I wish I could say

The things you do and cannot explain

The first time I saw him I did not feel my heart pounding, I didn’t feel the butterflies in my stomach or anything else they say you feel when you first meet that special person. At the time he wasn’t anything special he was just a nerdy boy with glasses who I happened to work with. A few weeks after meeting him a big group of us including him went to a movie and that’s how it all started; that’s what changed my life.
         I’d like to be able to remember how he went from being my co worker to my everything. We were both young, perhaps 16, when it all started. In the beginning it had been fun. We used to go on movie and dinner dates a few times a week. He would make me laugh and he would make me happy. It was everything a high school relationship should be.  I loved the little things about him like how he would roll his “R’s” when he tried saying car in Spanish or how he was terrified of all dogs including my tiny Chihuahua. We would perfect together it’s too bad it was doomed from the start like every high school relationship.
It was supposed to have been fun and that’s all it should have been. It should have only lasted a few weeks or perhaps even a few months, but it didn’t it lasted much longer I fell in love with him to the point where I loved him more then I loved myself and everyone and everything else. At the movie theatre we both worked at people started to refer to us as “they,” never as individuals, but always as one. At home my mother would ask more about him then about how I was doing in school or anything that only had to do with me. I began to schedule my days around his schedule. Mondays, Tuesday and Wednesdays were our days. On Mondays we went to a movie, on Tuesdays we did his homework and on Wednesdays we ran whatever errands he had to do. On Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays we worked together at the movies theatre. Sundays were always reserved for his friends that I was dying to meet, but never would. And so I caught up on whatever I had failed to do for myself throughout the week like homework or laundry or his Spanish homework I still had to do.
A few months into the relationship things started to not be so perfect. At work it was obvious our manager favored me over him and he began to notice this and didn’t like it. See, he had to be better then everyone else and he wasn’t going to let anyone especially me be better at anything so he fixed the problem. He began to make negative comments, at first they were small like he would pick at the fact that I couldn’t sweep very well, he would point out the tiny pieces of popcorn still in the tile crack to everyone. It was our responsibility to clean the concession stand after the theatre closed and when we done we call a manager and he would make sure every machine from the popcorn machine to the butter machine was clean. On most nights the managers wouldn’t be very picky they would point at two or three things we had to quickly wipe down before letting us leave for the night. It was him that started pointing out dirty things for them, but only on the machines I had cleaned. Back then, I used to think I was great at cleaning the butter machine and he knew that, so he pointed out every tiny spot of butter grease on that machine. Some nights we had to stay there an extra 30 minutes because it just wasn’t clean for his standards. After only a few weeks of this fellow co workers would complain if they were scheduled with me to close. My manager who had once favored me began to make it more then clear to everyone I that I wasn’t so great. The raise our manager had promised me was never given, but coincidently he became the highest paid staff member.
         Junior prom was right around the time our relationship was falling apart and my entire world was falling apart. Of course he would be my prom date and like every 17 year old girl I sincerely believed prom was supposed to be the best night of my life. After spending hours doing makeup and hair and trying to get everything perfect I couldn’t wait for the night to begin.  He and I had agreed to meet at the prom location after I met up with my girlfriends. Once the girls and I got to the prom they all met up with their dates and I was left to wait for him. I waited and I waited and I waited some more. I had called him and he told me he was on his way and 30 minutes later I called him again and he didn’t answer and again I tried to call him. No Answer. And again and no answer. Again. No Answer. Finally it would go straight to his voicemail meaning he had turned his phone off. A few minutes later the prom ended and I was still sitting on the bench, I never actually made it inside.
         I’d like to say this is when I left him.  This is when I knew I had to leave him. This is when I knew I was crazy for staying through it all.
“Do you want to know something?” he asks.
“Of course I do,” I respond.
“You are a pretty girl.”
“Aww thanks.”
“But see, I’m out of your league. See, there are pretty girls, and then there are very pretty girls and then there are very, very pretty girls. And well, you are just pretty.”
“Ok.”
‘”I could get a very, very pretty girl and a very, very smart girl. Do you understand?”
By this time I had lost all emotion. I felt like I had been stabbed several times and by then I just couldn’t feel anymore as I responded, “Yes.”
“Good I’m glad. Let’s have sex.”
“Ok.”
         I wish I could say I had actually left him after that prom night like I said earlier, but I’d be lying. After prom he told me every reason why I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t smart enough, healthy enough, pretty enough or sexy enough. I wasn’t enough. I begged him to give me a chance. I begged him to let me prove to him I was somewhat worthy of his attention. He agreed to give me a chance. I immediately cut my hair because he didn’t like it being long, I worked out, I bought new clothes, I stopped having friends because he didn’t like them. I stopped being me and I became nothing, but an extension of him. I only felt, thought, said and did as he told me to do and nothing else. When he wasn’t around to tell me what to do I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing, but wait to receive his directions. I became like an animal that has been caged up for so long that it doesn’t even miss being free.
         I sat on my bed in complete darkness listening to the monotone recording. The recording was almost as emotionless as he had been when he found out.
“A surgical abortion is a medical procedure that involves minor out-patient surgery. You are not "put under" for this procedure so the risks often associated with anesthesia are not associated with this procedure. You are sedated and given pain killers during the procedure but you remain awake and conscious during the abortion. You may be offered NO2, nitrous oxide…after the procedure you can simply drive home afterward, ” played the recording.
         I would rather listen to the recording a million times then ever think about the conversation I had with him.
“I think we have a problem,” I told him.
“What?” he replied.
“I’m late by a few weeks.”
“So?”
“Maybe we should see a doctor.”
“We? No, I’m not part of this. You do what you need to do. Get rid of it.”
“Ok.”
         
         I’d like to say this is when I left him.  This is when I knew I had to leave him. This is when I knew I was crazy for staying through it all.
         Months would go by and soon years would go by as well. The love between us would be destroyed and so would I. I knew deep inside where that baby would have been that I felt nothing for him. I did not love him. I did not feel warm and safe around him. I loved the person I thought he was, the image he had destroyed so many times, but I kept reconstructing. I loved the person that had become the foundation for the fake perfect world I had created. He was not that person, but it didn’t matter because he didn’t think it mattered. I tried getting away from him, but he didn’t let me I tried seeing others, but they weren’t him and he is what I needed. I figured eventually he would go away, eventually I wouldn’t be convenient for him, eventually he would find someone else. Eventually never came.
“If I’m such a horrible person why do you always come back to me,” I asked.
“Routine.”
“Do you love me?”
“No.”
         It’s been years now since I met him.  I have a strong career, a nice house a nice car and even a cat.  I have a life that those around me wish they had. I have a life I had wished for as a teenager. I have the life that sounds amazing until you live it and you realize what it’s really like.  He came home tonight with lipstick on his shirt, a shade I would never wear and then he climbed into bed next to me.
         I’d like to say I’ll leave him soon. I’d like to say I’m stronger now. I’d like to say he’s not my everything, but I’d be lying. I’ll never leave and I’ll never know why.