Mr. Faeh's Basement

Mr. Faeh’s Basement

There lives a man named Paul Faeh who teaches European and American history. It is widely known that he possesses a time machine powered by his own historical knowledge, which makes it very powerful. With this machine, he has traveled through time only to kidnap various historical figures and keeps them in assorted locations, one of which is his basement after he gives them nametags that say “hello, my name is” followed by a name. The disappearance of these figures has obviously created numerous parallel universes that exist beyond ours. However, things can get a little restless in Faeh’s basement. On one occasion when Faeh returned from the store, an epic adventure began.
“Put that stupid spear down, Willie.” “I’ll shake this spear however I please lest you proceed to obtain such wretched and tasteless grains.” “I brought you Frosted Flakes last week, relax. Cheerios are fine.” “T’is like the unadorned provisions of a prisoner.” “Well, then put some sugar on it or get a job.” “You, Jack. I cannot find employment as thee keeps me retained in thou cellar.” Mr. Faeh returned upstairs after distributing various food items including cake and wine laced with cyanide, crepes, bland cereal, and several boxes of triscuits. “Alas, these blunderous conditions are that of coil, for I cannot witness any future boards of chess to be played between Sun Tzu and Hitler, shooting Rasputin bores me, and Isaac’s assay at constructing a paper machine of flight  procures headaches.” “Right you are, Will. Us Englishmen know that we cannot allow ourselves to be ruled like such. This ‘Faeh’ and his giant notebooks are a disease, and a desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy.” “Tis well-liking that you agnise Guido, but what of you Mr. Jones?” “I’m with you. Those who cannot risk will not win.” “And of you Isaac?” “I must get out of here. This man has fictional pictures of flying devices and gravity-defying machines. He has no respect for my laws of physics.” “Good man, forsooth you speak. We shall journey to seek what justice will bring from employing Faeh’s time machine.”
“Who shall doest the thought of plotting?” “知己知彼, 百戰百勝.” “Speaketh thou English, you fool!” “Fine then, if you know both yourself and your enemy, you will come out of one hundred battles with one hundred victories. We must study this odd world of which we have been placed and know of it before we strategically attack.” “Thy knowledge of war is shown by your victories of chess.” “No, Hitler is just a terrible chess player. He divides his pieces and fights weakly from three positions.” “So be it. What of your knowence of this world, Isaac?” “I have read periodicals he has used to wrap my rations of fig newtons, steamed broccoli, and certain foods produced by a clown farmer, both of which have produced gases comparable to that of which only Adolph would employ. I have read of things such as nuclear fusion and devices that enable this to occur. Elements are used from the periodic table of elements, which I suspect to be some sort of magical table.” “A magical table?!” “Yes, Jones a magical table, one that is only visible periodically and consists of numerous elements. A nuclear reaction causes these elements to fuse together and create enormous energies we couldn’t possibly fathom. The first reaction similar to this, a fission reaction about which I know little, occured first at a university, the University of Chicago.” “Perchance you know of this school, Isaac.” “I know it’s in Chicago and that the founder was an incredible entrepenuer, a captain of industry and such.. Anyway, Faeh’s time machine, which he conveniently keeps down here, has a lock that must be removed in order for us to access it. Unfortunately, none of us are lockesmiths.  However, if we could somehow harness this fusion power, we could fuse together John Locke and Adam Smith and they could become a LockeSmith.” “Locke, Smith? What of you, shall you oblige?” “It is not only our right, but our obligation to evade this tyrant.” “So be it. One day hence on the hour, on November fifth, Fawkes, Isaac, Jones, and I shall wend unto the University to find such fusion power.”
         The next morning, four of the most brilliant minds of all time set forth on an epic journey to find the University of Chicago. Their voyage began by simply leaving the basement as the doors were conveniently unlocked. John Paul Jones proposes an explanation to why they are unlocked. “I suspect Faeh’s dealings with pirates last night was stressful to keep him from sleep. His dreary state caused him to forget to secure us.” “Superb discourse you have, Jones. We shall take arms against a sea of troubles. We shall be.” The four head up the stairs and arrive at the back door. As they open one door, they are startled. “’Tis another door” “Yes, Will, that is apparent. Why must there be another door? There are two. We should blow it up.” “Last time you tried to blow something up, it didn’t work very well, but why in the name of the Bonhomme Richard would he have two doors? It is quite uncertain.” “Alas, this question of two doors belies our aim. Let us go.” As they leave, Jones makes an observation while looking in a recycling bin. “Ah yes, you see, an artifact from a pirate. It appears a certain Captain Morgan was at Faeh’s house.” “Mr. Morgan henceforth hath my affection for impairing Faeh.” After a frightening three mile walk for “League Elite,”  they arrived at a school where students meet.
         What was believed by the group to be the University of Chicago was really a public high school in the suburbs. “Ah yes, we have arrived. Let knowledge grow from more to more, and so be human life enriched.” They were surprised that most of the doors were open, and they entered the building. They split up in an attempt to find the fusion laboratory. Fawkes comes across a classroom with a sign on the door “AP Econ.” He listens in on what the teacher is saying. “The natural laws of the economy, or the invisible hand governs the economy most efficiently and provides the optimal level of freedom to a nation’s citizens.” Fawkes was about to run into the classroom and exclaim his appreciation for what the teacher said when Jones came up to stop him. “Don’t blow our cover, you Brit! Will found the laboratory, and he is going crazy. Let’s get the device, so we can get out of here; I am tired of seeing what has happened to this once free country.” They go to the “laboratory” and inside is Isaac pointing at a heavy box with Will next to him. A woman with a hairnet on says to another, “I forgot to cook these burritos; I’ll just nuke them.” She then throws the burritos in the microwave. Isaac then says “Will, tis the device. Who shall apprehend it?” “I shall.” “You shall Will?” Yes I said I will yes. I shall put an antic disposition on and she shall hand over the device from fright.” “I pray your transformation works,” said Fawkes. “Who are you?” yelled the female ‘scientist’ while Will went for the box. Will said while looking at her nametag, “Molly, please aside you shall move, for I am William Shakespeare, I have been kidnapped by a man who deals with pirates, and so I need this ‘Nuclear’ devise so I can unlock a time machine and return myself and others to our correct eras of time. I despise Faeh’s cereal!” As Shakespeare begins to take his clothes off, the shocked lunch lady stepped aside, scared from the strange man. After they took the box, they ran out of the place, and to Faeh’s house with exuberant haste.
         “Quick, Isaac, activate the device!” Isaac then proceeds to insert the prongs to the like shaped holes in the wall. “Look at this. It is Faeh’s dealings with the pirates,” said Locke as he brought out a crate of captain Morgan’s Rum. “Perhaps that is the fuel for this fusion devise” said Isaac. The group then put all of the bottles into the box and Will had Locke and Smith stand on it in an attempt to fuse the two together. Before they could activate the machine, Faeh walks in and proclaims, “No, Don’t nuke the rum!” “You shall return us to our place where we belong, for you, a man of history, have wrought destruction upon your passion.” “I can’t bring you all back; I worked so hard to find you guys.” “There are more of us than just Fawkes. A knavish speech sleeps in a foolish ear. You shall return us all.” “Let me keep one.” “Fine, you can keep Gregory.” As the group crowded in the machine and justice about to be restored on that fifth of November, Will uttered one last word. “Farwell, Faeh, and with your newly acquired fusion devise, I pray thou shall give thyself relief if thou nukest every burrito as if it were thy last.” Faeh will surely remember that fifth of November, Gregory, Guido, and Locke, there will be of no reason why “League Elite’s” freedom shall ever be forgot.