To Forget

To Forget

By Matt Harris

         Zach sat up straight in his bed, sweat beaded on his forehead. He took a few deep breaths and looked over at the ancient clock on the nightstand.  The paneled numbers read: 5:34.  He sighed and rubbed his eyes as if he could wipe away his thoughts.  He could hear the birds outside chirping, and somewhere nearby the sounds of splashing and children’s laughter.  Children’s laughter; how ironic, he thought.  His dreams were haunted by a child’s voice.  She however, wasn’t laughing.
         “She was screaming,” he thought aloud.  He winced, as if in pain, as the tears started again.  He almost laughed as he thought about it.  I can’t cry. I’ve been conditioned not too. I’ve never cried before.
         For three days now, Zach Morgan had tortured himself.  Never leaving his motel room, barely eating, no entertainment, not a single activity to take his mind off his own misery.  He couldn’t allow that.  No, not after what happened.
         Zach forced himself out of bed.  After He was on his feet, he looked at the shower stall.  He could see it from the reflection of the bathroom mirror. He shrugged his shoulders and started to undress.
        He stepped in the shower and turned on the water.  His muscles all contracted at the touch of the cold water.  He gritted his teeth and endured the discomfort for a moment, then he reached forward and turned the knob for the hot water to get some heat in the stream of water.  He rolled his eyes, disappointed with himself.  He should just take the discomfort of the cold water.  He didn’t deserve to be comfortable.  After a minute of standing in the steam filled shower he reached over and retrieved a razor from the sink edge.  He broke the head off by knocking it against the tiled wall.  He removed one of the razor blades, took a deep breath, and began a cutting a long gash lengthwise along the inside of his wrist.  A steady stream of blood mixed with the water and ran down his body and into the tub drain.
         A few minutes later, still dripping from his shower, Zach stood looking out the one window in his motel room.  He watched intently as a young woman, probably in her mid 20’s was getting a bucket of ice from the machine outside his room. He noticed how her hair was semi wet as if she’d recently gotten out of the shower herself.  He looked at her clothes.  They were pajamas basically. Some faded blue sweat pants and an old T-shirt with some writing that was so washed out, Zach couldn’t read what it said.  It was the emblem of some old rock band was the best he could guess.  He continued watching as she finished filling the bucket and turned to head back to her room.  She noticed him through the blinds as she did, and gave him a polite smile, and then hurried past his room and out of sight.
         Zach stared at where she was for a moment, in silence.  It was a silence that would only last until he slept again.  A silence that he relished and hated at the same time. It was enough to drive a man insane.
         “We had to be insane to try this in the first place,” he said aloud.
         “Insanity is what we’re here to correct 34,” came the nearly monotone response.
        Zach let out a half-hearted laugh. “I wondered when you’d pipe-up again,” he said, “I figured within 30 seconds of turning you back on.  I guess you’re learning after all.”
        “You forget 34, I monitor your bio-sensors at all times, and I can tell when you are stressed.  I was able to determine that you needed some time to your thoughts,” came the voice again.  “34, I must warn you, it is against code to tamper with my hardware or software.  My functionality is vital the completion of your missions.”
        “I’m glad you’re thinking of my wellbeing,” Zach said, the words sounding as empty as he felt. “’For all men’s wellbeing,’” he quoted the agency’s mission statement. “Men should leave well enough alone.”
        “34 what you did was necessary.  Your actions will make the future a brighter one for the citizens of the world,” the voice chirped.
        “Thanks for the pep talk,” he said, his words dripping with sarcasm, “the world doesn’t need our help Ronin,” Zach stated. “We should just accept the hand we’re dealt.”
        “Sir, if you truly felt that way, you wouldn’t have joined us,” Ronin responded.
        “Us!” Zach scoffed, “You say that as if you’re a part of us.  I have a little secret for you. You are nothing. You’re a tool. You’re a machine for us to use; nothing more. You’re a mistake as well,” he trailed off as he finished the last sentence.  He lifted his arm and looked at the small rectangle, now exposed, embedded in the underside of his wrist.  “At least you have an excuse.  You see, you were made that way.  You are an imperfect creation from and imperfect creator,” he said as he stuffed the exposed circuitry back into the incision he cut in his wrist.  As he did so, he winced from the pain.
        “My creators have accomplished more than many men have even dreamed of accomplishing,” Ronin retorted.  The liquid crystal display in Zach’s arm flashed green with each word the device pronounced.
        “Yes, they made you, and all were amazed at the wonders of your abilities, and it made them arrogant enough to try this!” Zach said, lifting his hands and gesturing around himself.  “The worst part is that they were successful.”
        Ronin started to say something in response, but Zach interrupted. “I’m going back to bed.” He said.
Zach walked over and then crawled onto the twin-sized bed, and laid down atop the un-kept blankets.  All was silent in the room for a full moment.
        “34?”
        A moment of hesitation, “Yes?”
        “Why’d you reactivate me?”
        Hesitation again, “I don’t know.  I guess when that electrical shock shut you off, but failed to kill me.  I felt guilty… or jealous.”
        “For whatever reason, I’m grateful,” Ronin stated, “you’re lucky that I was not permanently damaged when you grabbed that power line.”
        “Yes, lucky.”

        “Hey man, it’s me.” Came a voice, “C’mon, lets get you back home. You look awful.”
        Zach opened his eyes to see a stocky man in a black hooded jacket and some black jeans standing over him.  The jacket was zipped all the way up.  He immediately recognized the face and voice.
        “I feel awful too,” he said, glancing at the clock.  He had fallen asleep.  It had been several hours.
        “I know bro, let’s get home and you’ll forget all about it.  It took me a while to find you.  Nice dump you found,” the man said, as he grabbed Zach’s wrists to try and pull him up to a sitting position.  As he did Zach pulled away.
        “What’s wrong with you man?” he said, “You cut into your AI unit?  You don’t want to have to go through the surgery to replace Ronin.  Remember the first time?”
        “All too clearly.  That is something I’d rather forget,” Zach returned, “he’s still as active as ever, now that I turned him back on.  He’s one thing I’d be happy to forget.”
        “Well, whatever man, it’s still working so let’s get going.  I’ve got an opening in 4 minutes,” the man in the hooded coat said, again trying to help Zach up. “We gotta get to the point of departure.”
        “I should have known they’d send you,” Zach said, pulling loose from the man’s grip again.
        “For your information, no one sent me.  I asked to come when I found out what happened,” the man said, sounding concerned, “I’m not going to leave you here.  We’re practically brothers.  And there is no way Tylor Gibbs is gonna leave his bro behind.”  He said the last phrase with a smile in an attempt to lift his friend’s spirits.
        Zach just stared back for a moment before speaking again, “Tylor, no.”
        “Don’t do this Zach.  You, of all people, know the risks involved in our work.  This same thing could have happened to many other agents.  Innocent people sometimes get hurt.  Hell, it probably has happened to lots of agents. Maybe it’s even happened to us too.  We don’t remember anyway, once we go back,” Tylor said, frustration creeping into his words, “it’s all right as rain once were back.”
        “It’s not right. It’s just forgotten.”
        “However you say it, it still won’t affect you at all once you step through that gate.”
        “I know what you’re saying is the truth Tylor, and yes, me of all people, I should know that for sure.  I helped develop the technology and test it. So, I guess I’ve only myself to blame for this whole mess, but…”
        “But?” Tylor beckoned.
        “You honestly don’t know do you?”
        “He does not need to know,” Ronin’s voice chimed.
        “Damn it Ronin, I was wondering when you would speak up,” Zach said.
        “That little voice is in your head, so I can’t hear what he’s saying Zach, but I know he’s agreeing with me,” Said Tylor.
        Zach sat up and swung his feet over the bed edge and onto the floor.  He ran his fingers through his short black hair in frustration. “Of coarse he agrees with you.  He’s programmed to get me to go back.  So are you, listen to me Tylor, I finally see the truth. What we’re doing is wrong!  We’re playing God, and he doesn’t like sharing his responsibility.”
        “Zach it’ll be alright, you have got to trust me.  Trust your gut.  Deep inside, you know it’s true too.  You knew this kinda thing could happen.  That’s why all agents have a Ronin installed.  He’s sort of a backup conscious.  One without emotional complications.  It’s to get us to complete our missions and get back so we do as little change to the timeline as possible,” Tylor explained, waving his arms in frustration.
        “I know!  I know, why do you think I shut Ronin off?  I want to think for myself for once.  I want to feel this!”
        “Zach…” Tylor is cut off by Zach.
        “You weren’t there!  You didn’t see what happened!  You didn’t hear her scream!” Zach yelled at his friend.
        “34, your blood pressure is rising.  Listen to 37.  Go back through the gate with him.  You’ll forget all that has happened…” The last words of Ronin’s voice slowed and faded out, as the voice lost power from Zach ripping the wires loose from the chip in his arm.
        “Zach, look what you’re doing to yourself!” Tylor stepped forward and forcefully pulled Zach to his feet.
        Zach resisted.  He pulled back a third time.  He stepped up onto the bed and backed up to the wall, taking a defensive posture. “Don’t touch me.”
        Tylor backed up a few steps, and then he pleaded with his friend. “Zach, you’re making this hard on me.  I came here to help you.  I know you’d have done the same for me.”
        Tylor, you’re probably right, but if you’d seen what I’ve seen, you’d stay here too,” Said Zach.
        “Your presence in this time will destroy our future.  There is too much at stake to leave you here.  You can do a lot to hinder us in this time.  With the anger you have toward the agency right now, that risk is far too great.  My orders are clear.  Take you back…”
        “Or take me out, Zach finished, “I know what your orders are Tylor.  And, I realize my responsibility in this matter too.  And, the fact is: I can’t leave.”
        With tears forming in the corners of his eyes, Tylor responded, “then I have no choice.”  Tylor reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small pistol.  He aimed it at his friend with trained precision and fired a round into Zach’s chest, leaving a dime-sized hole in his chest, right over his heart He then quickly leapt onto the bed and kneeled over his friend as he collapsed.
        Zach felt his whole body give way under him as the bullet punched through his chest and out his back. He fell into a crumbled heap on the hotel bed.  Then as quickly as his damaged heart flat-lined, his bypass kicked in to keep him alive.  An artificially heart connected to the main arteries that automatically took over pumping if for any reason the real heart failed.
        Tylor produced from his jacket, a small handheld computer that fit in his palm.  With the press of a button, a small compartment on the side of the device opened, and he removed two electrodes attached to the device by wires and jammed their needled ends into Zach’s chest.  The device automatically started the emergency shut down of the back-up heart.  Now all Tylor had to do was hold Zach down so he couldn’t remove the electrodes until they finished their task.  True, he could have just fired through the artificial heart as well, but protocol dictated that they keep things like weapons fire to a minimum.  A stray bullet could be detrimental.  Someone important to the timeline might get killed unintentionally.
         Zach struggled, but was in too precarious of a position to gain leverage enough to throw his attacker off of himself.  But he struggled on anyway.  Tylor held him down with relative ease.  That made him sick to his stomach.  Tears streamed down his face as he watched the display on his computer count up the percentage until the artificial heart would reach shut down, and steal his friend’s life.
        Still fighting back hopelessly, Zach struggled to speak. “You tell them I completed my mission as ordered,” He huffed, “my target, a high government official in the year 1989.  I found my target in the location described in my briefing.  He was vacationing with his family in the mountains of Colorado.”  Zach relaxed his fight a bit, “I chose the attack of opportunity as the council had suggested. I struck right as the family was walking across the Royal Gorge suspension bridge.  It was the highest suspension bridge of that era.  One shot was all it took.  I fired at such a high velocity from a cliff face a few hundred yards away, had the shot not been silenced, witnesses would have heard the shot after the target was already falling over the railing.  Already dead, the fall to the train tracks below would be double sure the job was done.  Mission accomplished.”  Zach’s heart rate began to slow as he continued, “To my astonishment, along with my target falling off the bridge, was another body.  It was a child.  She was four years old, with long brown hair and brown eyes.  I could see her face clearly through the magnification of my scope.”
        Zach coughed, and started to fight back again, not ready to throw in the towel until he had his say. “When the government official had been blown over the rail by my shot, his arm had flown up and struck a fellow tourist that was looking over the rail, causing him to drop the child he held in his arms.  He lost his grip and she plummeted to her death as well.  Ronin immediately reminded me that she was merely collateral damage.  Thorough research had been done.  No one else on the bridge that day would affect the timeline if they were killed during the mission.  I was assured.” 
        Zach struggled more, feeling his time slipping away, “That’s what we’re trained to think Tylor!  Just look the other way, mission accomplished.  So, that’s what I thought.  I did the text book sweep to be sure the job was done.  I posed as one of the many frightened tourists.  I came down from my hiding spot and got close enough to listen to the reports from the cops that arrived on the scene to confirm the correct target was hit, and that the target was terminated.  I found a female police officer interviewing a heavyset man that was in complete despair.  He kept crying out, ‘I dropped my baby!  I dropped my baby!’”
        Zach stopped fighting, his strength gone. Tylor’s eyes no longer watching the monitor, but fixed on his friends face, which was now calm. The numbers were now reading 94%.
        “I recognized the man Tylor!  I knew him!  He was much younger then the man I would eventually know, but it was him.”
        “Who?” Tylor asked with a quivering voice.
        “My father-in-law,” Zach stated, nearly out of breath completely, “he was crying because he just dropped his only daughter over the railing of the Royal Gorge.
        “Wendy,” Tylor managed to whimper the name, “it was Wendy as a child.”
        “Yes,” he stated.  “Now do you understand?  Now can you see?  Can’t you understand why I can’t leave?”  He gasped, “at least I’ll die, knowing that I once was married to her, rather than return to a future where I never knew the happiness she brought me.  I will know what we had… I will know who I loved!”
        “Zach I had no idea… The council they didn’t tell me…” Tylor’s words were interrupted by his computer beeping. The device’s reading reached 100% cardiac shutdown.  As it did, Zach reached up and placed his hand on friend’s cheek.
        “I just didn’t want… to forget.”