In Regard to Jealousy

    Thump, thump, thump, was the sound that filled the room as my heart raced. I sat on the windowsill, my eyes wide despite their eagerness to sleep. The milky white glow of the moon splashed its heatless light across my face and bosom. I clenched onto the aged wood of the windowsill on which I had been sitting. My nails dug into the wood slowly filing some of it away. My body was slick in a film of a cold sweat; it dripped from my body like rain down a roof. I was angry, I was nervous; my nerves had been a wreck for months, ever since I had discovered what he had been doing behind my back. My body was cold and pale, cadaver like. My lungs rigidly pull in icy midnight air; my breaths are short and quick. I feel a loss of reality, something has ripped it away from me, tearing a hole somewhere deep inside of me and causing my cold brown eyes to well up with pools of tears. I had, by now, a lack of consciousness from all things logical and had developed an inescapable plague in my soul. This monster I call passion clawed ferociously at my spirit, quickly breaking it down.

    I grew more and more anxious and angry as I thought of how sneaky he thought he had been. I expected to find, when he walked through that front door, lipstick on his collar and I knew that the scent of cheap perfume would fill my nostrils, as it has many times before. He wasn't sneaking past me this time. I was sickened with rage; all the devils that lurk around in the darkness took possession of my soul. I was waiting patiently like a cat ready to pounce on my prey. I'd release him tonight from all the chains he bound himself with years ago, the chains of marriage. I'd release him and send him back to the very succubus who forces his unfaithful acts of lust. Oh! A million thoughts flew through me. It was like the unrelenting wrath of God had embodied me. I got up from my post and began to pace back and forth through the room.

    Mere seconds had passed from the time I was at the window, and then headlights scraped silently across the floral pattern walls of our bedroom and over my body drawing me back to stare outside. My heart raced faster, now pounding at my chest. My body trembled as the car door slammed shut. I was so unsure of what was even going on now; I had no idea how to react. My instincts told me to burst through the house with the fury of Hell raging through me, but a tiny voice inside of me was trying to hold me back like it has for months. I let my hate take the best of me and I lunged myself out into the hall and down the stairs. I heard the front door opening as I made my way down.

    I stood on the staircase. The moonlight slightly lit up my face; it caused the slick drops of sweat on my face to glow as I stared at that man. He stared dead into my eyes; he looked a mess, clothes disheveled and hair sloppy. It was a "meeting," of course. I knew he saw the flames that burned deep inside of me through my piercing stare; he could say a damn word to me, not a damn word. I broke the silence. "Home again so late honey? I don't suppose you were at another one of your 'business meetings,' were you? I believe this is the third on this week. It's strange that you have all these meetings yet you're bringing home shit. You're company isn't worth a fucking penny. So Tom, where have you really been honey? Could it be your secretary that has been working you real hard?"

    "Ethel sweetheart, don't be upset. I swear to you I've been at very important business meetings. Don't be upset. Nothing's going on. Where do you get such ideas?" Tom watched me step down the stairs; I snickered to myself with a wide grin on my lips. I reached for the foyer light and flicked it on and then began examining Tom. I moved in close and let him wrap his arms around me. He lowered his head slowly moving himself to place his lips to mine. I moved my head in close to his chest so to avoid his kisses. I could smell the perfume of a cheap whore on him. I was quick in pushing him away; the look of disgust had embodied me.

    "This is unbelievable Tom. Tell me you're selling Chanel now and your big gimmick is 'Real Men Wear Chanel.' Oh! And what is this?" I said with sarcasm as I examined his lips again. His head was at an angle where the light had made that raspberry color more vivid along his lips, neck and shirt collar. "Lipstick too? Wow Tom, I suppose real men wear the lipstick of their whore too. You don't surprise me anymore Tom. I've known about this for a long time now and I can't take it anymore!" The intensity of my voice rose drastically and I began to scream. My heart raced again and I felt as though I were losing my connection with reality. Those demons were taking control again; I became wild. I hardly remember anymore of the arguing that took place in the foyer between Tom and me.

    Somehow I found myself waking up with my face down on the kitchen counter. I sat up slowly and looked around. I heard the shower running upstairs from our room; I could have been out too long. I got up and moved to the kitchen sink. I ran the water for a few minutes as I stared out into the dark night through the window. Something about that big pale moon soothed me, however the black sky reminded me of the emptiness and anger I had. Tom had really fucked me over; I wasn't going to let him get away with it. I wanted Tom to feel what I felt and I didn't care how I did it. I didn't care what happened after this.

    I lowered my face toward the sink and splashed ice-cold water over my skin a few times and rubbed hard to get the dry tears off my face. If there was one feeling I hated, it was that; the feeling of tight skin once your tears have dried up on it. After I washed my face I looked up into the darkness outside the kitchen window. I could see a faint reflection of myself; I looked horrid. I could barely recognize myself, my grace and beauty seemed to have disappeared and bitterness had replaced it. I knew now was the time to free myself and correct my pain. At this point I Really wasn't sure what I was thinking. Everything in my life was spinning out of control and I only knew of one way of restoring everything and finding happiness again.
I walked to the knife drawer and pulled out the longest Tom had kept. You may think my thoughts were becoming irrational but you can't understand. I felt like I should have been crying but I couldn't. I felt my pulse in my face and my body was hot. I had completely lost control of myself; it was too late. I walked up the stairs slowly hiding the knife behind my back. I may have looked suspicious had Tom seen me. While I crept up toward the bedroom I heard the water stop running and the squeaking of the shower handles as Tom turned them off. I could hear the faint sound of the glass shower door sliding open. Tom was done with his shower. As I came up on the bedroom door I hesitated for a second and questioned myself. I found myself imagining Tom with another woman, I wondered who she was and I quickly found myself enraged again.

    I moved slowly through our room and crept as silently as a cat to the bathroom door. I looked at Tom's back as he stood leaning over the sink staring at himself in the mirror. The steam was thick and I'm sure he hadn't noticed me. I took two steps into the bathroom and began breathing heavily in the stifling steam. I felt an instant discomfort in my chest as the moisture started to coat my lungs. "I'm sorry Tom," I managed to get that out of me choking just a bit. I had choked because of the air, not because I didn't mean it. Tom turned slowly and I quickly moved into him, his arms wrapped around me and he gasped. I started to cry the minute I had plunged the knife into his chest and his body became rigid. I stepped back and bit at my bottom lip. Tom's body fell to the floor and he gasped a few times as the blood rushed toward my bare feet. My tears continued to fall, but not for regret or sadness, I wept because I was free, I was liberated.
   
    "I don't have any regrets. I didn't think of good times with Tom at any point. I sat with him though as he lay bleeding, dying on the bathroom floor while we waited for the police to arrive. I had called the police. I had told them of the murder. I knew by the time they arrived Tom would be long dead. I could not live life worrying about being caught though, that's why I had to confess. That's why I'm here talking to you Doctor Weiss. It may sound crazy to you but you'd only understand if you suspected your wife is cheating on you."

         "Alright Ethel, that's enough today. I will be here next Monday and we'll talk more. Officer we're done in here, you can let me out now."

         And so this is the consequence of my rage. This is how I'd spend the rest of my life, locked up talking only to the doctors that came in and out evaluating me, testing me, using me as a test subject. Doctor Weiss would be my last and only friend. This is the one visit I can look forward to week after week as I sit and wait for death. I seem to be unmoved by my circumstance, I feel a release now, of all that was burning inside me. I'm a free soul without regrets.