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Rated: GC · Column · Comedy · #1381634
An adult version of Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time eighteen year-old Little Red Riding Hood was at home in her mother's cottage on the edge of the big wood. She was bored because it was the school holidays, so she was passing the time by pleasuring herself with a rolling pin. Suddenly her mother burst into her room.

"Where the fuck is my rolling pin. These gingerbread men aren't going to roll themselves out you know."

Reluctantly Little Red Riding Hood handed it over.

"For Christ's sake!" said her mother, taking the greased rolling pin between thumb and forefinger, "you've got to get out of the fucking house."

Little Red Riding Hood stared moodily at the floor.

"Why don't you wait until I've finished these gingerbread men and then take some to your grandmother?"

"Aw, Mum!" said Little Red Riding Hood petulantly, "that's miles away. Can I take the car?"

"No you fucking can't!" said her mother "gas is over three dollars and you know I can't afford it since your father ran off with that cleaner we hired, that Cinderella bitch. You can walk. There's a perfectly good path through the wood and it will do you good. It'll keep your mind off dirty thoughts and self-pleasure too, you filthy girl."

So Little Red Riding Hood got dressed up in her best clothes and took a basket of gingerbread, fresh from the oven. As she walked out of the cottage her mother shouted "And I don't want to catch you wanking off the wooden boy from next door again. Do you understand?"

Little Red Riding Hood casually flipped off her mother and started down the path to her grandmother's cottage in the middle of the big wood. As she walked, the trees seemed to close in around her. The cheerful chirp of birds died down slowly and the sun began to shine less brightly. "Fucking weather" she thought to herself, "if it starts to rain I'm going home, and granny can stuff her bastard gingerbread right up her wrinkly arse."

However, unbeknownst to Little Red Riding Hood, a large wolf was watching her progress down the path. He licked his lips as he peeked out at her from behind a tree. "Fucking tits on that!" he muttered to himself "What I wouldn't give to bang the arse off her!" And he reached down to give his hairy wolf-cock a squeeze. As Little Red Riding Hood walked on, the wolf followed carefully behind, hiding in the trees. He couldn't afford to be seen, not since that nasty business with the little pig girl. God, the fuss that had caused in the village!

Eventually Little Red Riding Hood stopped and sat down. The wolf sidled out from the trees and strolled casually up. "Hello little girl. What a fine day it is! And where would you be going on such a beautiful day?"

"I'm taking this gingergread to my grandmother's cottage in the middle of the wood." replied Little Red Riding Hood, not failing to notice the impressive vulpine dick hanging between the wolf's back legs.

"That's a wonderful thing. So kind. I do like to see young people taking an interest in looking after their elders" he fawned, gazing unsubtlely at Little Red Riding Hood's pert nipples, clearly visible through her shirt. He felt himself begin to harden. "Well, I'd better be getting on" he added quickly, turning back towards the trees before the "lipstick" began to show. "Maybe see you around" he called back over his shoulder.

Eventually Little Red Riding Hood resumed her walk and, not thirty minutes later, arrived at her grandmother's cottage. She knocked on the door. "Come in" came a shrill voice from inside, and she opened the door and walked in.

"It's so dark in here grandmother" said Little Red Riding Hood.
"I know" came the reply "but I've had the electric cut off again, and I haven't been able to get to the bank, what with my piles and all."

Little Red Riding Hood approached the bed. "My, what a big nose you have grandmother!" she exclaimed. "All the better to smell you with" her grandmother replied "and you smell pretty damn good to me."

"And what big eyes you have!" said Little Red Riding Hood. "All the better to see those tits of yours" came the reply. "Oh shit" thought Little Red Riding Hood, "granny's off her meds again." She stepped closer to the bed. "And what big teeth you have!" she cried. "All the better to eat you with!" called her grandmother. And she jumped out of the bed, revealing herself to be the wolf dressed in her grandmother's nighdress.

"Fucking hell!" said Little Red Riding Hood "what did you do with granny?"
"She's at the bingo" said the wolf "it's pension day - the bitch won't be back for hours."
"Really?" said Little Red Riding Hood, licking her lips "I think you said something about eating me. Well let's see what you can do." And she lay back on the bed and slipped off her panties, inviting the wolf to bury his snout in her moist snatch. Well, the wolf was up to the task and very soon he had Little Red Riding Hood at the point of no return. She screamed out at the top of her voice, gripping the wolf by his ears as she came. Then, as she lay back on the pillow, contemplating his massive erect hairy wolf-pole, the door to the cottage burst open and a woodcutter leapt in with a large axe and decapitated the wolf with a single stroke.

"What the fuck!" she exclaimed, jumping up and smoothing down her dress "what did you do that for?"
"I heard your screams" he replied "and came to help."
"Are you shitting me? Do I look like I need help?"
"Well I'm sorry" said the woodcutter "but it's only a wolf - what's the big deal?"
"What's the big deal?" said Little Red Riding Hood, picking up the wolf's severed head from the floor "Do you see this tongue? All the better to lick me with. Now fuck off and play with your chopper somewhere else. Dumb motherfucker."

And Little Red Riding Hood picked up her basket of gingerbread and stomped out of the cottage.



Copyright 2007 Edward Bison

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