ZooM the BooM

ZooM the BooM

Students are wasting their precious Rs. 5/- on ET, FT, BS, BL and a million other publications. All the newspapers, perpetually on all days carry the same clichéd headline – “Tom, Dick and Harry launch a TV Channel targeting Toms, Dicks and Harrys”. The only news differentiation is the name of the channel (which is also becoming a rarity now!!); with all other contents of the article remaining the same.

This can mean only 2 things… either the newspapers are not getting enough masala to print or there is really something behind this channel buzz!

The confused viewers are still undecided whether to choose Jassi over Tulsi and to top it all; everyday a media group is launching a new TV channel giving the already bewildered spectator a few more Mother India’s to choose from. God save these channels if CAS is to be implemented (we may actually see Jassis’ and Tulsis’ campaigning to choose their channel for the CAS bouquet).

To clear the dark clouds, I’ll try and find out what lies beneath all this bedlam. And once these dark phases clear out we will be able to answer these questions…
1) Is there space for any more TV launches?
2) What about the Advertising revenues?
3) Will the companies be ready to spend more?
4) What about the employment opportunities?
5) Is India ready for the satellite channels… especially under the current                  infrastructure development?

… And many more. Buckle up and be ready to explore the channel wars… and don’t worry I wont bore you with hi-fi techi info… my credo is to KISS (Keep It Simple Sweetheart) !!

IS THERE ROOM FOR MORE CHANNELS?????? Well to answer that I’ll have to reveal some classified information. ‘It’s the GOI’s mission that every Indian should be exposed to at least one TV channel’. And come on guys… in a country where we can accommodate 10000 times more population than our capacity a few billion channels will surely not hurt!  Now I am sure the ‘More Space for new TV Channels on the network’ question is solved.

With the arena open for the war, there would be a potpourri of channels. Here are a few which you can expect on the menu –

K TV

         Ekta Kapoor would sever her ties with Star Network and launch her own satellite TV channel by the name of K TV. The USP of this channel would be that all the soap operas, Tushaar films and other films, advertised products, etcetera etcetera would have names starting with the letter K.
 
Maal Yaa TV

         If you can’t guess it from the name you did not read it aloud… this channel will be launched by the liquor baron Vijay Mallya. Ever since the banning of liquor ads on television, Mr. Mallya has been thinking of ways to promote his booze. He was not very satisfied with promoting it under mineral water brands and by sponsoring horse races.
So one evening after a few Kingfishers’ he decided to launch a TV with a difference (all are with one…right?) and gave birth to Maal Yaa TV. This channel would be really different; It would show case how to make different liquors at home! Now there is a catch here… the ingredients of making the brew would be sold exclusively by United Breweries Ltd. The other program content would be something like live visits to international breweries and tele shopping (which would only sell liquor brands… this is not advertising!). Also there would be loads of fashion shows aired, which would be of course hosted by the UB group.


BABY TV
         This will be a channel targeted only for children below the age of 3 years. WHAT!!!!!!! Yup, you read it right… an American agency has done a detailed survey on kids between the ages 1 day old up to 3 years and studied their TV viewing habits. Based on the findings, they have decided to launch a channel targeting this niche market which has by far the biggest growth potential. HOW? Simple…
The program content will be all baby based. They say great things come in small packages… well it will be true here. This channel will create history with the number of brand placements it has in it. Again WHY BRAND PLACEMENTS in A BABY TV?? Babies will be exposed to usage of different lifestyle products through the program content and as we all know - psychological impressions on a baby brain are almost impossible to erase, these same bunch of kids will be the future consumers of the products. Also all ads will be permitted on air (apart from liquor and cigarette products) which will also do their act on the babies’ minds.
These Rascal Marketers won’t even leave the innocent babies alone!
AD TV
         This would be an exclusive channel which will show advertisements from all across the world, produced by all the possible cos. and ad agencies. This will shrink the world to a microscopic size where all consumers will be aware of all the products available in the world. Also it will be a hit with the AD lovers and also the masses since no one on this earth would not like to see great ads. It would also facilitate exchange of ideas and creativity and at the same time reduce the CTRL C – CTRL V mentality of ad makers.

Channel Infinity
         By now I am sure you have realized that there will be channel launches every millisecond. To keep a track of how many channels are launched, at what time and what place a new channel will be launched which will keep track of all these, especially in this fast launch world where even the Sab se Tez news channel will not be able to keep track of it.
Track TV
         This channel would be the biggest evil of TV boom; (but I am sure a few will consider it as a boon of the boom), if you haven’t guessed, it will be an interactive channel, which will keep track of which channels you are watching.
Not clear… hold it…
If you are watching K TV, but due to a 20 sec. commercial break, you surf channels at the pace of 300 miles/hr., chances are bright that you may loose track of the channel which you were on. So this channel will help you get back to your original view. Smart! Very smart!
We will Zoom the Boom a little more so that we can explore it more.
All these channels will definitely bring employment opportunities with it. So don’t be surprised if you see your wife fighting with the neighbourhood angel Mrs. Sharma on ‘Gupshuup TV’ being reported live by your house maid Sakubai who happens to be a correspondent for that channel.
Also with the advent of so many channels, the big ad agencies will find it difficult to cater to its smaller clients. So you will have access to O & M right down the corner of your street.
Ok… ok… O & M is not Ogilvy & Mather; it is the local Om and Marathe Advertising Ltd.!!
Also with so much competition amongst channels, they would be combating as if they were in the Kurukshetra. To increase their TRPs they would start advertising and promoting their channels like no tomorrow. In the deal not realizing that they have put up a hoarding, show casing the launch of their channel in a small hamlet in the remote corner of India where even the electricity supply has not been provided by GOI.
Well the above minor mistake was due to the overload on MR firms, who do not want to loose out on clients (the moment an MR firm says that the launch is not feasible, the client moves to a different MR firm who says yes to the ambitious deal). So MR firms’ jobs would become very easy, they just have to give statistics which say there is a market for your channel.
          Though the 2-in-1 screen TVs failed when they were introduced in the market a few years back;  they would make a come back this time; not as 2-in-1 but as many-in-1 screen TVs.
         As a matter of fact, the GOI has decided to make a rule that every channel launched henceforth should have its name in the form of numbers. That simply means, if today Sony and Nick TVs decide to launch a new channel they both would have to name it Sony One and Nick One respectively. This decree was passed with a simple purpose of clearing the confusion of daily launches and to keep a track of the number of channels on the block. So after this if Sony wants to launch one more channel it will be called Sony Two.
Also I’ll make a come back if all the things I have mentioned do not turn out to be true, writing about the ‘Burst in the BooM’.

DiDo