Women of Character

          “So this is it.” I exclaimed.

         “Yeah.” My friend Jack replied while laughing.

         We were both nervous. We came here at his request, and, I do admit, my own morbid curiosity. We were 40 miles from home, north bound. The deal was good. He would pay for gas and drinks and I would drive. My car was better on gas anyway, a plus in $3.00/gallon days. He somehow found out about this place, perhaps I even told him about it. We were never at a place like this before. Nothing around like this where we live. You see, Club X is a gay club. I can practically relive the entire night in my head.

         We finally cooled our nerves enough to walk in, but tried to go in the wrong doors. There were two sets of glass doors. We went in and to the right where the steps down into an intriguing world which I was not accustomed to. This was how the other half lived.

         We went to the bar and got some drinks. We must have been early, only five or six people were at the bar. I don’t think there was anybody else there yet. Peaceful and relaxed, probably not what I expected, but then, I really didn’t know what to expect. The one guy looked like some kind of refugee from the disco generation. Open chest shirt, big collar, Tony Monero thirty years too late, but I could dig it. There was also a young, short-haired woman I would later get to know.

         An hour or so later, the place was getting packed, and they kept coming in. We ordered some more drinks and some hot wings. By then I had already struck up a conversation with the girl sitting at the bar. Her name was Valerie and she was a student at the local college. I think she was a junior and was in some kind of building trades or construction or something. She’d just gotten back from Mississippi or someplace after working with Habitat for Humanity. She was funding her college education with a settlement she’d received from a car accident. She kept trying to talk us into buying more food, but we declined.

         Instead, we played pool, us two against her. The place had a beautiful purple felt pool table. Jack liked it.

         “I want a pool table,” he said. “I’m going to build one.” He couldn’t afford to buy one. He could barely afford the gas to come here, and I drive a four cylinder VW.

         “You can’t build a pool table, you idiot,” I replied. “It’d be crooked.” I knew he’d try it anyway. We finished our game, which we’d won, and Jack played against another woman of oriental decent and very much a lesbian. She was a very good pool player, a shark, I would say. She kicked Jack’s ass. Good thing we weren’t playing for money. We watched her play about three more games.

         Valerie went off to chat with some friends of hers and Jack and I sat at a table next to the restroom because it was the only one we could find. We drank and shot the breeze and someone walked into the restroom. Jack must have caught a glimpse while the door was open.

         “Wow, Man.” he said, laughing.

         “What?” I asked.

         “Man, some guy was in there going down on some other guy.” he said.

         “No way!” I exclaimed.

         “Yes, way!” he replied.

         “Cool,” I said. “I want to see.” By the time I turned around, they had already stopped. Oh, what a shame! “Intriguing.”

         “Indeed.” replied Jack. A few more minutes went by. “Wow, Man.”

         “Not again.” I said. “Are you serious?”

         “Yeah. If I see one more guy get a knobber, I don’t know what I’m going to do.” We went back to the bar and Valerie crawled out of the woodwork to join us. “Let’s try a Three Wise men, Bobby.”

         “Okay.” I replied.

         “I want one too!” Valerie said. We were both trying to discourage her because it’s a strong triple shot, and we didn’t think she could handle it. Finally, Jack gave in and bought her one. It seemed to go down with ease. We eventually worked our way back to the forbidden table. Some younger guy walked in and ventured up to us real slow. He was dressed in NASCAR gear. He was really not in his own element, but then again, neither were we, and he must have sensed it.

         “So,” he said, “what goes on here?”

         I replied, “Not sure, we’ve never been here before.”

         “I was just passing through,” he said, “and thought I’d stop in. I’m from upstate.” He disappeared into the crowd and we didn’t see him the rest of the night.

         “Just passing through?” I said to Jack. “Yeah, right. He knew exactly what it was. Of all the bars in this town, he just happened to venture into this one? I don’t think so.” Jack agreed. That boy was curious about something. My guess is he wasn’t curious enough. He must have gotten cold feet. Not long after he disappeared, two beautiful young ladies walk in dressed to kill, with lovely long white dresses. That kind of class and sophistication you don’t see much of anymore. “Look, Jack, over there.”

         “Nice.” he replied. Bear in mind Jack wasn’t there to pick up or even look at women. He wanted the forbidden fruit. I couldn’t keep my eyes off them, especially the blonde one. One was blonde, the other had crimped black hair. Both were tall and slender, very stylish.

         I went up to the bar for our refills and apparently Valerie was running amuck around the place. The owner actually came out and told the bartender to cut her off. I guess the Three Wisemen caught up with her. It was bound to happen. She was just a small, petite little thing. I went back to the table and told Jack. He got a kick out of it. He recognized an old friend and went to say hello. I couldn’t get my mind off the hot blonde. Jack came back all excited because his friend had another friend who was Australian. Jack loved that accent. He went back to try to win him over, and Valerie came back to sit with me.

         “I’m hungry.” she said.

         “Oh, really? Well, maybe we’ll go out to breakfast later.” I replied.

         “I go all out for a meal, if you know what I mean.”

         “Really?” I said. “I didn’t think you were into men.”

         “Well, I was engaged once.” she replied.

         “So was I,” I said, “but it was a huge mistake.”

         “Same here.” she answered. I could tell she was plastered.

         “I don’t think you’ll make it that long for breakfast. You’re too far gone.”

         “I’ll be alright.” she said, and stumbled off.

         Jack came back a bit later looking all gloomy. “What’s the deal?” I asked.

         “There’s no chance with the Australia dude.”

         “Why?”

         “He’s too up on himself.”

         “A prep?” I asked.

         “Yeah, and then some.” replied Jack.

         “The lesbian says she wants to bang me for a meal.”

         “What?” he asked.

         “Yeah, I don’t know if she’s bi, or just a mooch.”

         “Probably both.” he said.

         “Indeed.” I replied. “Just my luck.”

         “What?”

         “I go to a gay bar and get hit on by women.”

         “Ha!” said Jack. “That’s funny.”

         “I think they know I’m not gay.”

         “You don’t put off that aura.” he said.

         “It’s all good.” I replied. “That guy that came in earlier must have know that too, since he came to our table.”

         “Where is he anyway?” asked Jack.

         “He already took off. Must have gotten cold feet.” I replied.

         Jack laughed and agreed. “Hey, Bobby!”

         “What?”

         “Your woman’s coming this way.” It was the blonde. She was coming to use the restroom. The male and female restrooms were both joined by a small lobby inside the door. Someone else walked in to use the loo, and Jack sat with an odd disillusioned look on his face. “Man, I don’t know if I should tell you this.”

         “What!” I demanded.

         “Well, I just saw your dream date getting a knobber in the bathroom. She’s got a penis bigger than mine.”

         “Get out!” I said.

         “Yeah,” he replied.

         “She’s a dude?” I asked.

         “Looks that way,” he said, laughing.

         “Shut up, dickhead,” I exclaimed. “Can’t you see I’m in misery? I might as well go bang the lesbian.” After that little fiasco, my heart still torn in two, we noticed everyone drifting to the dance floor at the other side of the club. We did the same. We stepped through the glass doors. It was wild, but neither one of us were dancers, so we just stood by the door, drinking our drinks. We noticed a lot of people had bottled water. I said to Jack, “Look, the water bottles say ‘Club X’, this place has its own brand of water.”

         “Neat.” said Jack. Knowing I was shy in this environment, Jack said, “I’ll give you $20 to go out there and dance for half an hour.”

         “No way.” I said.

         “Come on, man. A $20 bill.”

         “No, I’m not doing it.”

         “Come on.”

         “No.”

         “You’re no fun.”

         “Why don’t you save yourself $20 and go dance yourself.”

         “No, I don’t dance.” he said.

         “Well, neither do I, so up yours.”

         “That’ll be later,” he said laughing.

         “I’m good on that,” I said, “and apparently so is the Aussie.”

         “Ha! Screw you, Bobby.”

         “I said I’m good on that.” I replied. I couldn’t help but to notice and to point out to Jack one guy at the bar stroking another guy’s ass crack with a finger, real deep like. “Look, Jack.” We both got a quick chuckle. I couldn’t stop staring. ‘My God,’ I thought, ‘Am I attracted to this? Time to look away.’ All of a sudden, everyone on the dance floor took their water bottles and started splashing everyone else. Shirts were coming off. “What’s going on here?” I asked Jack at the same time as he asked me.

         “This is definitely strange and erotic.” Jack said.

         “Indeed.” I replied. As soon as it started, it stopped, marking the end of the night and everyone began to leave. We walked back out through the glass doors and ran into Valerie, who was staggering around completely shit-faced by now.

         “So how about breakfast?” she asked.

         “No, you are too far gone.” I told her.

         “Oh, come on,” she persisted.

         “I think not.” I said.

         “Ok, well, how about walking me home to my dorm?” she asked.

         “Ok,” I said. “We can do that.”

         Jack tugged on my coat as we left and said, “I’m not walking her through town.”

         “Oh, come on, I‘d feel guilty if she got hit by a car or something.” I insisted.

         “No. I don’t know my way around here.”

         “Well, I do, so don’t worry.”

         Apparently, Jack was starting to feel inebriated. He was like that, as soon as he would stop drinking, it would finally kick in. Strange. We left and began walking. He was bugging me the entire time and his intoxication was getting worse. He was in front of me, and Valerie was in front of him. He was worse than her at that point. He could hardly stand up at all, let alone walk.

         “Oh, shit, is that a cop, Bobby?”

         “Yeah,” I said. “Just shut up and walk straight.” I had to prop him up at this point by holding onto his arms.

         “I’ll never forgive you for this, Bobby,” he babbled, “dragging me all over this town I don’t even know, and don’t forget, paybacks are a bitch.”

         “Just shut up and walk straight.” I said again. The cop just breezed on by. “Close one.” I said, thinking to myself the whole time that I would be guilty by association for walking with these two sloshes. “Hey, look, Jack, we’re walking by the courthouse now. How convenient!”

         “Man, don’t even joke about that.” he said.

         I laughed. “Man, how far is it to the college?” I asked.

         “We’re almost there.” Valerie said.

         I wasn’t all that familiar with this section of town as I thought I was. Jack still wanted to ditch her and go back to the car, but we were finally there. We walked across the campus, and Valerie said she had to call a friend because she forgot her dorm hall key card. Her friend showed up, a twenty year old local girl, to let us in. I think she was a sophomore, I’m not sure though. We ventured in the dorm hall doors, past all the barely legal or not at all legal drunks drinking beer, past all the empty beer cartons in the trash, up two flights of steps, and finally, at the end of a long hallway, into her dorm room. ‘I’m not about to do anything with this chick. She’s too shitfaced,’ I thought to myself. We could’ve left then, but she invited us in, and I didn’t want to be rude.

         We went into a fairly nice room, and I asked Valerie if her roommate would throw a fit about us being there. She said she didn’t have a roommate. I don’t remember why not, and I might not have asked. I thought it was odd, but neat, not to have a roommate bugging you. There was a bunk bed, a chair, which she and a girlfriend were on. She was sitting on the girlfriend’s lap. There was a couch or futon of some sort, which Jack and I flopped on. Not too much stuff, but what there was was cluttered. We shot the breeze a bit. Jack and I each made a few trips to the restroom, which looked to be fitted for a handicapped person. I didn’t ask about that.

         At some point, soon after we showed up, she whispered something to her friend, from what I could hear, not to leave her alone. That was weird. Maybe she was starting to realize she had strange guys in her room. Even more importantly, I didn’t wan her getting the wrong idea, and if the girlfriend left before I did, I didn’t want us getting accused of anything. I had no intention of raping a lesbian, or any woman for that matter. So I looked at Jack, who was not even able to sit upright at this point and said, “Well, I think it’s time to go.”

         I gathered him up and we left, but not before Valerie said one last time, “Hey, you still owe me breakfast.”

         I replied, ‘Okay, next time when you’re a bit more sober.” I never did take her out to breakfast. Back down the steps and through the drunken insanity, we stepped out of the dorm and walked back to the car.

         “Finally!” Jack said. “All I want to do is go to the car and go home.”

         We got back across town to the car and I said, “So, Jack. Same time next week?”

         He replied, “Indeed.” But that wasn’t to be. I think we each went back once more, separately, out of boredom. I don’t know what he did while he was there, but when I was there, I got bored and left after like two drinks. So, as I now recap these events of a year or so ago, I think what was the climax? The she-man? The petite lesbian getting cut off by the bar owner? The water battle? Or was the whole night the climax? From the anticipation of getting there, to the bittersweet retreat of this debauchery filled evening? What is the moral of the story? What life lessons have been learned here? My guess would be these two things: Never judge a book by its cover, and, if you’re straight, don’t go to a gay bar to pick up woman!