Tackling Trout The Non-Slip Way

I shall first describe tackling trout in terms of cooking them as they are relatively easy to prepare.First thing is to gut them, then roll them in Scottish  porridge oats, and fry them and then take a sharp knife and cut along the back and if the trout is cooked properly the spine and associated bones should peel away from the flesh and a relatively boneless trout should be available,beautifully cooked and ready to present on the plate with appropriate garnishings.

    It is certainly always wise with fish to check it over for bones and then consume with caution each mouthful  because small bones can prove hazardous to health if inadvertently lodged somewhere they should not be.Knife and fork is best for eating them and for someone who would be cautious the flesh when cooked should easily and carefully strip away as described above using a knife concentrating from the back of the fish downwards towards the tail and as always be the first thing to do because of the abundance and proximity of fixed or loose bone from the backbone out.

          Tackling fish of course like the way above in terms of cooking is not at all the same as tackling fish newly caught or perhaps not so securely from the riverside. Experienced fishermen or women often have their own methods of  course.English fishermen for their rough trade like carp and perch and Dace etc use a keep net.I as a highlander and a Scotsman have every intention of keeping my landing net and see no reason at all to call it a keep net. It would to me be a bit like calling one's rubbish a giveaway present.

      Anyway as to the non slip way  I have never done it this way myself (came close a couple of times but it was a twenty five pound salmon and most annoyed too at being first of all deceived by a few nicely coloured feathers in a delicate arrangement above a nasty barbed thing suddenly lodged in its jaw.I brought that unfortunate fish safely to the bank and then it was safely stored in my fridge freezer in appropriately sized portions frozen for eventual consumption later..

    First then to continue with this method you purchase a pair of good quality non slip gloves  and learn to swim.! Next you purchase a pair of good quality sunglasses and then transport yourself to the nearest good Scottish river and find a good deep pool.Kneel if you can among the rocks if any and stare fixedly in this pool with your sunglasses on and when you see a large salmon or trout swimming by and allowing for refraction, abruptly straighten launching yourself into the air and straightening out remembering to keep your hands together as if in praying mode ( prayer, sustained prayer, should of course have been done long before this!!!)  As your body hits the water extend your hands outward  to tackle  the salmon or trout around what may be called the midriff just as you would in a rough tough game of rugby. Urgently then act as if your hands were a bra or in other words lift and separate as the intention should be to get it clear of the water and on to dry land. Do not forget to breathe during this exercise.!The lungs should always be actively filled with breath,and the breath exhaled and then repeated in remarkably fast order.



      The trout will protest by gyrating fiercely and silently ( strong silent types they are known to be but do not be put off by their lack of social graces) for you must be firm but fierce and hold on at all costs.The trout will try to escape but without pity or sympathy you must not allow this to happen otherwise your friends will never believe you when you tell them what a size it was and how it eventually overpowered you even though you as a man dropped buckets of sweaty droplets  or if a woman sweated like a pig during and afterwards even though everyone knows women only usually pespire.!!!!. Having then we trust succeeded in launching this salmon or trout on to the bank you then should have a Priest to administer the last rites or if you prefer in the Glasgow,Scotland  Parlance (Tae put the heid on it). In the event of course of not being a Catholic you can then administer a large "bonce on the noggin" ( slang for genteel murders) or in terms of preparation for your breakfast to learn to become a cereal killer.Drowning is the process in that case. This murderous movement by axe,rock,or the swift onrush of milk (in the case of the cerial killer) will have the desired effect and in no way should be dispensed with and if necessary repeated.In the "Lord of the Rings" Gollum can be viewed in one scene displaying one method in a effectively wonderful description



    This action by at least two of of the above descriptions render it in a state to have no further interest in either maritime or indeed earthly affairs. and you can safely consume it at your leisure using either of the above methods without worrying about whether it is going to wriggle in your tummy or produce eggs fertile or infertile of which I am presuming you may have had enough already. .Guests do not like having to spit out bubble floats,weights or hooks and certainly not artificial flies as the feathers tickle and one may end up laughing uproariously as if at some joke which no one else has even heard or would ever understand.When fishing conventionally all these objects should be removed from the salmon or trout as of course should be your wet clothes and replaced in the appropriate way as women are said by some to be delicate creatures and cannot stand the least inconvenience to their way of life however bizarre.Far from their minds is a man stark naked and running down the highway holding a rod and line which is still attached to a salmon or trout throwing itself about like a veritable banshee looking for some way of watery escape. For whenever you try it Happy Tackling