Getting Old

According to the latest statistics, as a male, I am expected to live until I am 72.95 years old.  As a Baby Boomer, I am presently 51.17 years old, which only gives me 21.78 years left to live, speaking statistically.  I'm not ungrateful for the time I have had, but what could I do to extend my life if I wanted to?  Is it possible?

I read in the news recently about a woman living in Chicago, who has reached the ripe old age of 114.  Obviously, Baby Boomers have no monopoly on longevity, and ours is certainly not the only generation that would like to have the best health it can.  People of every generation would like that.  However, now that Baby Boomers are reaching the age of retirement, a statistical death is only about eleven years away for those born in 1946, when the generation of Baby Boomers began.  So with time running out, what is the secret to achieving a longer life expectancy, and how does that relate to maximal health?

Every year people propose lifestyle changes I can make that they suggest might prolong my life.  The advice isn't necessarily news and may well just be filler for a lull in current events, or is a gentle reminder to try to have a healthier life.  A lot of the advice doesn't sound like advice.  It sounds more like common sense.  They say I should quit smoking, don't over indulge in alcohol intake, get enough sleep, don't overeat, but eat enough, and have sex.  Wait a second.  Have sex?  Like I said, common sense.  The other things are not a problem, so what else can I do?

The advisors say I should get plenty of sleep, but not too much sleep, claiming that six to seven hours of sleep a night is healthier and will help me live longer than getting any more or less.  I probably sleep too much now, having long ago traded my bong and pony keg, and sleepless nights of partying, for a career and a family.  Baby Boomers are a generation that used to be known for excessive partying.

Another suggestion is to have a happier marriage.  This advice comes a little late for some Baby Boomers, since we have higher divorce rates than any previous generation. Presuming those who had unhappy marriages are now remarried, it's time to be happy if you are not already.

Further ideas are to have more children, live in the country, have a pet, be more optimistic, laugh more, eat dark chocolate, relax with Yoga, meditation, or Tai Chi, play games that challenge your mind, drink red wine, eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, especially broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts, eat oily fish, nuts, and eat whole grains, not refined grains.

They also suggest that I drink five eight-ounce glasses of water a day, avoid foods that give me heartburn, take multivitamins daily, stay home from work if I am sick, engage in exercise that is rated anywhere from moderate to heavy, eat berries, use homeopathic cures for illnesses, sleep on my side, eat breakfast within an hour and a half after waking, burn Jasmine scented candles, take a midday nap, use unheated olive oil, and drink coffee.

Other recommendations border on being ridiculously obvious, such as not swimming with sharks, avoid working at a dangerous job, don't hang out in smoke-filled rooms, and do my best to avoid being struck by lightning.

It seems that if I observed all of these suggestions, I might live forever, but I would gladly settle for living until the age of 114 at least.

I pondered all of the advice carefully, and decided to try changing my life.

I went to bed by 11 o'clock, and tried all night to sleep on my side.  I tried so hard I didn't get much sleep.  I awoke at six o'clock, drank a glass of water, and attempted to have sex with my wife, using the argument that we should have more children.  She didn't want to, and said I should get ready for work instead.  Because of the lack of sleep, I decided to call my employer and tell him I was too sick to come in.  My wife got upset, so I suggested that I make her Dulcamara tea, which is a good homeopathic remedy for being uptight.  She stormed around the house, stating that I should go to work anyway.

I got the kids out the door and off to the school bus.  I made a cup of coffee and took the dog for a walk. When I got back to the house, my wife had left for work already.  My boss called me and told me I was fired.  I laughed.  I lit some Jasmine candles and did some Yoga, confident that I would be able to find a better job, maybe something fun.  I didn't like my postal mail-sorting job anyway.

I made another cup of coffee, took my multivitamin, had a glass of water, and decided to make breakfast.  I had a bowl of raw oats and barley with blueberries, peaches, bananas, and raspberries.  I called my wife and asked her if she wanted to come home for a romantic lunch.  I also told her that I got fired from my job.  She hung up on me.  I had the impression she was getting really stressed.  Then I did vigorous exercise for a couple of hours, which worked up an appetite.

My wife didn't show up for lunch, so I made a salad with cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, walnuts, and cranberries, and covered it with olive oil.  I washed it down with a glass of water.  After that, I took a nap.

When I awoke, I had another cup of coffee and a glass of water, and called my wife to see what time she was coming home.  She said that I had better have a new job by the time she got there.  I read the classified section in the newspaper and called to inquire about a new job.  It was a position working as a rodeo clown. It sounded fun.  The employer assured me the work was safe, it paid fairly well, and we would be required to move to the country.  Perfect!  I was hired over the phone without an interview.

Thinking my wife would be please about my new job, I listened to old Bill Cosby, Firesign Theatre, David Frye, and Shel Silverstein records.  I hadn't listened to them for years, so I laughed a lot.  When I was done with that, I did some Tai Chi, drank a glass of water, and spent time doing a crossword puzzle. I was already beginning to feel young again.

By this time, the kids and my wife came home.  My wife wasn't thrilled about my new job choice, or the prospect of having to move.

For dinner I made oily fish with broccoli, covered with almonds, and served it with red wine.  The kids didn't like it, the wine didn't go well with the fish, and my wife didn't like the Dulcamara tea.

The kids were openly disappointed with me by the time they went to bed.  My wife sat down and told me she didn't want to have any more children and she didn't want me to make dinner anymore.  I lit the Jasmine candles and offered her some more red wine and tried again to get romantic with her.  She said that unless things went back to the way they were, it would be a long time before she got romantic with me.  She suggested that I call my old boss and beg to have my job back.  I agreed.

I don't know how much my healthier lifestyle changes might extend my life.  And maybe some of the ones I tried didn't work for me, which doesn't mean they wouldn't work for someone else.  I embraced some of the choices and rejected the others as not possible, unfeasible, unwise, unpalatable, or uncomfortable.

I got my old job back, my wife and I decided that two children are enough, we don't like oily fish, and broccoli makes me gag.  I play more often with the kids now, spend less time watching television and sleeping, and I still do crossword puzzles.  I sleep in whatever position my body feels comfortable in.  I probably don't drink the recommended amount of water because, between that and the coffee, I felt like I spent all day running to the bathroom.  Yoga positions are too painful at my age, and I got acne from eating the dark chocolate.  I kind of like the scent of the Jasmine candles, drinking red wine and a moderate amount of coffee, eating nuts, and doing Tai Chi.

I concluded though, that despite any efforts I might make to extend my life, scientists say that rogue black holes are wandering around the universe gobbling up galaxies, we could possibly be zapped by cosmic rays at any given moment, we could be burned up by some super solar coronal, mass ejection of plasma, and according to some religious folks, Armageddon could still happen at any time.  The world's political climate suggests that we could eventually become involved in another world war, and the possibility exists at any time, that I could just not be looking in the right direction and step out in front of a speeding car while crossing the street.  This doesn't mean I am a pessimist, rather that I am a realist.  No matter what, nobody lives forever, and sometimes, not even as long as we would like.

Even with the few changes I made and despite the possibility of cosmic or global catastrophe, I feel more relaxed and optimistic about my lifestyle changes.

I have decided that I will continue do whatever I can to extend my life, within reason, and accept whatever fate holds for my health and my remaining 21.78 Baby Boomer years.  I'll try to be healthy and live as long as possible.

If I can't, well, that's life.