Of it, Of me, Of this

There you are
Sitting, talking,
Speaking as if you know, know something everyone else needs to know
Has to know
Must know

and I wait
waiting for the time, time and energy to return to me
time I have given, depth I have shared
waiting, pondering why I did this
again

I thought we were both there, both one
both combined
Come
Explore
of it, of me, of this.
Your turn! 

So I wait…

Then I think—fuck this waiting

I am a me, a me who needs no things returned,
If I give—I give generously.  Giving is nothing with expectancy
Then it is trade
And who said we were trading

You, who trade with all and every and none
You do not trade, you are selling with those, your eyes, that lilt in your voice
With a shuffle and a ditty and a hat held out
You are dancing and jumping and twirling and performing and taking
and leaving nothing to the imagination-
Except everything

False intimacies to win over the audience you desire.
And I am the sucker who gave 5 bucks
expecting Godot and got Moriarty
I am the woman of the present to get you the girl of the imaginary,
who will get you the girl
who will support the show
who is too young to want more, too simple to understand cycles,
too insignificant to know she is not part of the act, only the audience

And now, I am not waiting,
No waiting, no giving, no trading, no buying
You tire me,

I'd shiver after we talked
I thought it was ah ha, a truth, a desirous force
It was something less.
It was You -breaking my femur
and sucking the marrow,
and nibbling on the edges to smooth the bone shards.
That shivering tickle was from your parasitic attachment
to my soul.

Not from your embracing
of it
of me
of this

No reason to waste more time with yours
I have seen it before, a rerun to nth degree—
It was just wrapped in blinding colors and a brand new bow
Tearing off the paper took time and energy and focus
the diversion I needed,
was apropos to my state of mind
Enjoyed while it lasted,
not too bad for a penny dance and an old hat

I woke up my half starved brain and
regrouped, refocused

I remember now.
Questions! I love questions
questions
Of it
Of me
Of this

I am the show and I love the audience
and I know what everyone else needs to know
Has to know
Must know

I was waiting for me and now here and ready and excited and thrilled and wow

Now, on with my show
Of it
Of me
Of this.