Of Planes and Peanut Butter

Max was 10 and loved planes and peanut butter. He dreamed that he could fly. When Max grew up he wanted to be a pilot. He would fly a F-15 fighter jet which had F100 engines, a heads up display, advanced radar, inertial guidance system. It was the best, because it was the fastest. It could pull "8G's" while doing a loop-the-loop. That was when the plane went so fast it could go upside down and back again. One day he would be a pilot, one day he would fly. One day he would be free.

Max had Downs-syndrome. Soon after he was born, tests had been done, he had part of an extra 21st chromosome. He didn't know what that meant, all he knew was that he was different, that sometimes he didn't understand, and it frustrated him. He felt trapped.

Now Max was a curious fellow. He was friendly, cheeky, and always smelled of peanut butter. He "loooooooved" peanut butter. Everything he ate had to have peanut butter, from his sandwich to his morning cereal. Even for dessert there would always be a serving of peanut butter. If he didn't get his peanut butter, he wouldn't do anything until he got it. Max wasn't spoilt. No. He was just stubborn. Just like his sister.

Now his sister, she was an all business, no fuss woman. She always seemed on a mission. But Sussan was a changed woman. At 18, her younger brother Max was born. He was the savior child to a marriage that had long ago fallen apart. That was until the diagnosis. Her father left, never to be seen again, and Sussan, being very much a self involved individual, moved out. The crying was too much for her.

She had never had much to do with Max. For a long time, he was the center of her pain, a scapegoat for all that had happened. It took a long time for Sussan to love Max, but for Max, Sussan was his hero. She had his unquestionable love. She felt she didn't deserve it.

So that's why today they were going on a hot air balloon ride together. They were to meet up with Jim, once a well-to-do, all business, no fuss person like Sussan, but had strangely had a mid-life crisis at the age of 28, to now live on the wild side, his hobby, hot air ballooning. Sussan called in a favour, and so here they were, in the car, Max with his head out the window, asking his sister questions about every farm animal they passed. She felt at peace answering his questions, being able to finally fill her role of the big sister she should have been.

They reached the balloon just before midday with Jim doing the final checks. Max enthusiastically pointed when he saw the huge mass of the balloon, mouth wide open in awe, clutching to his toy plane, and smiling in excitement. Jim casually strolled over to great them.

"G'day Sussan, how you been?" Jim said "This must the the famous Max, I'm guessing."

"Are we going up in that!?" Max said pointing in admiration.

"Sure are Max. Today, you, me and your sister are going to fly into the sky." Jim said smiling at Max, "You ever been in a hot air balloon before?"

"Noooo..." the word came slowly out of Max's mouth as he stared almost speechless as he wandered slowly towards the balloon.

"Max, don't go too far." Sussan  called after him.

"Don't worry, he'll be fine. If he does manage to take off, I might have to take him as my apprentice or something," Jim said jokingly "So how you been? How long has it been?"

"A long time."

"So I heard. It must have been tough, and now Max too." Jim pulled Sussan towards him and hugged her warmly.

It had seemed like forever since Sussan had been this close with someone, apart from Max, and her old feelings for Jim brushed the surface. It had been two years ago that her life was turned upside down. Living comfortably, Sussan was enjoying herself, her job, her social life and all the opportunities life was offering her. It was then she had gotten the call. Sussan had never had a relationship with her mother during her adult life, she was part of Sussan's past, but the past always has a way of catching up to you.

                             *          *          *

She swatted in the cupboards of her apartment, feeling for some instant coffee. She looked down at her watch. Shit! 7:20. She found the brown jar, made her coffee, black, two sugars, and sped into her bedroom. Hurriedly she grabbed her portfolio and put on her best shoes. Black, high heels, strapped around the ankle. She wanted to look her best if she was to get that promotion.

Sipping her coffee, she rushed out of her bedroom, accidentally knocking over a picture of her with two of her friends, all young, all cheerful. All the photos on her cabinet were of her friends. No family; friends were all she needed, with them she had survived. She picked up the photo and gently placed it back on the side table and rushed out the door. 7:25, right on time.

Jumping into her sporty little car, that one of her friends had dubbed "the buzz box", she fumbled for a cigarette as she sipped her coffee, half spilling it down her new blouse.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," she grumbled as she kicked open the car door, breaking one of her shoe heels. "Dammit!"

Taking off her shoes she briskly stomped back up the steps to her apartment door. Fumbling for her keys, she could hear the telephone ringing.

"Coming, coming!" she yelled as if someone could hear her. She barged open the door and reached for the phone. "What!?"

"Sussan, it's your mother. I'm dying."

It wasn't the most subtle way of delivering the news, but then, that had always been her mother's way. Blunt and straight to the point. They had never gotten along, Sussan and her mother. Her father always said that they were the same, strong headed and stubborn. Well he was gone now, and she hadn't seen him since the day he walked out.

Sussans mother had been diagnosed with cancer.

                             *          *          *

Sussan slowly walked down the hospital ward, broken shoe still in hand, towards her mother's room. Entering the room she was greeted by a confused eight year old. Max wrapped his little arms around Sussan's legs.

"Sussie. Sussie, Sussie," Max repeated, looking up at her with his large brown lovable eyes, "Mumma's sick Sussie, she's sick."

He started crying and looked up to her, eyes pleading, as if she could make it all go away. Sussan's stomach dropped. Sussan didn't have much to do with her mother. She sent the annual Christmas and birthday card with some throw-away gift, but had rarely seen her face-to-face over the years. A year ago she looked healthy and still had her sharp wit about her. Now she was gaunt and frail, her strength sucked dry.

Now here was Max, her brother she had only seen a handful of times, but he always seemed to remember her, always excited when "Sussie" came around. His innocent round face looked up at her. Where others would see a remarkable gem of a child, Sussan only saw the pain of her past.

Ironic that, when her mother died, Sussan would gain custody of Max. Even after death, her mother still tried to intrude on Sussan's life. But two years since then, Sussan prevailed, she always managed to, and finally she and Max managed a life together. But it was never to be.

Max got sick. He too, was diagnosed with cancer.

                             *          *          *

And so here they were, about to ride in a hot air balloon.

"Well let's get going, shall we?" Jim said with a smile. Sussan and Max managed to get into the basket with a little help from Jim. As soon as he jumped in, Jim undid the tie-downs and they slowly started to float up into the sky. The roar of the burners edged the balloon higher and higher.

Max squealed with pure joy, and jumped up and down with excitement. Fearlessly looking over the edge of the basket Max pointed at the ground as it floated away as he clutched his toy plane in his other hand.

"We're flying Sussie! We're flying!" Max exclaimed, as he looked back at Sussan who was nervously grabbing the sides. Sussan managed to let out a smile, and Max laughed. Jim set to life the burners to Max's delight and higher they floated.

Max looked out towards the horizon, the sun above them hid behind pockets of clouds. But even here he felt stuck in the basket, even up here he still felt weighted. Max knew he was sick, but he didn't understand. He was confused, he didn't know what was wrong. Why couldn't he get better? Why was he always to feel trapped? He hated feeling trapped. His Mumma 'went away', where was Max to go? With her? He hoped so. He missed his Mumma, and for weeks after she left all he felt was sadness. He didn't like feeling sad, and he would cry and cry. He felt alone, that no-one else would love him. But he had Sussie. She made him happy. She was like Mumma, but she was his sister too! He had both now!

He smiled and looked back at his sister as she clutched onto one of the support ropes. He missed his mum, and Sussie did too. She didn't tell him, but he caught her crying one night. He didn't like to see Sussie sad, so he'd walked up and gave her a big hug. Big hugs always made things better. Mumma would give him a hug, and the whole world would brighten. Sussie needed a hug, and Max was all too happy to help.

And now he was in the biggest balloon he had ever seen!. Sussie was the best sister ever! He knew that she was sad that Max was sick, but he didn't mind, he would see Mumma again. He was just worried. Max had to 'go' soon but Sussie needed Max. What if she got sick? What if she was sad? Who would give her a hug? He looked over at his sister talking with Jim. Jim made her happy. He made her smile. Sussie would be fine now.

It was like old times. Jim and Sussan laughed at Sussan's nervousness. Jim reassured her that she would be fine, and made a small joke at her expense. She hit him playfully and attempted to look hurt at his comment, but the faintest slip of a smile betrayed her. They burst out laughing and Sussan began to feel comfortable floating calmly through the sky. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the soft breeze brushing against her face.

"Its great, isn't it?" Jim said staring out at the landscape. "You can really feel at peace up here."

He turned towards her, and glanced at Max, now playing with his toy plane.

"Hes a good kid isn't he?" Jim said, looking back at Sussan. "He really cares for you."

"Yeah I know, he's something else." Sussan said, remembering. "He's changed my life."

"I can tell," Jim said. "He's done good for you."

"I don't deserve him."

Once when Sussan was sick and Max was to go to school, Max had refused to leave with one of Sussans' friends even though he knew them. He'd wanted to make sure she was ok, wanted to look after her. That night when Max came home and Sussans' friend had left, Max quietly walked in with a toy guitar and sung Sussan a lullaby that their mum had sung to him. It was the most hideous pairing of voice and instrument imaginable, but to Sussan it was the most beautiful song she had ever heard. Her brother sang to her the song that calmed her, the song that reminded her of the freedom from when she was a child. That was the night that she understood, her brother was never a burden, his disability not a punishment, but a gift. That night, for the first time, she loved her brother as much as he loved her.

A fire burned deep within her as the memories bubbled to the surface. A determination was set in her heart. This gift to her, this shining light, it would not die, she would not let it. She resolved that she would not give up, she would fight, because he would do the same for her, with no second thought. They were brother and sister.

Jim stared into Sussan's eyes as the look of determination and strength blazed within them, but he knew that this was not the Sussan he once knew and left. This was a new Sussan, reborn, and he looked into her eyes admiring. Sussan, caught within the swirl of emotions that had engulfed her realised how close her and Jim were standing, and her face flushed red as the chemistry bubbled between them. She shifted her feet, unused to the situation she had long forgotten the experience of. But still they held eye contact, moving closer to one another. She could smell his hair, the hint of scented shampoo floating along the breeze. She gave into the smell, and the sensation, they moved closer. She looked up at him, his eyes smiled back.

Max looked over the edge down at the ground far below. He imagined flying his own F-15 fighter jet faster and faster through the air. His arm mimicked his thoughts, as he flew the toy plane over the edge of the basket. Carried away, his arm moved faster and faster, as his mouth made the noise of the jet engine. Again and again it flew. Through the valleys and over the hills he imagined. Nothing could catch him. The plane slipped free.

She could feel the electricity growing between them. Their hearts beat in unison faster and faster, the anticipation was killing her. They both knew their reignited feelings for each other, and yet they held back, the tension unbearable. She could hear the slow seductive sound of his breath, getting heavier and heavier. She tried to control herself. There was so much past, so many things to forgive and forget.

Max watched the plane in wonder as it floated downwards to the ground. It flew, not in his imagination, but for real. Max smiled as he watch his plane disappear. He always wanted to fly.

It was too much. The past. She was always living as a result of her past. She needed to accept it, to love it.  To start something new with it. Jim was so close. She could feel the warmth of his lips. She knew what she must do. She forgave her mother. She forgave her father. She forgave herself. She loved her brother. She loved this man. She surrendered herself. She kissed him.

Max jumped.

                             *          *          *

Max closed his eyes, he could feel the air fluttering through his hair. He imagined he could smell the salty air of the ocean, the sound of waves crashing below. As he fell, arms spread out, he felt at peace. He smiled. His dream had come true. He was flying. He was free.



THE END