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I don’t know how my best friend would describe me. I don’t know if he even could. I feel like I know so much about him and I do so much to make our friendship work but I get nothing in return. He turns to his girlfriend for everything now. Even though girlfriends will fade away and are easily replaceable, she still comes before me. Even though I love him enough to never leave. I wish I could say all the things I would want him to say about me. I wish I could say he thought I was funny, smart, sweet, beautiful and caring. But I know he doesn’t see me that way. And that he probably never will. He will stay wrapped in the fantasy that his girl is forever. I envy the pure innocence in it. The innocence I lost when I was still a little girl. Who would have given everything to believe in those fairy tales that brought everyone such joy. I knew they weren’t real. I knew that life and love ended as quickly as they came. I didn’t have the luxury of living like I would never die. I sat alone and mourned what I lost while other celebrated what was to come. My mother and father shouted and cursed. They broke my favorite toy in the fits of rage directed another. It was never happy. It was never pure and innocence. It was hard and cold and the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. They say you can get over a bad childhood. I just wish they told you how. But they, whoever they is, tell you that is for you to find on your own. They offer no help to those who need it most. They keep all that wisdom they claim to posses and let you wander around in the cold and pray you find some shelter. Because that’s all you ever wanted. Some place to call home and someone to share it with. All you wanted was to fall asleep with his arms around you and feel safe, secure. But you fear that you never will. You were broken long before anyone knew that little girls need help sometime too. You lost it all when you were supposed to be happy and healthy because life was pure and simple and easy. But how could you be happy when you spent nights under the covers, praying that the yelling may finally stop, that you could sleep for once and pretend that you’re family was everything you hoped it could be become. But it was never so. You have no memories of what love is and what it could be. Tragedy is all you were ever taught. That the tears out weighed the smiles. And now you’re left wondered how you can fix it. How can you learn to trust after all of the pain. How do you deal with a pain that cut you so deep you have to hurt yourself to feel alive. How you smile and fake that everything is alright when all you can hear is your blood pounding in your ears and your world falling down around you with each painfully breath. How do you believe someone when they say they love you when that word was never followed by any lasting good. When all you feel is the doubt clawing at your stomach begging to tear you apart. What do you do when the mention of how people see you fills you with all the memories of everyone who has ever let you do. How do you move on from something when it’s all you known. I want you to be the one that proves me wrong. And it’s that very desire that makes me want to hide away. I can’t deal with another let down. I can’t remember how this started. I don’t know why I can’t stop my fingers from punching these keys. I don’t know how to stop all these memories from escaping. I watched you walk out that door and I couldn’t let you see me cry. As soon as that door closed. Tears fell. And fell. Nothing would stop them. I can’t remember when this became about you. I promised I’d forget you. But seeing you was too much. I would rather cut out my eyes. Then meet yours once again. And even as time passes, and the scars fade. The stains you left on my pillow case just won’t wash out. And the memory of you just won’t fade from my lips. And everything you said to me still rings in my ears. So as you move on and grow up I’m just stuck. And I hate that I can’t pick myself up from where you left me, bruised and broken. I hate that every time my phone goes off. Pieces of my heart still rise to my throat just in case it’s you. And you’re begging my forgiveness. And you need me as much as I still need you. And I so afraid I’ll wait for you forever and I’ll miss out on everything worth living for because I can’t forget what I lost. And what you took from me. No matter how much I tried. I’m too old to hide under the covers. I’m too old to keep that childish hope alive. I’m too old to pretend things will be okay and that things fall into places perfectly like they do in the movies.
Life is a puzzle. But some pieces are missing, some don’t even belong to me, and others still are warped beyond repair and can’t fit into their places.