As I Fade Away

                                                                As I Fade Away

                                                              By Daryl Campbell



         Doubt and despair tear at the edges of my thoughts, pulling back the curtains that hide who I am from the world. Darkness presses upon me, swallowing any ambition I have. The corner I back into is of my own making, built from the fear and loss I feel in every inch of my body. I know the man I am and the love I carry with me, but can’t resolve the emotions of the child I remain. I’m aware of of it all, of everything I want to be and could've been with some effort, very little effort at that. I’m aware of this as I fade away.

         The memories of my life are frozen in the pictures that mark my existence. I look at them and see the boy I was, the person I wish to be, and the man I became. I’m in them all, hidden in shadows, afraid of being seen. It was always by my choice and I don’t blame anyone for failing to see me. Through years of careful calculation and lack of desire to assert the man I am, I remain hidden. I know the choices and mistakes I make. They hang in my thoughts and decorate my life. Sometimes, many times, they lead me astray. The easy way is always the most difficult path for me to follow. I revel in conflict, enjoy watching others attempt to resolve the ideas behind my reasoning. As I fade away, I wish I'd left more people scratching their heads.

         I wasn't dealt a bad of hand. Things went horribly wrong for me, but only a few times; very drastic things, but not many. In this thought, I address things beyond my control, excluding any that came about, bad or not, through my actions. I count them with my fingers, coming up with eight personality altering events in my life. I see them clearly and have to swallow the damage that comes with the memories. They’ll always be there, though they're gently fading with me. I laugh when I discover them here, altering my thinking on everything as darkness swallows me. I see these moments in every detail that came with the original packaging. I know why I became who I did, why I made the choices I made, and can say, without any doubt, how these eight events change me. I know this, even as I fade away.

         I’m tired by the time regrets creep into my thoughts. They’re mainly ill advised choices, opportunities I failed to chase, unresolved issues, and people I hurt with no reason. I know these are part of my life and they define who I am. They’re generally hit and miss anyway, things decided with information available at the time. The missed opportunities are from a lack of drive, my fear to take risk and face the possibility of failure. The unresolved issues were allowed to sit in the back of my mind for so long, too much time passed for resolution. The people who were hurt or had their trust taken advantage of drag in my thoughts. Forgiveness was usually received, but how is one to know they're truly forgiven. Changing my regrets would alter my life entirely and isn't worth the risk of losing what good came from the misdirection. My regrets are many, but, as I fade away, there are only three I would alter if given the opportunity to do so.

         My eyes have been closed for a long time now. I feel at peace. The choice isn't rash, not made out of a moment of loss or anger, but I know some will say it’s selfish. People will say 'what about those who cared for him’, ‘what about his family’, and ‘only a coward would take this way out’. A coward’s way out, I agree with. I'm more frightened of living than I am of dying.

         Death is the ultimate conclusion to life’s problems. It resolves absolutely everything. One doesn’t come back from death and will never again have the chance to review their mistakes or rectify their regrets. When you’re gone, you’re gone. Every chance someone has ends with their death. Selfish? If one moves away from existence after thinking long on the choice, it must have been the correct thing to do. Those forcing someone to stay by strangling them with emotional attachments and guilt, are truly the selfish ones. I agree, a quick decision to leave is, more often than not, done without serious thought and out of sudden reaction to unforeseen circumstances. That being said, three years in making this choice provides plenty of thought. As I fade away, miss me, mourn me, but love me enough to remember who I was and allow yourself to move past the loss. The loss always remains, but its impact fades as time passes.

         My mind has dulled considerably and there’s no longer any hate or anger. The peace is beautiful. It's wonderful to lift the weight off my shoulders. Memories begin to vanish and my breath's shallow. This will say my goodbyes and let everyone know it was the right choice for me. I'm warm and calm, and there are so many colors floating in the darkness above me.

         As I fade away, I think purple has always been my favorite.