dreams

Sometimes I feel very alone when I am set apart from a group. I sit on the sidelines and watch everyone interacting with each other and I wish that I had the same social skills, the natural pack instinct that seems to bring everyone else together with very little effort. I simply do not understand how it is that others can talk with so little anxiety, how they can put themselves out there, how they can fit in, become part of a group, make friends.

Once in awhile, I find myself envying them for this God-given gift, but at the same time I am glad I lack it. In the absence of sociability, I have become better friends with those I do open up to, I have learned more about myself, and I have become closer to God and nature, because I am not constantly occupied by conversations going on involving me. I only wish I could have both. I wish I could know about the inner workings of my soul, and then turn around and let it shine through when I interact with others. Some people can do this, you can see it in their eyes, the way they move, hear it in their voice.

For me, there's a blockage. Something that stops my light from shining, except on special occasions when only one or two people are around, and then only momentarily. I can only hope that one day my walls will be gradually torn down to reveal the person I am inside.

One day my defenses will be diminished when I cry them away, and all that will be left is a tear-streaked, but smiling, face of a girl who I finally ready to take the hand of the angels attempting to lift her up. My lips will part and no matter what comes out, the words will be beautiful because they will be pure, uninhibited by fear, and they will be what everyone has been waiting to hear come out of my mouth. It will be rain falling from the sky, it will be pure and refreshing. It will be rays of sunshine, lemonade on a hot summer's day, stars, ever reached toward. I will be a walking magic trick, special, not because of who I am, but because of who I used to be.

Those that helped me become an open book, watched my journey, sheltered me in warmth, trust, and love, will look back and know that all the tears of frustration, all the contradictions and seeming recessions, it was all worth it. The people who haven't seen the person that came before will be entranced by my glow, will wonder why my eyes are twinkling, and will question the happiness that other people have when I speak loud enough for everyone to hear, when I introduce myself to someone, when I articulate my thoughts and feelings with the truth and energy of a child. They will never have known me any other way.

I will be friendly, fearless, energetic, and intriguing. My eyes will speak of the terror I used to feel, peace found, and battles won. I will be the enigma of my own imagination, and everyone will see that becoming yourself is the most important thing you could ever fight for. It will be worth it. It is always worth it.