On Being Alone

On Being Alone

I read or heard at church the other day that man is not
supposed to be alone, that it is not good for him to do so. God gave him woman and as it is written and yet I still am alone.

I cannot agree more with the statement. Although I live alone presently I do miss the companionship of someone else in my life. Oh it's easier this way or should I say more convenient to be alone. No one to answer to. I come and go with impunity, leave the dirty dishes in the sink without fear of retribution or comment and that is a benefit. I also have no one to talk to at times and ache for the companionship of another. I crave the physical touch of someone's hand holding mine, a shoulder to place my arm around, a warm body lying next to me in bed, a smile in the morning, or a curious look during the day. Oh how I just ache for that at times.

I also am well aware of my shortcomings when it comes to handling the responsibilities of a relationship. I am, at times, too self absorbed, too busy or just too plain ornery for someone else to handle. I am capable of benign neglect at times as I march to my own drummer through life.

I have had lovers and loves but they all have gone away now, at least for the present. I do miss them all though, especially the loves.
They have been few and far between and I miss them the most.
They tell me that it won't always be this way but I am not so sure of that. How often does a man find a love? Rarely at best and only twice in my life. For some it's never and for the real lucky ones just once.


Twice in my life I have laid it all on the line, put my heart out with no reserve only to have it crumpled like a fender into a telephone pole at forty miles an hour.
Survivable it is, yes, repairable but never quite the same afterwards. Something is different at a much deeper level, although it is hard to see it has changed my molecular structure, my fiber. I am less willing to drive at any speed lest I run into another pole and sustain more damage. So I sit and ponder things like this, what might have been had I just done one thing differently, maybe if I had paid a little more attention to her.
Oh sure I do have friends that love me deeply and care for me as I do them. Wonderful kids who love me dearly, but it's not the same. It is at times hard being alone but then sometimes it's easy when I look back at the broken hopes and dreams of my life. The sense of loss, the incompleteness in my life, the disconnect and the feeling that I have failed again are the hardest for me. I take my share of the blame only and know that it isn't always my fault when things go awry.

I look at others with envy at times when I see the tenderness that transpires between two people who truly love each other and ask why not me? Only to settle for the answer that I have told myself time and again, you have had your chances. It kills my hopes and dreams at times to think this way. I know it is not good for me to feel this way, so I try not to but fail miserably.

Will it change or will it always be as it is now for the rest of my days? I do not know. Sometimes I think people look at me and surmise that I am doing good and it is easy for me to allow them to do so. I try not to show the emptiness and aches in my life to most folks, they wouldn't care to understand nor do they need to. It's just the musings of a middle aged guy who probably isn't much different from anyone else, maybe just a little more aware, a little weaker or a little more feeble than most.