Here you can find a woman's meditations about the end of her life. |
The Knock The Old Lady looked around her stealthily, afraid of something perilous, something threatening. Some voices around her seem to frighten her. Waiting, waiting all the time for the knock, the knock that will suddenly interrupt her world and will bring peace. He will come speedily in an overbearing way to give her a shock but after she will no longer be shocked by anything on earth! "I'm eighty-two next birthday. All my life I indulged myself in activities and playful pursuits, meaningless all they were, the boys I had with me loved me just for the moment and I too, perhaps, loved them in the same way. Now I am waiting for him to come and take me with him. He'll come and meet me in a kind manner. He will knock at the door, this knock isn't frightening me at all for that's what I am waiting for. It'll not grieve me for that's what I am striving for. I am dying to meet him, minute by minute, oh! That's aweful, oh, that's painful. I have met many faces, handsome and ugly, dark and fair, attractive and repulsive but have never seen such a face. It'll be a new face, dark perhaps, but not without its charm. It'll have its own beauty, its own grandeur, it own power. It'll come overwhelmingly and overpower everything about me. Perhaps it'll come striding like the night, the moonless night, the most easeful, the most beautiful. Then all will become a shadow, a darkening, a deepening shadow. It will be a new experience for me for I will be away from the monotony that kills me everyday. Life! what is this life? let me call it existence.Yes, that is what it is! Just being there, doing nothing, nothing at all and having no one, no one to care for. The desert! the desert of loneliness is eating me up day by day. Friends gone by, leading their own lives, having children, no time they have now and even if they have it, it is for their loved ones, not for me, not, not for me. I'm all alone, have lost all my confidence. "Love you, baby" someone said, well I deserved it. The girls used to praise my hairstyle, my dresses, my delicacy,etc., wishing to be like me, at times envious of me. Anyway, I loved them too. I felt many times as if I am leading a purposeless life.sometimes, I was dubious of its very being. Anyhow, everywhere I was known as an aristocratic person, a person who has money so it is needless to go for a job. I had all the pleasures at my disposal at the time of my youth. I had a grand house, cars, friends, everything a person could wish for- but lacked one thing... purpose, oh, let it go. It's of no use now, it's easy to go with him the moment he comes.A heart rending tragedy my life has become, that's why, that's why I'm waiting for him to come and take me away from this desert. He will not let me live alone anymore, will give me rest and respite that I need, making my life beautiful. Then I'll meet Him, my creator, my benefactor, who knows all and sees all. Now only He can save me otherwise I'm ruined. |