Love is for Losers

When I think about it, I don't really understand why I didn't like Nathan back then.  The thing about me and Nathan is we were best friends since before I could even remember, our mothers were best friends when they were young too so we were quite like family, without being like family.  I hope you understand that, I do understand it is a very difficult thing to grasp unless you are either myself or Nathan, or have a similar relationship with a guy that is in love with you.  When we were five, I remember very well, that Nathan was a typical five year old boy, obviously.  I did not like it, being a typical five year old girl I was under the influence all boys were "yucky." Nathan and I grew up together, once we'd got through the "I think you're yucky" phase we became very close.  Nathan knew much more about me than anyone else.  We had sleep-overs and joined birthday parties [he was only two days older than me], we were the perfect best friends.  Even though from about the age of eight, it was obvious to myself and everyone else around me, that yes, he was in love with me.  I don't just mean a crush that will fade, I mean head over heels, want to marry you, kind of love.  Instead of the crush fading like I had hoped, as we got older it seemed to get worse, up until the point where we came to this daily routine of arguing about it.  I have to admit, Nathan was extremely good looking.  I believed he could do much better than me, but obviously I never admitted this to anyone. He had those surfer/skater good looks and reminded me extremely of Jason Dolley. Longish blonde hair which flicked out at the ends, bright blue eyes and a perfect smile.  He was also the only guy in our year with flawless skin too. I always told people then that I did not love him as anything more than a friend.  It took me until now to realize that that was possibly the biggest lie I have ever invented, sometimes I could kick myself for being so stupid. So, I guess I should explain. Brace yourself...It was a bumpy ride...

It started off a normal day. By normal I mean I got up, showered, got dressed, had breakfast packed my bag and waited for Nathan.  We lived close and always walked to school together. After this everything got quite... abnormal, anyway.  It was getting quite late so I decided to wait outside so when Nathan arrived we could go straight. I went to say goodbye to mum but she'd gone already, which was strange she was always late for work.  I glanced at my watch and realized if he didn't get here in three minutes we would be late for school. It was weird because Nathan was never late, and never ill either so that was not an excuse.  I decided to go and fetch him from his house. 
The car wasn't parked on the drive.  I knocked anyway.  No one answered, this was too strange.  I guessed maybe Nathan was annoyed with me for always being so "unappreciative of his love." His words, so I walked to school, alone, for the first time since we had started senior school four years ago.  It was weird, I felt so alone really and vulnerable, I never noticed how much I needed Nathan apparently. 

My brain seems to have not taken into account everything that had happened after walking in to school. I vaguely remember the headmistress' office and my mother picking me up and then... the hospital.  Unless you have seen your best friend lying in a hospital bed, their normally bright smiling face white as a sheet and conveying no emotion you have no idea how horrible it is.  The weird thing is, I didn't cry.  Nathan's mother was sitting there, in the chair next to his bed holding his hand.  I wanted to hold his hand, no, I wanted him to hold my hand, like normal.  I was told Nathan was pushed down the stairs, he incurred severe injuries, worse than they normally saw. It was strange. Nathan's mum told us it was all such a rush she'd forgotten to phone, that was weird, my mum and her were practically sisters, anyway, mum took her off for a coffee and the doctors left, so it was just me and Nathan.  His eyes shut tight.  If it wasn't for the machine beeping next to him I would have believed he was dead.  How could this happen just from falling down the stairs?  It wasn't possible, was it?  I knew there was something someone wasn't telling us.  I knew it.  I sat in the chair.  I reached out my hand, ready to take his, when he stirred.  It made me jump.  His face changed, he looked in pain.  I wanted to stop it.  This was my best friend in the world, why was this happening?  He had bruises on every visible part of his body. I shook my head as I contemplated if he had bruises on his perfectly toned body.  Trust me to think of him like this now! I told myself I felt sorry for him, and suddenly felt the need to tell him I loved him, but it wasn't true, I just felt sorry for him, I did.  I suddenly felt so far from Nathan, so distant.  I felt a sudden need to be close to him, to hold him.  There was nobody around, he was in a private room, the bed was big... I climbed up next to him, I was right on the edge, I didn't want to hurt him, but at the same time wanted to hold him so tightly he'd probably break a dozen bones.  I put my arm over his stomach, careful not to touch one of the many wires attached to him. This couldn't have just been a fall down the stairs, could it? It was terrible. I closed my eyes and fought back tears.  I had to be strong, for everyone. 

"Oh Nathan-" I began to talk to him.
"Yes Poppy?" I sat up, he was awake. Talking, groggily, like he was half-asleep. Before we go on I feel the need to mention my name is actually Kara, Poppy was a childhood thing between us, don't ask.
"Nathan!" I threw my arms around his neck.  Darn the wires anyway, they were just possible keeping him alive!
"Ouch." He said slowly and quietly.
"Sorry-What happened?!" I asked, maybe i'd get the truth from him.
"If I tell you I have a rare illness and have three hours to live will you declare your undying love for me?" He asked smiling. At least he hadn't lost his sense of humor in that fall, and his perfect teeth were still perfect.
"No." I said seriously.
"Oh-"
"I can't lie to you." I said. Oh god, here I went again.  WHY did I do this to myself, and everyone else? I deny all feeling for anyone A LOT.  I put it down to my father leaving when I was nine.  I put everything down to my father leaving when I was nine.  I can't help it, he's an easy target.
"Don't lie to me then Poppy."
"My name is Kara!" I snapped. Oh goodness. I was going into full on protective mode, all barriers up, all targets eliminated.
"Okay. Kara. Can you leave now please, send Poppy in if you find her.  She's my best friend.  About 5"9, brown hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes, and she is the nicest person I know."
"Nath-"
"No Kara, just go, please, nowish?"  He said, turning his head away from me. And I did it, I left.  I left.  If collapsing in tears outside his room counts? I sat there for ages crying, about ten nurses asked if I was okay or if I needed help for a drug abuse problem.  The latter was only asked after I told them the story.  I hate people who think you can be in love just because you're fifteen, because I was. I was in love. And I was stupid enough to not find out until then.