The DK Diaries

         They say: write what you know. Yeah, well that's all fine and dandy but not the whole truth. What they should say is more along the lines of ‘write what you know as long as the world give a shit'. This statement should exclude me from writing. I don't know enough about what the world gives a shit about. I don't know enough about politics or religion or economics; what I do know about them could be put into a peanut shell and there would still be room enough for the peanut. Okay, that's not exactly true. I know plenty about politics, more about religion and a good deal about our sorry excuse for an economy (more than people in those positions it seems) but I honestly don't care enough to write about something that over used.
         I know a little about a lot if I may be so vague. But there is one thing I do know, probably more than anyone would care to know about the subject. In fact, when I start talking about it people give me strange looks and I have to explain exactly what it is.
         It's not a hard concept, I don't see why people can't look at it's counter part and say "Oh, I get it". Well, obviously I give humanity too much credit in the field of putting two and two together. It makes four people, FOUR! But I digress.
         The subject I know like the back of my hand I know because I am acquainted with one (if you can call it that). That is, I mean, Drag Kings. Now what is a Drag King you may ask. A Drag King is the opposite of a Drag Queen. Instead of a guy dressing as a girl it's (you guessed it) a girl dressed as a guy. See -- not a hart concept at all.
         Now I don't know a lot of Kings really well but there is one I know every detail of. She's about 5'4 (add an extra inch when she wears boots) and sports a black faux-hawk. She goes to Columbia College - just finished her first year and will start her Sophomore year in a few months. I know the first girl she kissed, the first time she smoked a cigarette, the last grade she got on her history test and even what kind of shampoo she uses. The answers, in order are as follows: Danielle, age twelve, a 100 percent and strawberry smoothie. No, I'm not a stalker. It's impossible to stalk yourself -- well I don't know how if it is possible.
         Yeah, so I'm a Drag King, sue me. I bind my boobs down, wear guys clothing, glue fake hair to my face and lip-sync to songs. Hey, it's a living. Well, not so much a living as a weekly Make-Eight-Dollars-In-Four-Hours. I just have a good time doing it. You have to or else it's not worth doing. It's definitely not something you do to pay the bills; it doesn't even pay for the clothes I buy so you can't tell how big (and girly) my ass is.
         Before I go into the story of how I became part of the Cabaret Kings and Company I want to tell you how I came to love my extended Rainbow Family.
         So all of my close friends in college except one are at least bisexual. But that comes with the territory since Columbia College is an all girls school. It's a haven for chicks that dig chicks. Although I realized I liked girls back when I was a freshman in high school, I'm still new to the family. I'm also what some call a switch hitter but I prefer the term 'greedy'. Why limit myself (or label myself for that matter) when both sides have so much to offer? It doesn't make any sense to me -- I love them both.
         
         The first girl I ever had a crush on doesn't even have a name in my memory. I didn't even realized I liked her that way until looking back on it years later. She was my councilor at summer camp, a cute blonde with big blue eyes (and pretty nice tits if I may be so bold). She was the first and only blonde I've ever been attracted to. Maybe it's because I've got natural red hair, the black is just dye, that I like people with dark hair more. Who know? I sure as hell don't.
         Now as for Danielle, one must understand my relationship with her. She's my best friends little sister, so she's like my little sister. Needless to say she's off limits, but still fun. I know that makes me sound a little immoral but we've never done anything with her... that I can remember. But she was the first girl I kissed but not the last. I can count on one hand the number of guys I've kissed, and it's four; but I don't' have a clue how many girls. They're all my friends. I've never been in an actual relationship for reasons which I'll explain now.
         I didn't tell many kids I went to school with that I'm bisexual. There were two reasons for this decision. One was that I wasn't very open in high school, I didn't open up to many people. Sure, I had really great friends but when you go to the same school with the same ninety-two kids for thirteen years, you learn who to tell personal things to so that everyone else doesn't know it within two days. Thank God I wasn't in with the popular kids while growing up, they were bad about keeping secrets. Sure, once we were in Senior year the cliques dissolved and everyone was friends with everyone else. The other reason was my school in general; It's run by a church. I didn't go to a religious affiliated school but I might as well call it that. Although the church can't really be called a church, it's more of a cult. Half the kids in my school went to this church and were brainwashed to think that everyone who was different was going to hell. Right there I have three strikes against me: I like both guys and girls, I was the ‘goth kid' of my class and I wasn't very religious. Whoops. I didn't even notice this until I got to high school, maybe I didn't want to realize it. One eye opener was when they pushed my friend Jake into a locker just because he was open about being gay.
         So, can you see why I didn't ever get to have a real relationship with a girl? I was almost scared to. I wasn't ashamed, just scared that I'd give people more of a reason to look down on me. There is also my parents. My mom isn't very religious but she's Irish Catholic. I remember going home for Thanksgiving break and my uncle said "So, I hear you went to the Fag Parade" while talking about the Gay Pride Parade here in Columbia. So strike telling my mom's side of the family. Then there's my dad who's really old school when it comes to dating. I wasn't allowed to go on my first ‘date' until I was sixteen (a rule which he eventually bent - by six months) and I was sort of chaperoned through it. My dad's thoughts on Brokeback Mountain was that John Wayne would be rolling in his grave, "Cowboys shouldn't suck face!" So I didn't have a real chance at ever dating a girl. Not that I was very attracted to any girl at my school. It couldn't be because I remember playing in the sandbox with almost all of them and watched them go through all those awkward stages of life - Oh, no.
         When I got to college I decided to be more open about my sexuality. It's easy to do when the school you attend is almost 700 miles away from home; not to mention that it's an all girls school, there's a lot of us here. I told my room mates right away. It wasn't like "Hi! My name is Sharon and I'm bi" but we, once the parents left, started talking about ourselves. It turns out that one of them is a complete GDL (God Damn Lesbian) and the other is just like me: we both like chicks and dicks.
         That night, and all through Orientation we would go out to the smokers tables and talk for hours with the other girls. Actually, it was during Orientation that I met the most amazingly sexy girl EVER! I felt like a giggling school girl whenever I saw her. And to top it all off, she was one of the nicest upperclassmen girls I'd met thus far. The greatest night of my life (that a lie but it's up there) was when we got her to sit out at the tables with us and talk. Somehow and for whatever reason she got up on one of the chairs and started to dance around. So I pulled out a dollar and was going to put it in her pocket - but she just grinned at me and put it in her boxers (yeah, she's definitely pretty dykie). I kept it and still have it to this day. I'll never spend it.
         Thanks to Orientation I met the girls that took me to a gay club called Fusion. It was pretty boring and too damned expensive to just sit there and smoke. But hey, it was a start. We had all heard about a place called PT's Cabaret and decided to check it out. Apparently on Wednesdays they had Drag Kings and it was free to get in. Right then and there I fell in love. One because I like the butch girls and two because it's free and I'm a poor college kid. And this starts my journey towards becoming a Cabaret King.