Amusing Random Thoughts II

George Bush

Here's where George Bush lost me. He referred to the governments of Iran, Iraq, and Korea as the 'Axis of Evil'. First of all, the only reason to come up with a term like that is to dehumanize a group of people, which is profoundly disturbing. 99 percent of the people in those countries are good people, who really have nothing to do with the government 'per se'. It's like calling me a Nazi because my heritage is German. The phrase 'Axis of Evil' is pure rhetoric, aimed at scaring people, instead of a rational discussion of a real problem.

But what's even more disturbing is the cartoon-like nature of the phrase 'Axis of Evil'. The only parallel I can come up with is the 'Legion of Doom' from the old Superfriends cartoon. By inference, does Bush think he's a member of the fricking Justice League? Because the only cartoon character I can come up with that fits is Clumsy Smurf.


The Justice League of America

Speaking of the Justice League – I never understood that show. Let's face it, Superman is almost as fast as the Flash, almost as strong as the Hulk, can fly, and is invulnerable. Why join a super-hero group if you're Superman? They should have called that show 'Superman and his Kryptonite Bitches'. Every episode had a villain with some Kryptonite, the bitches go and get the kryptonite, and then Superman does his thing.


A sample show:

Batman: "Hey, Supes, there's a planet sized monster trying to eat the earth. You're invulnerable, and I have a Bat-a-rang…"

Superman: "Does he have Kryptonite?"

Green Lantern: "Uh… no?"

Superman: "I think I got this one… you guys can go wash Wonder Woman's invisible jet or something."

Robin: "Holy Batshit Fatman!… I mean uh… "

Batman: "Wait up Supes… I think the young boy I force to wear tights and follow me around is saying there IS kryptonite!"

Superman: "Oh… so… how good ARE you with that Bat-a-rang?"


Also, here's my vote for kicking out the Green Lantern out of the Justice League. Superman had Lex Luthor as his nemesis, Batman had the Joker.

The Green Lantern had… wait for it… THE COLOR YELLOW!

If one of your arch-nemeses is the color yellow, I'm thinking any evil toddler with a box of 64 crayons can kick your ass. Green Lantern needs to go, and for that matter, don't forget to take the Wonder-Twins with you on the way out.


My Heritage

I'm half German and half Irish. This might help explain why I get drunk every Friday and try to invade Poland looking for potatoes.


Polish Roulette

I've just come up with a new game, which I've dubbed 'Polish Roulette'. It's just like Russian roulette, but it's played with bows and arrows – five bows unloaded, and one loaded.


Mornings

Is it possible to be allergic to morning?


Jim Morrison "woke up this morning and got myself a beer."

The guy who wrote the Soprano's theme "Woke up this morning and I got myself a gun."

Peter Frampton "woke up this morning, with a wine glass in my hand…"


I know Morrison is dead, but is there any chance we can get these 3 to start a Bed and Breakfast?

Talk about not being 'morning people'.


God

I once heard humor defined as 'A surprise reaction to something that is not dangerous to you personally'. If there's a God, I'm thinking this might be the reason he created people and 'Free Will'. Being omniscient, without the concept of 'Free Will', God already knows what's going to happen ahead of time. Therefore there is no surprise, and therefore no humor.

I like the idea that there is a God who created us, with Free Will, specifically so he could start laughing at us.

If that's the case, I like to think we were his second attempt, and the 'platypus' was his first attempt.


Another thought:

What if Darwin was actually the real Son of God? If that's true, I'm guessing he's at the right hand of The Father laughing his ass off…


Platypi

When I was about 10, I thought the funniest concept in the world was a platypus with diarrhea. I even wrote a short skit about it back then:



A camera is focused on 3 guys talking at an average looking bar.


Guy 1 says emphatically: "I don't care how you say it – You CANNOT put the words diarrhea and platypus in the same sentence without being funny!"


The camera pans slowly to the right, revealing a man in a platypus outfit, holding his stomach and groaning loudly.


Platypus (while still groaning, in a Jackie Mason' Jewish accent): "It's not funny to me! OY…."



Now that I'm older, I feel my sense of humor has become more refined and sophisticated.


Now I think the funniest concept in the world is a Narcoleptic with Tourette's.


Odd songs to hear Back to Back

While writing these 'Random Thoughts', I heard Britney Spears 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' followed by Matchbox 20's 'I Wanna Push You Around' on my internet radio. Anybody want to play match-maker?


Next Song

The next song on the I-radio was Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal". I'm a reasonably smart guy, and I may have just put together something about the song no one else has realized before:


THERE MAY BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ANNIE!


I like to think Michael Jackson wrote the lyrics to this song prior to the music. I can imagine him, notebook in hand, thinking to himself:

"I'm sorry, I don't think they'll get it if I write 'Annie are you OK?' 300 times in a row. It needs to be stronger - 302 times at least…"


Reality TV

I've decided I want to get on a reality TV show. I think I've figured out a way to get by the censors. I'm going to swear, but in a rhythm that spells "F_U_C_K" in morse code.

Beep out my cursing will you!

I wonder if the stalking incidents have gone down since the Reality TV boom. Sure, I've always meant to stalk someone, but I'm pretty damned lazy. Stalking is work… I'll just turn on 'Rock of Love'!