The World Shall Taste my Eggs

Foreword:
This way ->

Prologue (of sorts):
Due to the fact that I can say whatever I want, I shall take this oppurtunity to list some of the best DDR songs;
1998, Absolute, Boom Boom Dollar, Hysteria, Be lovin, Make a Difference, Speed over Beethoven, Burning Heat, Drop the Bomb, Candy, Can't Stop Falling in Love, Dub I Dub, Fantasy, Nori Nori Nori, Moonlight Shadow, I Do I Do I Do, Midnight Blaze, Kiss Kiss Kiss, Shooting Star, Sandstorm, Tsugaru, Still in my Heart, Will I, We're in Heaven, Dynamite Rave, Un Deux Trois, and Daikenkai.

I stood atop my battle mech firing my dual magic gunblade nuncaku at the oncoming horde of lawmonkeys. But thats getting ahead of myself. (you don't get to hear the exiting part until the end). It all started one not-so-dark and not-so-stormy day. Me and my friend (conventional grammar rules be damned!) Atticus were in the study hall discussing verious school related topics.
"Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start does what now?" I inquired.
"It unlocks Jesus in Metal Gear Solid." Atticus Replied.
"The hell it does." I said.
"Try it." He Retorted.
"That's what she said." I Responded.
"I will cut you." He said

Soon afterwards, a supervisor interrupted our conversation to tell us that we should be doing our homework. We agreed, and then a discussion on the ways in which Super Smash Brothers represents comunist Russia. 5 minutes before it was due, I began looking for pictures for my powerpoint project. I found the picture Scream and copied it to my flash drive. It was here that my story begins. (Note; at this point, the screen would fade out and there would be a little opening cutscene with tons of action, drama, and foreshadowing. However, we're already overbudget and the story is only about 10% complete (I spent most of the money advanced to me on DDR)) At this point a ninja immediately bursts in and places me under arrest.
"What charges?" I Demanded
"Illegally downloading images off of Google." Replied the ninja
"...What?"
"You downloaded 'Starry Night'," He said, gesturing towards "Scream", "Without paying for it. Beethoven worked hard on that book and your denying him and his descendants profits by downloading it."
"...I-I don't even know where to begin correcting you."
"I'll ask the questions around here."
"...That wasn't a question."
"Wasn't it? Wasn't it?"
"No."

This went on for several more pages before I was finally taken to jail. My cellmate was a large and bald man.
"What'd you grt arrested for?" I asked.
"Killed a single mother in front of her children," He answered, "What about you?"
".........uh... same thing..."
(Note: The following few days have been determined too graphic to be included in this story (Think about that for a second. They were too graphic for a story written by me.), so I will instead have an excerpt from Mr. Poppers Penguins:
"Gork?" He inquired, turning to slant his head wisely at Mrs. Popper, and looking at her pleadingly with his right eye.
"He certainly is cute," she said. "I guess I'll have to forgive him for biting my ankle. He probably only did it out of curiosity. Anyway, he's a nice clean-looking bird.") Stuffed with bacon.

But on the twelth day of Chrismas, somthing interesting happened. Atticus managed to send me my battle mech by baking it into a cake, putting the cake in a freighter ship, loading the ship into a battle mech, and delivering the battle mech to me in jail. I quickly used my battle mech to escape from jail (which, in retrospect, may have been a bad idea given that I had 8 hours left to serve.). The lawmonkeys, of course, gave chase. Luckily I was carrying my dual magic gunblade nunchaku with me at the time (Which I had inexplicably obtained despite my 6 month incarceration). Anyways, I stood atop my battle mech... and was abducted by aliens (Bet you thought the climax/resolution was coming up, haha!). The abduction and interaction was relatively boring compared to the normal stories you hear, so I'm going to spend the next few sentences ranting about why The Things They Carried sucks.

First of all, it tries to screw with your head. Now, don't get me wrong (in fact, don't get me at all. Freakin' pervert.), I like when thing try to mess with your head, but it sucks at it. For example, he'll say that Jimmy is nonexistant, then in the next fucking paragraph, he launches into a massive story about how Jimmy shot himself because they were out of cat food and he didn't feel like walking to the store. Then he has the freaking audacity to say some dumbass thing like "does it matter if its real or not?" YES IT FUCKING MATTERS! Once we've established that Jimmy is a figment of Tim O'Briens horribly befucked mind, we lose all interest in Jimmy's affairs. Now granted, fictional books all have nonexistant characters, but they at least exist within the confines of there own freaking story. Secondly, He's always going off on some nonsensical tangent (thats my job). And finally, he constantly spews self-righteous crap about things like being a coward for going to war. And lets not forget about the new words you learn from it. Personally, I think he just cobbled together a bunch of paraphrased fortune cookies, then filled it in with a conjectured plot based on the ramblings of some hobo with dementia, then just let people find there own symbolism and profoundn... profounditude and just agreed with whatever people said. I can just imagine him at a book signing:
Fan (as in desktop, since the book shouldn't have any supporters): "So on page 42, where you say 'I wish I had some eggs right now,' thats actually symbolic of how the world is too focused on war, right?"
O'Brien: "Actually that's the reason why I shouldn't have written the book at 6 AM in ..... I mean yes, thats exactly it!"
Fan (Cieling): "but you told me it represented the holocaust."
O'Brien "The important thing is your both right."
Both fans: "Ooooooh. Hes such a genius!"

Crap. It appears that my ranting got a little too enthusiastic (and long). Well, it was totally justified, but in any case, I ranted clean through the majority of the story. But we now join our regularly scheduled sins against nature already in progress.

Me "C'mon, when have I ever let you down?"
Atticus "Well there was the time with the zombies."
Me "Oh for the love of... I can't believe your still bitching about that."
Atticus "You threw me into a pit of fetid, rotting undead!"
Me "Yeah, and you were being a bitch about it then too. 'The zombies are devouring my arm. Oh dear god, my face.' whine whine whine. I saved you didn't I?"
Atticus "Yes, but you killed my puppy in doing so."
Me "No one cares about puppies."
Atticus "Then you shot me despite the fact that I was clearly not a zombie."
Me "I apoligized for that."
Atticus "And you kicked my cat."
Me "If you EVER accuse me of that again, so help me Bob I will drop you where you stand!!!"

After this (relatively) calm exchange of dialogue, Atticus agreed to the plan and we managed to defeat the evil force that was threatening the world. We went home and ate ramen and all was good (Note: at this point, there would be a 5 second clip starting with "The End" on screen, then some kind of hint that the evil force is still alive, and finally a question mark would appear, but we are currently $452,000 over-budget (about $469,800 of the budget was spent on pocky and DDR) so just imagine it.).

END ......?