This Boys Life

In short this work explains the puzzle that is me. The puzzle has many pieces some fit nicely into others and start to unfold into a beautiful picture, but with everything in life you need a counter to that beauty, to that unity. You need something there to keep you human. No love without hate, no beauty without ugliness, no sunshine without the rain. And its this cracked, torn, jaded part of the puzzle that I’m working so diligently to put together in my life now. Its getting through this part that completes that puzzle so when your time on this Earth is over, you can look down at your completed puzzle and say. Hey, I took those hardships and made this, this overall beautiful piece of art that is my life. I’ll tell you what that picture is once I tell you about this rough patch I am working on right now.

As young men grow older situations come and go. Some boys find a girl and the relationship blossoms and thrives. I too found the girl who when I first met her I knew there was something special about her. And like many guys who miss their shot to see some special aspects of life I was given an opportunity to take a peek at this beauty. Even this day she embodies the things I spoke of earlier on, beauty, love, and sunshine.

Time is an ugly creature, and as it wore on and bore itself on me, I found myself undergoing a change. One that at the time I did not know was occurring but looking back now it has made me into something I don’t entirely like. Anger, selfishness, and unkindness has turned my young carefree college boy shell into everything I once despised. And the young lady who’s beauty stuns me to this very day becomes the one who ultimately balances out the darkness and make this world something special. Rain, ugliness, and hate become my traits.

Now, this has all become clear to me in recent events. The last few months I’ve seen how time has changed me and I know that what I’ve become is something that I hate, I do not wish myself to be a bane in the side of my friends, family, but a bane is what I have become.

More often than not I find myself hurting the innocent young women that has burned her beauty into my mind so that everywhere I look I see her, and in turn I see sun even on the rainiest of days. My choice that I made was a difficult one. To everyone looking in they will not see what demons I’ve fought to get to this point, they do not see the countless tears that have dropped from my eyes.

How can they see? How would removing that sunlight from your life possibly bring me any sort of relief. Well, here it is. This is why I made my choice.

Unintentionally I hurt this beautiful girl. So often it seems, that I wonder why she herself stays with me. I think that it is the beauty in her that shines through the blackest of days. She continues to see the beauty in me when all I see is the ugliness. But what ever good is left in me does not want to see her hurt anymore. So I do the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time. I cut her free from me and hope that by getting through the pain quickly I will in the long run see her happy again, whether that means with someone better than myself or what ever good things come to her in life. I will not drag her down with me while I try to make the sunlight come back to my world.

If you ask me, do you love her? There is only one thing that I can say. Unconditionally.

In this time of darkness I can see the distant light. A future where we can be happy together as the sun and the moon are friends, dancing in the sky together forever, but never touching, unattainable. It draws in me a sadness deeper than anything this Earth can hold, but that light I see in the distance, that light is me. The path is long and often I’ll fall down, get tired, want to give up, but I know I can look up and see her there with me and she alone can show me what getting to that light means. Even by shining half as bright as she shines everyday will make me that much happier.

Its these times in our lives that change who we are as people and how our puzzle will look when its finally finished. When its all done we can step back and see the picture of our lives, made up of smaller memories but together they make art. And already I can tell you what I want in my picture. I want my puzzle to be all my friends, and I want to stand back from my puzzle and see them all. They are all going to be looking up at me, and not one of them will be sad. I won’t be in the puzzle though, no. All my friends will be smiling up at me as though I took that picture, and I’m putting that smile on their faces. I’ll look at the placement of this event and run my hand over that small imperfection, where the pieces don’t quite line up but I’ll remember my sunshine girl and her face will look up at me too, and smile.

Unconditionally.