First Kiss

It had been all right when they were with all the others, joking with the other guys, teasing a little, you didn’t have to try to figure out what to say every minute.  But now they were alone.  She walked ahead of him up the steps and he was very aware of the swing of her hips as she moved in front of him.  She turned toward him and her breast brushed his arm – the soft yielding surface that he longed to know more about.  Oh God!  He shouldn’t think about that – he was starting to get an erection.  He couldn’t let her see.  He stuffed his hands into his pockets. 

She thought he might be going to say something.  He had drawn in his breath suddenly just then.  But then he just stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and stood there.  Maybe he was suddenly shy.  She waited for him to say what he had started to say.  She hoped he would kiss her.  She couldn’t kiss him – he would think she was fast. 

He tried running through the multiplication tables.  His brother had recommended that to help calm down when things were getting out of control.  But he was acutely aware of her every move, the smell of her, the shadow of her hair across her cheek.  Her cheek would be soft, as her breast had been soft.  Uh-oh!!  Back to the multiplication tables. 

He’s just standing there with his hands stuffed in his pockets, she thought.  Am I supposed to do something?  But what?  Have I got bad breath?  Is my lipstick smeared?  She stood looking at him -- the way his neck connected to his shoulder, that angle just above the collar bone, the way the vessels stood away from the muscle, visible under the skin.  The biology book told you why there was a difference between men's and women's bodies -- that layer of fat.  It didn't tell you it was going to make you feel weak in the knees.  I’m so nervous!  Maybe my deodorant failed.  How can I check it now? 

He tried to look at her.  He found himself staring at her breasts.  He jerked his eyes downward before she caught him and went back to the multiplication tables -- 4 x 4 is 16, 5 x 4 is 20...  This was agony.  He wanted to kiss her.  She was so soft, so sweet standing there, but he couldn’t go near her.  Not right now.  Not until he got himself under better control.  The silence stretched on.

He just suddenly jerked his eyes away.  There is something wrong.  No mirror.  She ran her tongue over her teeth to see if she could feel any food stuck somewhere unappetizing.  She wet her lips and chewed the bottom one.  She almost started to chew on her fingernails, but a girl can’t be kissed with her fingers in her mouth.  She ran her hands over her hair to see if that was the problem.  She looked down herself to see if there was a ketchup smear on her blouse or a button undone or something.   

As she looked down, he turned away, sure she had guessed what was going on.  This was too embarrassing.  “Well,” he began, and his voice chose that exact moment to do its periodic transition from budding tenor back to little boy squeak.  He cleared his throat, and began again.  “Be seeing you,” he said, and practically ran down the steps. 

I’m hopeless, she thought.  Such a loser.  What did I do wrong?  I thought he liked me, but he didn’t say anything.  She ran into the house and looked in the mirror – no broccoli stuck to her teeth.  No ketchup stains or undone buttons.  What had been wrong?  Why didn’t he kiss me?  What’s wrong with me?  And she burst into tears.