walk, talk, cry

Now that I'm here I don't know what to say. I'm the kind of person who has big dreams and the potential to make those dreams happen. I'm the kind of person who wakes up every morning and is excited for what the day holds. I'm the kind of person who will never get married and is bad at relationships. I'm the kind of person who is alone.

I've never had a real boyfriend, i've slept with people I didn't altogether like or admire, i've felt slutty and alone, I feel sad. Sometimes I think about my life and I wonder where I'll end up. I wonder what job I'll have and if I will be successful or not. I wonder what car I'll drive and what country I'll live in. I wonder what the name of my cat will be. But no matter how many time I run over my future and think about what I might become, I always feel like I will always be alone. I've never had a real relationship, I'm afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of feelings, I'm afraid of intimacy. I feel holding hands is more than one night stands, I feel like sex is so awkward. One night stands don't reflect love.

I don't understand where I'm heading. I don't know how to fit in. I feel like the more people know me, the less they like me, and I don't know why. The other day....

The other day I hung out with the boy of my dreams it was great we walked and talked for hours. We laughed, we ate, we smiled. We rented a movie, we walked under the stars, we shared awkwardness and ice castles. We touched lizards, played games, saw people. We had a good time. The next day as I was talking to a friend about this boy, my friend forwarded me a message from this boy. Among other things it said I was annoying, screwed up, in your face. It crushed me. The soundtrack of my life stopped playing. I hit a bump in the road and the lights went out. I was left alone, in the dark, rejected. I can't be myself and get people to like me. I find comfort on my own and shrink away from sharing my feelings. I feel that the more open I am, the more likely it is that i will get hurt. Tears can only help so much and I've run out.

I'm afraid of rejection. I don't get boys and I feel alone.