Honk Hill: Women born to sit on a rock

Sketch for up to four speakers and pathetic music.


Pathetic adventure flick music. A wild river rushes in the background. Wind kisses the birds in the woods.

TREASURE HUNTER NO.1: It seems like an eternity.

TREASURE HUNTER NO.2: An eternity?

TH 1: Since we roamed this land to bury our treasure here.

TH 2: Yes. Years and years of patience. My father died in the meantime. My mother died. My sister died.

TH 1: No, your sister just turned the TV set on.

TH 2: But she didn't move.

TH 1: See, people tend to move very little in front of a TV. Get her exhumed when we return. She's alive.

TH 2: I wrote my number on the urn, so she can call me if she's alive.

TH 1: Back, back, back, let's go back: It seems like decades have passed.

TH 2: Even hours, since we left this place in the morning. But now the waiting's over.

This must be it! We've arrived.

TH 1: Let me take a look and check the sky to be sure!

TH 2: What do you see? Is it the right place?

TH 1: (panicked) They've changed something!

Panic music.

TH 2: Who? What? Change?

TH 1: The pattern of the clouds that marked the treasure's place!

Someone completely changed the clouds since our last visit.

TH 2: Who would do something like this?

Pathetic music and a gong.

ANNOUNCER: Our heroes need to calm down and a clean head now.

TH 1: We need to keep our nerves.

TH 2: So sad nobody wanted them.

TH 1: Look, there's a gentleman wandering over there. Maybe he can help us.

TH 2: Hello, lad. Who are you? What's your name?

ANNOUNCER: Our heroes join the man who happens to be another treasure hunter with similar problems.

TREASURE HUNTER NO.3: I used the pattern of the river's waves to remember where I hid my treasure. Oh, what a mess. Now I'll never find it.

TH 2: And they simply changed your waves, like our clouds? Bastards.

TH 3: It was a single man who did it. Luckily I've found the number of his cell phone on this maple leaf.

Treasure hunter no.3 dials the number. He gets a free sign and someone answers.

MALE VOICE: Oh, I'm so glad you've found my lost maple leaf!

TH 3: Where do you know?

MV: I have a cell phone for every maple leaf I own, and there's only one leaf missing.

TH 1: Ask him why he changed the clouds.

TH 2: And your waves.

MV: It was for training.

TH 3: What training?

MV: I musn't tell you on the phone.

TH 3: Why?

MV: Because you would hardly understand me while I was sitting on the phone.

TH 2: Ask him if he can reconstruct the clouds and the waves. We must get our treasures back.

MV: Sorry, I'm afraid I can't.

TH 3: Why not?

MV: That's on next year's schedule. But I'll give you a clue.

TH 3: He'll give us clue!

TH 1 & TH 2: We don't want your clues. Just a hint to solve the problem.

MV: Do you want the clue wrapped?

ANNOUNCER: First our three treasure hunters agree on the color of the present's wrapping, then they start to chatter.

TH 1: What treasure did you bury on the river's banks?

TH 3: My wife.

TH 2: Why did you bury your wife?

TH 3: Because I promised to dig her out as soon as I find the family's shovel.

TH 1: But you don't carry a shovel. And how did you manage to bury your wife without one?

TH 3: Well, because I didn't know you needed a shovel to do that.

A female voice interrupts the gentlemen's talk.

TREASURE HUNTER NO.3′S WIFE: Darling. Darling, I'm sitting on a rock over here.

TH 3: There's my wife. Why are you sitting on a rock?

WIFE: Because you took the cell phone. Your two friend's treasure is lying

next to the rocks over there.

TH 3: I wouldn't call it a friendship.

TH 1: Why on earth did we put our treasures next to some bare rocks?

WIFE: Since the ground is much too hard to bury anything in it.

Wally, why don't you take me home?

TH 1: Your name is Wally?

TH 3: No, but we call our left shoes Wally.

TH 2: Sorry, Mam, but as long as we can't reconstruct the clouds ...

TH 3: ... and the pattern of the river's waves...

TH 1: ...like they used to be when we burried our treasures...

TH 1,2 & 3: ... we have to harden our hearts and be able to wait.

Pathetic music.

ANNOUNCER: In this moment of shear desperation, the three men's eyes suddenly lighten up!

TH 1: See, the male voice made a sketch of the clouds and waves. It's on the back of the maple leaf! Some luck, finally!

TH 3: Here it says: "Please insert exact amount to use the leaf."

Do you have any change, lads?

TH 1 & 2. Yes, here, put it in.

THE LEAF: YOU BLOODY BASTARDS! TAKE THE BITCH, THE GOLD, THE PLATINUM, THE JEWELS AND THE CASH AND LEAVE HERE! Next.

TH 3: It's my turn. TAKE THE BITCH, THE GOLD, THE CASH ...

TH 1 & TH 2 & THE LEAF: Hah! Spoiled it. It was bitch, gold, platinum!

TH 3: Ok, you nailed me. I'll start the next round ...

ANNOUNCER: The voices of the happy bunch, lost in its play, faint.

The river gurgles. So do the birds.