Who have i become?

The reminising took place over a few drives home or to where ever i was going. Some would be filled with crying as The Smashing Pumpkins blarred from my stereo. Other times i sat there lost in thought because suddenly I had no idea who I was. Either the sun was just peaking out of the horizon and I smelt like a night full of sin or the sun was setting and I was dressed in my finest clothes on the way to commit the sin. Either way through any of these drives to and from, I knew that I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, what I should do and if the next step I took would be wrong or right. Basically, to put it bluntly, I was more lost than I had ever been in my life.


Being in a three year relationship since I was a freshman in high school was rough. Part of me was ecstatic because I had someone who knew me better than any other individual on the earth. To top it off he was my best friend. He was kind and compassionate, when he chose to be. Our friends were shared and interests melted together. But being a Junior in high school and feeling like an elderly couple was taking it's toll on me. I was longing for passion and intense love, the things you would get at the beggining of a relationship but it wasn't there anymore. We were now just part of each others lives, it felt like we were just buddies. Don't get me wrong, I loved Tyler but this just wasn't what I was looking for.

And that is when Eli steps in. Eli was a Mexican guy that I worked with at Taco bell. He was average height and a little chubby. He had a shaved head that was fuzzy like a peach and i loved running my hand over it. He was funny, clever and always loved to joke around and make the job fun. And what really drove me to him, was his scent. He wore this cologne, which I later found out was called, "Mambo," that lingered even after hours of being around him. I had a crush on him for a few months and I couldn't explain it. The guys I always went for were grungy punks like my boyfriend or his friends. But I never expected anything to come from it, as always, and thought that it would soon fizzle away.


I was getting frustrated and snapped at Tyler no matter what he did. And soon I met a breaking point. After a long day at work Tyler called me. He proposed a question, "Would you like to walk to the town green for a battle of the bands." I knew I should have gone. I knew that it would have been a lot of fun but in the back of my mind, I just wanted to go to Eli’s. SO that’s what I did. I made an excuse and not even minutes after hanging up with Tyler, I was on the phone with Eli making plans to go to his house.

I remember the drive there. I was so nervous and confused as to what exactly I was doing. I had no idea if I was going to make a move on him or if it was just a get together between friends, a friend that I had a crush on mind you. We drank wine coolers (me faster then him) as we cleaned up the mess that was left from a party he had the night before. We fell onto his bed after the mess was picked up. We stared into each others eyes, letting out an uneasy laugh at times. I knew it was coming. I hate to admit it now but I made the first move and went in for the kiss. At the time I would have told you that I saw fireworks. I couldn’t hear anything else in the whole world and for the first time in months, my mind wasn’t racing. I was exciting and I was happy. The kissing continued for hours. We would stop if only for a minute and say the same things, "This is wrong, we can’t do this, we have to stop," but it just kept on happening. It was everything I had been longing for. It was the ultimate rush. That night as we stood on the porch saying our goodbyes we made it clear to each other that this was a one night thing and it would never happen again. He held onto my hand until the last second as I walked away. The good bye wouldn’t last long.

The night of lust turned into a short lived affair. I would race from Tyler’s house back to Eli’s for a night of sin for a short time or only a few weeks. I felt as if I was living two lives. One where I was that old lady in the same boring relationship and another where I was young, full of life and experiencing all new things. There were moments where thoughts would occur such as, "This is wrong, I’m a whore," but I would suppress them and push them out of my view. Some nights I would lye in bed feeling dirty as if I had something on my skin, a sin, that I would never be able to wash away.

A trip to Cape Cod with Tyler and my family was only days away. In one of my last talks with Eli I told him that after the trip I would end everything with Tyler and we could be together. He would nod and agree with me but never had much input about the whole ting. Things never do turn out the way you wish they would.

During the entire week I ignored and bashed Tyler. I spent the week texting Eli but never getting any response. I would got for walks by myself to the beach at night. I would call him but to no avail. I would kick sand, scream at the water and throw rocks, crying I would fall into the sand because everything was crashing down on top of me.

One night Tyler found me starring at the water and he sat beside me. There were minutes of silence, tears streaming down my face, him surprisingly silent and for the first time in three years, we were almost strangers to each other.

By the last few days I convinced myself I would get out alive and this whole nightmare would be over. But on the second to last night is when every thing was thrown upside down. I was sitting on the balcony just starring at the parking lot when he walked out and sat beside me. He cleared his throat and started the conversation straight to the point, "There is something wrong with us isn’t there?" Everything came out that night, all the imperfections I saw in the relationship and why I felt the way I did. I cried, he cried, and we broke up about ten times. I would change my mind and decided I wanted him back. Everything was exposed and we fixed and told each other what we would work on. It lasted for hours and by the end of it I was squeezed tight in his arms. Just the sounds of crashing waves in the distance and sobs by pale moonlight. Everything was supposedly out in the open except for my mistakes and Eli.

I’d like to say that when I got home I ended the whole thing with Eli, but truth be told he ended it with me. The following months were filled with emotions I never even knew I could feel. There was a constant guilt that followed me like a rain cloud absolutely everywhere I went. If anyone ever said anything positive about me, my mind would immediately counter it. I felt like a whore. I thought things over about ten times before speaking in fear that it would leave clues as to what I had done. I was in total panic at all times. I would snap an everyone for stupid reasons. I spent more and more time at home just sitting around watching mindless television I would end up balling my eyes out, feeling hollow and worthless. I would call my friends as I desperately sought after help but no on really took what I was saying seriously. Tomorrow was always the day I would tell him the truth. I longed constantly that I could go back in time and change it. I longed constantly to just be the girl I used to be, when things were easy. Always in conversations people would bring up that they would love to have what Tyler and I had. I would say that, "I wish I did too." we were supposed to be high school sweet hearts and I fucked it all up. And to add to everything Tyler was being extra sweet, kind and loving. I was falling for him all over again.

At least when I was with him I could pretend I had the perfect life. I was so happy to be around him. It didn’t all affect me until I was alone. But with him everything felt like the old times and new blossoming love. It wouldn’t last.

I still remember the day, it’s over a year later and I still remember everything. I woke up early in his bed and instead of staying later to snuggle I knew I just had to get home. I gathered my things and that’s when he woke up. He smiled at me and sat up. He stared at me a while and asked if I would stay a bit longer but I refused. I put my hand on his face and told him in the most sincere way possible that I loved him and gave him our last kiss and I was gone.

I got the phone call in the late afternoon. I was standing at the drive thru window and I answered it. Tyler starting the conversation easy, "Where are you?"

"Working why?" I asked.

"I just had an interesting conversation with Le, he told me everything," I could hear the anger in his voice. A jolt of fear raced into my stomach. "Look, I’ll come over after work and we can talk this over," I cried.

"Frankly, I don’t ever want to speak to you ever again," He screamed and hung up the phone.

I stood in the drive thru dumb struck, in a state of complete shock. Orders were ringing in my head set but I couldn’t hear them. Finally some one noticed me just standing there and asked me what was the matter. The only words that could come out of my mouth were fragments, "Something....happen...boyfriend. Have to go," the rest was just crying.

It was the typical breakup, him yelling, me crying and followed by him throwing all my stuff into the car and leaving. It would only get worse. I drowned my sorrows in wine and watched Titanic as I cried. It was pathetically dramatic. He would call me because I was the one he would call when he was depressed. At school I would pass people and I would feel that these people didn’t even know who I was anymore. I missed him and I was more depressed then I was when I was with him.

It took the help of a good friend, Marissa, to pull me out of it. As I was sitting beside her crying and telling her that I felt like the shit underneath some ones shoe, she stopped me. "Stina," she started, "You are human. You make mistakes. It’s just part of life. Life isn’t all sugar and rainbows, you have to take the good with the bad."

This made more sense to me then anything I had ever heard in my life. And the learning from this experience began. Of course there was the obvious lesson, don’t cheat which came easy to learn. In tv shows, movies and books this whole thing is glamorized when in reality, it’s hell. I also learned that your real friends will always stand by you. As some friends ditched me for the way I acted, many stood by my side and helped me through it. And basically through the experience I gained my philosophy on life. To live fast, keep your loved ones close and never forget the journeys that helped you become the person you are. I could waste my time and live with regret but instead, I learned from it and became a better person. Life is to short to live in the past, you just have to move on.