Monster

I sit alone on my bed every night
With this cold gun pressed up against my forehead
My thoughts circling inside
My finger firmly on the trigger

Looking up at the cracks in the ceiling
Just my thoughts and this gun
Wondering if I should pull the trigger or not
If I should just slip away in the dark

What a rush it is to have such power
To have such control over your life
To have such control over your feelings
And what will happen to you if I'm gone

What a rush it is to have control over you

Contemplating if I should just end my life
And make you miserable with the guilt of knowing I'm dead because of you
Or stick around a little bit longer to make you miserable with me being alive
And watch you slowly slip into your pitiful soul as your hate for me grows

If I came to you with a gun to my head and asked you to make the choice
What would you tell me?
Would you be scared?
Or would you fell guilty?

Guilty for having thoughts
Thoughts of how easier it would be without me
Or of how happy you could be without me
Would you feel guilty for wanting to take the gun and kill me yourself?

But I know you
And I know you'd say no
And that you love me
But I know you don't mean those words

I love you

You don't even know me
How can you love me
If you knew me you'd hate me
And it would be easier for you to walk away

You wouldn't feel bad for me and stick around like you do now
You would see me for what I really am
A monster
You would see that all I want to do is hurt you

Hurt you worse than you have ever hurt me
You would know how much I want you to suffer
How much I long for you to feel the pain I do
How much I hate you

Only if you knew me

If you knew me
You would hate me
And I would love you again
Because I love the way you hate me