"I Want to Kill Myself"

                                "I Want to Kill Myself"


Last night, I received a phone call from a woman who sounded like she was in her thirties.  I noticed a trace of hoarseness in her voice.  She asked if I was a pastor of the Parish of Divine Mercy.. I said yes. There was an awkward silence before she finally spoke.:

"I want to kill myself."

I tried talking to her. Maybe she listened. Maybe she didn't. But I knew for a while she was on the line, not saying anything, just sobbing. Then she was gone.

I remember when I was in grade school, I thought of drowning myself. Three months into  graduation, I was so engrossed with playing basketball that I began to skip classes. After so many absences, the headteacher told my father I was not attending classes anymore. That afternoon, my parents berated me like they never did before. The following day, I told them I was going back to school. I planned to go to the wharf near the school, jump in and drown. It was the easiest way I could think of to end my life since I didn't know how to swim.

I couldn't do it.

I'm sure some of you, at one time in your life, thought of ending your life too. The fact that you are still here means you, like me,  couldn't do it. But what about those who could and did?

Problems, when they come up close and personal, often overwhelm us.  Problems come in torrents. When problems arise they can take a life of their own. Subsequently, they snowball into one tangled mess that seems impossible to unravel.  . Each tick of the clock aggravates our problems. Time becomes an enemy. It pushes us against the wall - fast and hard.. We grope for solutions but there are none. The only option is to end it all.

Wrong. No matter how heavy the burden we bear, no matter how desperate the situation becomes, no matter how hopeless life may seem, everything will turn out for the better. That is the law of nature. Time, which we consider our enemy, is our friend. If we can't do anything anymore, let's allow to time take its own course. Let's not abbreviate it. We'll let it linger -even as we continue to suffer - let it flow and crawl at its own pace. We need not do anything. We just wait.

Just wait.  For time heals. The Ecclesiastes said it best: "There is a time for everything. A season for everything."

Time will let us cling on to our faith. Faith in ourselves, faith in others, faith in the goodness of life.  And time will give us courage.  The courage to suffer pain. Time will give us strength. The strength to hope.

If we nurture our faith, courage and strength, we'll find it easier to face the cruelest tempest life has to offer.###