The End 6/26/10

6/26/10- Today is my death day.  I have not randomly chosen this day, but I wouldn't say it has been planned.  My rations are gone: the soup, the trail mix bars, the "last 1,000,000 years Twinkies" ran out a week ago.  Due to the danger and my illness I cannot go outside.  I'm not even sure my emaciated body could support such a trip. The agony of starvation is unbearable.  Each time I look into my full length mirror I get the sickening urge to vomit.  The eyes that stare back at me are not my own. A gaze that was once described as "energetic, enigmatic, intelligent, deep and blazing with energy," now only resembled defeat.  A glossy haze produces a milky, shallow foreground.  I look defeated, my body tells me that each day, and the mirror reminds me too -- pathetic.
         
11,037,600 = the approximate number of minutes that you can consider "my life."  I have spent nearly half of that asleep, and the other half doing a variety of basic and complex tasks and interactions.  In those minutes I have loved, I have hated, I have been loved and I have been hated.  I have laughed with good friends and family.  Throughout most of those minutes I have been with people.  Here at the end I remain alone.  Death is lonely, you can't die with someone.  True someone can die next to you, but they can't be with you when the nothingness hits.  Still the presence of a loved one would provide comfort. 

I pulled out my copy of the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King last night.  You know that part when Frodo, relieved of his burden, is being held by Sam on Mount Doom?  Frodo looks up into Sam's eyes, "I am glad you are here with me.  Here at the end of all things, Sam." I have been denied my Sam... I hadn't cried for months, relief filled my wretched cold heart.  I felt nothing after those first days of death, all the carnage, the loss of communication.  I became cold and unfamiliar, a brute seeking only survival.  I became like them, motivated only by the primal urge to feed. I cursed myself each day.  I cursed my family for not leaving! I cursed my friends for not listening! All I could do was weep, for them and for me.
I have not seen a living soul in nearly two months, or heard the dulcet tones of another's voice.  All I hear is the step and drag, the slow painful grudge of those without life. Those that are damned fill the streets, walking aimlessly, polluting the earth with their rooting flesh.  They resemble humans but give no comfort, only the feeling of great regret.  I am the only one left. 

Have you ever read the short story, "Bullet in the Brain?" The story is rather good.  I wonder if there is some truth to it.  Will my life flash before me; will all my memories come streaming back to me as though I were at the movies?  Will I laugh at my own hand holding the pistol? 

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen