Not To Do List

Not to Do List

It’s a sick feeling

I don’t want to wake up one day and give in to the phantom of regret
I don’t want to be that person that succumbs to the tormenting reality
I want to believe in the goodness of it all
No matter how long it takes to reveal itself

I don’t want to be the person surrendering to the evil
Nourishing the badness
Giving in to the sick feeling
Waking up with vomit on the edge of their mouth
Sleeping with hysterics in their stomach
I don’t want to  be that person.

I don’t want to be that person that doesn’t fear death
Because it’s what they wish for
I don’t want to spread the swelling of my complications onto my loved ones
I want to be the axe that hammers their same swelling

I don’t want to struggle with the drives of my loved ones
Even when they seem egoistic
Even when they seem incompatible
I want to tolerate them
I want to protect them
I don’t want to be that person that resists their happiness
Because I would be struggling with my own

I don’t want to be that person that lives a linear life
With a negative slope
No booms, no recessions, just depression
I want it all,
and I want to fight for it all
The booms, the recessions, and even the depressions
I want to get chaotic
to prove that I’m living
to fight for my living
I want a sinusoidal life

I want this to be my bible
My reference
My string of faith
My savior
Each and every time I stumble

I want to look my son in the eye and say:
Son,
I fell
I messed up
I hurt
I got hurt                                                                      
But I picked myself up
the definition of living, 
That’s all you need to know 

It was a sick feeling
But it'll soon be over
because I said so
because I thought so
because I plan so.