Looking for Love

I'm a-hunting down someone to retire with.

I'm male. You gotta be female. No exceptions. Don't take it personal if you're gay, but I seek a woman to snuggle with. Men are all too often too hairy, too ugly, and downright unhuggable if'n you ask me and plenty of other guys.

So, you wanna excape from it all? Are you lookin' fer Mr. Right? Are you tired of the rat race, and just wanna chuck it all? Then lets get hitched. I got a plan.

Here's my offer -- your chance of a lifetime! Act now.

Imagine you and me on two acres of Nevada desert, exactly one mile from a lesser traveled highway, and just enough distance to get us some exercise going to the mail box. Now, on this here piece of land, we put us up one of them mobile homes. We put a barbed wire fence around it to keep the coyotes out, and a "Trespassers will be Shot" sign on the entrance gate. We'll even dress up the entrance so people will recognize the road to our place. An old worn out washin' machine oughtta do the trick.

We're gonna need water, and since there ain't much rain in the desert, we gotta buy us a tank to put the water in. We don't need no fancy bottled water, just plain ol' water that comes out of one of them trucks used fer road makin'. That'll help keep expenses down.

We're gonna need another tank too -- one for making a still. There's a general store and feed down the road about 20 miles, and one haul of corn oughtta make us enough moonshine to keep us happy fer a month at a time. We just travel down there once a month in our 1974 two tone (white and rust) Chevy pickup, and haul back a load of corn and a few other necessities, like toilet paper, and all them niceties that you ladies like.

We git ourselves some electricity too. One of them hardware store generators oughtta do it. We only need electricty for one hour a day -- from 6:30 pm to 7:30 pm, so we can eat our dinner and watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, and cry out in unison, "How'd he know that!" when someone gits it right. Now that's what I call togetherness! What could be more romantic?

We ain't gonna be a-wantin' for food. The land I picked out has plenty of jackrabbits, and we can eat jack-rabbt stew while we're watching the TV. After dinner, we just turn off the electric generator and lay under the stars, drink our moonshine, gaze at the stars and watch for UFOs. And if we're feeling really festive, we can keep the generator going and light up some Christmas lights laid out on the ground that spells out UFOs ARE WELCOME HERE! You never know who might drop in. We just may end up bein' intergalactic celebrities!

Now, I know how you ladies is about keeping a house all decorated and such, so I figgered out how to dress up the place a little. We git ourselves some hubcaps and hang 'em up on the fence around our patch of land. We might even git us some of those lawn gnomes if'n you wanna. Whatever your heart desires! If you want lace curtains in the kitchen, I'm fine with that too, as long as I get to hang my picture of Elvis painted on black velvet in the livin' room.

Now I know you're all excited about this, but I gotta admit that I'm a one woman kind of man, so hurry. First come first served. And if you're the winner, you can be certain that I'm a-gonna be treatin' you to some real fine weddin' presents. I'll get you your own shotgun and skinnin' knife for making jackrabbit stew, a brand new skillet, and one of them wringer washers that you crank by hand so we can save on electricity. As you can see, I'm innerested in your health and want you to have the best exercise equipment Social Security can afford.

So if yer looking for Mr. Right and wanna get away from it all, stop right here. I'm yer man! We can love each other to end of our days, eating jack rabbit stew, watching Wheel, and gazing at the stars! What more could ya want? Diamonds? Thems for youngun's that don't know no better. Vacations? Heck! We'll be on vacation all the time. I'm even willing to do the dishes once a month just to give you a break in the kitchen! And if you keep from swearing, I'll take you to town on the third Thursday of every month and we'll supper at Dairy Queen. As you can see, you'll be wantin' for nothin'!

p.s. If you already got a husband and ain't happily married, git yerself a life insurance policy on him and I'll have one of my cousin's put an end to your misery. And if you get a big enough policy on him, we might even get us a double wide trailer! Now THAT would be heaven! If we get ourselves a double wide, we can use that space to rent out to strangers, and make ourselves a little extra cash.

Looking forward to your reply,

Mr. Right