The Maple Leaf

"Next time we'll pick a place with no pool tables!" Joe was hollering over the scratchy country music and drunken laughs. Matt and Jill turned simultaneously to smile back through the smoke. Joe was still holding his Bud Light high in air as if it too wanted to say goodbye to his coworker and what's-her-face.

"Here, you drive." They paused in front of the door to zip up they're jackets and build up the courage to run through the December down pour. "You should've just parked in a handicap spot." Jill grabbed the keys and they looked at each other to confirm their readiness. The instant they bolted through the door Jill was slapped in the face with a cold, wet maple leaf that covered her right eye. Matt was already half way to the car by the time she pealed it off and started to run again. During those alcohol fueled leaps in the cold rain there was a moment when both the physical and mental were on two separate time lines. It was as if they were sitting snug in their own spaceships while they darted through a black meteor shower. If that were the case, Jill would have been daydreaming about that maple leaf and how that will more than likely be the one and only time in her life that will happen. And for a second that made her sad. Matt, in his space ship would be hands on the sticks, leaning forward in his seat, eyes agape, strategically pressing forward to his mother ship. At least that's what Jill thought. Matt however, during that stretch of time was pleasantly amazed at his speed and agility to combine quick stutter-steps and long bounds over deep puddles. He thought to himself that he hadn't lost a step since varsity basketball. In fact, he was probably even faster now at 31.

Jill had spent most of the night listening to Joe's wife Carol talk about why K-Mart is the only place she'll shop for Christmas presents; or about last year's party when Joe passed out in the men's room sitting on the john; or about her sister Ellen's problem pregnancy; or some other pitiful story that helped dig her trailer park white trash hole a little deeper for the rain to wash into. There were other women there too, who smoked cigarettes, drank Bud Light with a lime and salt, and for some reason still used hairspray on a hair style they've probably had since their first Def Leopard tape. The men of Earl's Truck Repair Christmas party spent the majority of their time by the pool tables. Laughing loud, trading rounds of beer or Jack Daniels, and for those who don't smoke Marlboros, there's always chew to spit into empty bottles. But Jill was cordial, as she always is. Laughing at the disgusting jokes, smiling genuinely, accepting the beers generously placed in front of her through out the night. Her interest also remained as it always is; to be unproblematic, unobtrusive, and undetectable. Matt was in his third year of employment at Earls and tonight was the first time Jill came out for any of his work related functions. She somehow always had to work at the hospital on the night these things popped up. But this year she promised for the third time, and after all, he did go with her to the museum.

Jill and Matt met in college at a party Jill's roommate was having in their apartment. She was attracted to him immediately. He had a confidence in the way he moved and spoke to people that she wished she had. He came from an upper middle class family in Milwaukee that owned a physical therapy clinic. She was from Burlington and her father repaired lawnmowers before he died of liver cancer when she was fifteen. He was tall, funny and athletically built. She was poised, sincere and voluptuous. After that night, they were inseparable for two years; until Bobbi.

"I probably could've parked in a handicap spot running the way you do!" Matt's voice piercing through his childish smile, a cracked window, and thousands of half frozen rain drops. He already had the car running and the radio blaring by the time Jill dove into the passenger seat. The door was like a firing pin slamming into a shell exploding the both of them into a convulsive laughter. Jill closed her eyes and shook her head, whipping sticky drops of water onto the dashboard and windshield. Their spaceships collided and for the first moment in months they felt absolutely alive. Six blocks away after the laughs subside and the radio is lower, the rain is softer and Jill turns her head toward the drenched two bedroom houses and sagging bushes. Just as she was about to slip into another dream Matt chimes in, "So what'd you and the girls talk about all night?" Without turning her head Jill quickly hums back, "Mostly politics and which one of you has the biggest package. Supposedly Kurt does." Matt let out a single exhale of a chuckle just to let her know he heard her. He likes it when she jokes with him like that. When someone jokes it lets you know that they are ok and not taking things too serious. They don't really care what each other does, as long as they're ok and not taking things too serious. The rest works itself out. He was happy she came out with him tonight. It was an act that to him showed that there were still options for them. It proved that Jill too was ready to break the monotony of their early thirties.

Roughly two years after that first apartment party, and five months after they moved in together, Matt awoke to the early morning echo of Jill throwing up in the bathroom. Two hours and forty five minutes later they learned she was in fact pregnant. However biologically plausible this was, it still came to the two of them as a surprise. They did not speak, move or blink for what seemed to be an hour. The little red arrow on the strip in Jill's hand looked to her like a railroad crossing, or intersection sign. Nothing like the smooth, simple one way street blue line she was hoping for. At this point in their life, additional commitment to anything other than their career was not welcomed. They had been together for two years and believe or not, creating offspring had never been a topic seriously discussed. It was simply just assumed by the both of them that they were a long way away from that step in the stairwell; at the time they weren't even on that floor. Jill had graduated with a nursing degree and now worked long hours at the hospital, even weekends. Matt was still a part time student. Monday, Wednesday and Friday he attended classes, while Tuesday and Thursday he drove to Milwaukee to work along side his brother at the clinic. It didn't seem real. Matt had a flash of hope that he was dreaming. He thought of the dream he had a couple weeks ago when he got stabbed in the stomach and somehow ended up in the fetal position on the floor of a prison cell. He remembered crying in his sleep, and nearly drowning in a wave of gratefulness, relief and humility when he found himself safe in bed. In that moment of fluttering panic he screamed inside of himself to wake up. There was dry snapping sound when he opened his mouth to speak, but nothing else came out.

The pregnancy forced the two of them to ask questions of themselves and of each other that they knew they wouldn't have answers for. Every belief that was inherited or blindly accepted was now being challenged. Idealism fell at the feet of reality. They were adults who had comfort in their convictions and values, and now they were frightened children, realizing that all this time they have been borrowing their views on life's most critical decisions from people that probably borrowed them as well. For the first three weeks Jill repeatedly gave up the struggle of not thinking about her dad. No matter how interesting a book was, or how boring the television was, she could not get his face out her mind. When she blinked she would see his wide face and wavy hair, but he would never say anything to his daughter; he just looked at her with concern and disappointment. George Kravitz spent his tough life as a devout Christian, and this was not the way would have intended to welcome his first grandchild. The memory stung when she thought of the make-believe weddings she used have in the backyard. A twenty five year old breeze still warm and fragranced with lilacs would brush past her and make the little hairs on her forearm stick up. She remembered how if her dad happened to see her from the kitchen window she would wave him outside to walk her under the grape vines while humming the bridal song. The more she let herself think about him the more secure she became. By the fourth week of her prelude to motherhood she had accepted that her father's love was unconditional, and he would want to spoil his daughter and grandchild every moment he could.

"Want some coffee?" Matt said as he shuffled quickly down the hall. They were home from the Christmas party now. Jill glanced at the clock in the kitchen as she pulled a beige padded coat hanger from the closet: 1:48 a.m. "Ummm..." She was buying time while slipping her coat on the hanger and weighing the benefits of either staying up with Matt or collapsing her exhausted body in her bed. "Only if you make it like I do" She yelled back. Jill took off her shoes by hand and placed them neatly beside the closet door and slid into the plush velour house slippers that have been waiting for her. As she began to walk toward the living room she took in a deep breath and enjoyed letting in out slowly in the comfort of her own home. Curled up on the soft side of the couch, sitting on her feet with a blanket over her legs, a mystery novel and a strong cup of coffee is precisely her most favorite spot on the planet. But tonight she would not read. She was going to take advantage of the simple pleasure that comes from not knowing and not caring what direction a late night talk with her partner of eleven years will lead them. The coffee pot Matt bought her for Valentines Day dripped and hissed a beautiful blend of sounds and smells that carelessly curled around the room. Jill felt it glide along the table tops and ceiling, winding its way around the photographs and clock on the counter. The gentle current circled around the sofa and wrapped itself around Jill's senses. As she sank into her comfort she thought of her home and all the belongings that marked moments in their life simply for the purpose of not forgetting them. And it is in remembering these moments, and knowing now how they shaped her future that makes her appreciate all of them.

When Jill was six months pregnant she and Matt went to get more test results at the same hospital she worked at. They were more nervous than they anticipated due to the questionable results of last months visit. The doctor informed them the growth rate of the baby was progressing at about 70% of what it should be. Although this is not detrimental, it may create complications if the fetus does not mature fully before birth. When asked what causes this the doctor told her that it can be the result of a number of things and that they need to take more tests immediately. To Jill and Matt this translated into, "There is something seriously wrong with your baby and we don't know why". So they waited some more. Tension had turned the both of them into a dry stretched rubber band. Some times when you are pulled that far apart and all of your strength is on the verge of giving in, it is wished that the band just snap. But instead of breaking the tension, fate decided to oil her fingers, run them along the rubber band and tug a little more. Not only was his school work slipping, and his nights getting sleepless, he also had the problem with his Dad. Matt would never let Jill know the extent of his doubts and worries, only tell her that things work themselves out, as long as they work together.

Matt's parents, though happily married, always seemed to him to be more like business associates than they did partners in love. As Matt got older he came to believe that relationships, even marriage, must not need to follow the standard as long as the mutual goal is met. It was this line of thinking that helped perpetuate Matt's most recited phrase, "Whatever works, works". Between the two of them, Matt had a closer relationship with his mother. Matt's brother was only three years older than him but it always felt like fifteen. Jason was by far the over achiever of the two, and had a niche for seamlessly accomplishing all of their father's wishes. That was the chip on Matt's shoulder. And no matter how heavily he starched his Polo dress shirts he could never cover it up.

Less than a month after everyone learning of Jill's pregnancy Matt was asked by his father to join him and his brother for a drink after work. By the time he walked in the door of McHenry's Pub, Jason and his father were already sitting in the corner with three pints of Guinness standing proud on the weathered bar table. "What's going on?" Matt said with the standard smile. Matt and Jason's father took a short breath, cupped his hands around his beer, stared at the black and beige dance in his cup and began. "I asked the both of you here to tell you some news...your mother and I have decided to get a divorce." A large thud knocked in Matt's chest and he was suddenly aware of the significance of this exact moment. There was a short pause to invite any audible reaction. When there was none his father continued. "We still very much love each other but we just feel that over the past few years we have grown apart and want different things out of life. We did a wonderful job with you two; you are both adults now and well on the right path. We have no regrets, only high hopes for the future. We will both still live here in town but your mother will no longer be involved in the clinic. For a while it will be just us three until we find someone else." Matt was still staring at his beer, replaying every word his dad had just said to be certain he doesn't have to ask about it later. Jason's squinted eyes were fixed on his father until he finally spoke up. "Why isn't Mom here?" Quickly and dryly - "She felt that this was something that might make more sense to you man to man." Matt was now stuck on the repeating phrase "...until we find someone else." Find someone to replace Mom? What the fuck was going on? He asked his father, "Who's keeping the house?" "I am. Your mother has a nice apartment in mind where she can focus on her art." That made sense. Matt took a long gulp of the Guinness and when Jason saw it out of the corner of his eye he instinctively followed suit. Matt wasn't as upset as he thought he would be. After all, what ever works - works. His only concern was if this was truly what his mother wanted and if she indeed was looking forward to the future. He wanted to talk to her but decided he would wait until late that night, around the hour when the constraints of the day are rested and people tend to open up more. The three men sat there at the high table in the Irish bar and by the third round they were talking about the playoffs. When they were leaving the bar and on the verge of dispersing onto their separate paths Matt's father patted him on the shoulder, "Wait a second and I wanted to talk to you separate." Jason threw his hand in the air as he trotted through the wind. "See you tomorrow!" For a moment Matt was anxious in anticipating that his father might have recognized that his wife's youngest son was always partial to her, and now he wanted to give some rare words of assurance or comfort that everything was going to be alright . Matt's father buttoned the top of his coat up and stuffed his hands into his pockets and stood closely in front of him. "How are things with you and your girlfriend?" At that moment it suddenly hit Matt that he has removed his personal life from his father so much over the past few years that instead of saying Jill and possibly getting her name wrong, he always referred to her as simply his girlfriend. "Good." "Have you decided what you are going to do with the baby yet?" Another what-the-fuck blurted in Matt's brain. "What do you mean?" "I mean you are 22 years old, with a prosperous future at your fingertips. It's not too late to consider chalking this up as a mistake and moving on." Matt's face reflected his puzzled reaction. "I think that is a decision for her to make Dad. "Well, if you have any say in it, I would think about it. You can make babies anytime, but you can't jump into this business just whenever it's convenient. Make moves with your mind, not your heart." He patted him the shoulder once again and started to turn, "Think about it, I'll see you Thursday." His father had been blocking the wind and when he turned his back from Matt, a wave of icy air charged in at him driving a rogue maple leaf directly into his chest where it fluttered for a moment, and then disappeared into the dusty current.

"One more big push!" Jill was sweating, crying and squeezing Matt's hand with every ounce of energy she had left. "Come one, just one more push!" Jill arched her back and grunted through her teeth as she made her final effort to bring Roberta into this world. The doctor eased their baby into his hands and Matt almost screamed in excitement "You did it baby! You did it! She's here!" Matt kissed her and smeared the sweat on her forehead while she continued to simultaneously laugh and cry. The nurses and doctors were moving almost frantically. There were suddenly more doctors in the room. "Why isn't she crying?" Jill wasn't laughing or crying anymore. In the bustle Matt didn't realize that he hadn't heard her cry either. No answer. "Why don't I hear her crying?!" Jill yelled desperately louder. They asked Matt to leave the room but he refused. He wouldn't leave Jill there by herself. She couldn't see what was going on, Matt just leaned in close to her, holding her head and face and tried to keep whispering in her ear, "it'll be ok, it'll be ok." But Jill knew; she could feel it. She wept with a sickening pain that Matt would give his own life to take way from her. But he couldn't.

A few months after all of the material reminders of Bobbi were removed from the apartment and their routine was back to normal, Matt and Jill took a weekend vacation. It was time to look at things from the outside for a moment and re-evaluate their plans, individually and as partners. It was on the last day that Matt decided his future no longer included him being a physical therapist. He didn't know if it was the long hours or the tainted relationship with his father and he didn't care. Instead he was simply going to live to be happy. At hearing this Jill was supportive. She too had a need to fulfill an emptiness, and for her it was in the comfort of being happy with Matt. They were as close as they would ever be. The winds and storms of the world are going to blow against you whether you plan for it or not. The best you can do is prepare to be sheltered and warm. That weekend Jill learned that she needed Matt to be sheltered, and he needed her to be warm.

Jill opened her eyes to the sound of Matt setting her cup of coffee down on the coaster beside the couch. "You falling asleep on me?" Matt said smiling as he sat down beside her. "Almost." She stretched and cuddled up beside him laying her head on his lap. They didn't have to speak. Matt played with her hair and scratched her head as he sipped his coffee. He leaned his head back against the couch and took a deep breath. Jill didn't close her eyes. She stared off, letting her mind wander as grew more and more sleepy. She thought about the night and how she felt good that she went to the party. Matt seemed happy. She thought about the things she wants to do around the house tomorrow and decided she can sleep in if she feels like it in the morning. Within a few minutes she felt Matt's hand stop scratching her head. He must have fallen asleep. She slowly raises her head and ruffles her hair while grabbing her still warm cup of coffee. She sips it slowly, savoring the fresh ground hint of vanilla. Matt's hand was still wrapped around his mug resting on the sofa. Jill softy pulls it out of his fingers and places it on the end table. He is peaceful. She looks at him and thinks again about the night. She tried not to, but she was reminded of the way Matt laughed and joked with the other guys. She remembered that he didn't seem like himself. The way he laughed didn't even sound the same, and his sense of humor was different than anything she has seen with him. How can she be with someone for eleven years and not know their sense of humor? Her face scrunched as she tried to go back to her sleepy comfort but she couldn't. The idea of Matt being this different person at work was like an itch at the bottom of her foot. She doesn't even want to scratch it, just move it around until it goes away. But it wouldn't go way, the itch grew. "Is it possible that he is a different person other places too? How would she know which one is genuine?" Then it hits her. "Am I different around him too?" The realization was like dam breaking and giving way to surge of enlightenment. Maybe it's true. Maybe that's the way it supposed to be or even has to be. She finally scratched the itch and told herself that it's not worth pondering. She knows Matt and loves him. She took one more sip of the coffee and set it on the table next to his. The blanket was folded up on the edge of the soft side of the couch. Jill wrapped it around her shoulders and laid her head down on Matt's lap.