The Unremarkable Life of Hector Perry 1

Hector is a fictionalised amalgamation of most of the men and many of the women that the author has met, not to mention the author herself. Hector is aware of his existence as a fictional character; he knows only too well that he will never be a 'real boy', as Pinocchio would put it. But Hector is better off than Pinocchio, of that there is no doubt - for Pinocchio must contend with being not only a fictional character, but one that was originally created (within the confines of his fictitious world) as a wooden puppet. Hector is, at least, a human being of flesh and blood - albeit a fictional one.

Hector is named after a pony. The author was something of an equestrian expert in her youth, and one of her all-time favourite ponies was a bay cob-cross by the name of Hector. He was a handsome animal, but stubborn and not a little sluggish - much like his namesake, our protagonist. Do not let the fact that Hector was named after a pony colour your opinion of the man; after all, a name is merely a name - the signifier by which we identify people, objects, events and so on. The origin of one's name means little; one must be judged on one's own merits, not merely one's name.

And so we begin the story - or stories, as it may turn out to be, for the author has been known in the past to digress quite magnificently and do what is commonly, if unfairly, referred to as 'waffling' - of Hector, an average man in many ways, and yet extraordinary, as so many (if not all) seemingly average people turn out to be.

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Hector had what many would call an obsessive personality, in the sense that there was no shortage of things with which he could become obsessed. His latest obsession, at the time where we pick up his story (which, for those of you who are obsessed with dates, as Hector sometimes was, is March 2001), was phonetics. He spent many hours with pen and pad, eagerly (albeit, it would appear, somewhat pointlessly) noting phonetic spellings of various words and phrases. He was usually very good at it, too. He was diligent in his approach, and always trialled multiple variations before settling on a particular spelling. He hadn't yet decided quite what he was going to do with all the phonetic spellings he collected. Perhaps he would compile some kind of dictionary of phonetics. Perhaps this was how he would 'make his millions', as they say.

But on this particular blustery Wednesday morning in March 2001, Hector was stuck. He rarely got stuck and was feeling quite riled. The phrase on which he was stuck was 'nuls points', the French for 'no points'. He had been thinking about this phrase because of its use in the Eurovision Song Contest - another of his obsessions. Non-English words and phrases were much more difficult to write phonetically, Hector found. 'Nuls' was easy - it simply became 'nil' - but 'points' had him flummoxed. He tried 'pwun', 'pwa', 'pwu', 'pwua' and many more. Not a single one was satisfactory. But Hector was no quitter. He vowed to continue trying until he got it right, and that's where the trouble began. Isn't that always the way? A man makes an unrealistic vow, and that's where the trouble begins.