cuts

I sat there looking up at the ceiling of my room; I knew what I was about to do. My body knew long before my mind did, my wrists started to itch in anticipation as I now glazed upon a medium size razor. “You can’t do this, you know what will happen. Just get up and walk out, that’s all you need to do.” my conscience began to echo, repeating it self over and over again. It never worked though. I heaved my self up out of the corner I had excluded myself into and walked out as if it was nothing. “NO!!” my mind shouted as I went back and grabbed the rusted razor from being used repeatedly. I ran it along my wrist as a maroon colored line began to bubble.
         I immediately grabbed a piece of cloth I kept around for stuff like this. I began to feel the release of…everything, Stress, anger, and the worst of all emotional pain. It was the worst because it will always be there no matter what you do or say. You can only muffle it out like a candle but for some reason it just starts to flicker here and there and before you know it, it’s fully ignited. I felt the normal dizziness and the black abyss of sleep.
         I woke up as I began to hear footsteps; I had trained my ears into doing so I wouldn’t get caught.  I jumped up and saw that I had a stain on my tank top; I quickly pulled it off before my mom came in to wake me up. “Your up early”, “Yeah.” I replied as I clothed the door and began to dress for school. I know my mom hadn’t seen my arm and she most likely won’t tell it turns to a scar. I didn’t talk to my family much, never had and most likely never will. All of them seemed like they hated me, I always got into arguments with my mom and brother. My dad was never around he left when I was 2, lucky him.
         It wasn’t always bad; I can recall a time when I was happy.  Before by she died. I couldn’t say the word, my throat would always close up and memories would flash back to when she was alive. When she would sit with me in our favorite place out side by the creek, which ran through our woods and our aunts, we sat where a weeping willow tree stood. I never went there either; I couldn’t bare the pain of going there alone with out her. I wished more than anything that she would come back, but I knew she couldn’t, she’s 6 feet underground somewhere in a shiny wooden casket somewhere.
         Dreams of her haunted me at night, visions of her just lying there so peaceful as if she was asleep. Then worms began to wiggle through her golden blond hair as maggots began to eat away at her fair skin and slender body. I always woke up screaming and crying sitting up on my bed looking around to make sure I was dreaming. I would sit there alone crying no one beside me to comfort me and tell me it was going to be all right. No one there to whip my tears and hold me, no one.
         I sat there on the bus looking at the raindrops gather and then blow away outside my window, one of my friends sitting next to me blabbing on and on about something. I didn’t care; I was to tired, to cold and to weak to listen. I found my self not caring a lot about stuff I usually would care about, my grades, what my friends said or do.  All the teachers worried about me and started to call my mom after a while of seeing me come in pale, tired, and quite. All my mom did was yell at them getting this idea that they were calling her a bad mother and then at me evidently I was telling the school stories about her mistreating me. Which I didn’t, I hardly ever spoke.
                             


                   4 months ago when she was alive.


         “Wakeup beautiful, spring is here and the sky is clear”, ringed Sara as I covered my head and hid from the sun as she pulled the curtains away. “Ivey wake up if you want to head up to the creak for a swim don’t make me go alone please.” She begged as she pulled the covers off me, I whined as I sat up. Sara and I were twins, and different as night and day. I was a night person and she a morning person; she was all bubbly and beautiful. We looked alike same hair, same height, same weight, same everything but personality. She was confident in her self; she would go out side wearing shorts, snow boots, a tank top and a winter hat in the middle of summer. Even though it might sound absurd she pulled it off, looking beautiful in everything she wore. She would get mad at me when I protested at her remarks about me being pretty, saying that if I thought I wasn’t pretty then I didn’t think she was pretty. Now when she says it I just smile and look down.
         Even though I was the oldest by 7 minutes, she stood up for me and said things that I couldn’t say.  We didn’t have that whole mind reading thing like people say twins do, we had our own language. no one knew or could figure out what we were talking about. I don’t know how we made it up I just know how to speak it, maybe that was our own magical thing. My mother didn’t approve of it, she sent us to speech therapists thinking that something was wrong with us. She hated it when we spoke it around her, she never knew what we were talking about or what we were laughing and giggling about. I don’t blame her though.
         Sara and I raced outside getting ready to head up to the creak when we were called back inside. “You guys want to come with me and Billie? “ “Where you going?” I asked as I leaned on Sara’s shoulder.  “To go see your aunt jean, she wants to see you guys before school starts and all you coming or not?”  “Yeah sure,” “well go change into something nice,” Said our mother as she shoed us.  “wedag yettie lasoeu?”, why do you think aunt jean wants to see us? “marehav gieonl heoil dair” maybe she has a present for us. Replied Sara as she changed into a pretty light green dress with mint colored lace tying around her waist. She then helped me with mine, it was light blue with navy lacing similar to hers. We ran back out side to waste time as my mom talked on the phone, we laid on the grass under a shady tree looking up at the light peeking through the leaves and watching the squirrels scurry around. “habar ta lepin toago?” do you believe in haven?, “retar tesya juven,” of course we’ll be going there when are time comes. “jugar heta te ubeen,” hopefully not soon. “uberta hu jaben gerta,” doesn’t matter when we’ll still be together don’t worry, I’ll always be with you. “hayten huba yer,” I’ll be there for you to.
         It was comforting to hear that, to know no matter what I’ll never be truly alone. We piled into our olds mobile, sticking to our seats as we began to sweat from the hot air that had been trapped inside. We quickly rolled the windows down to get air and turn on the radio like always. Billie, my older brother, reached behind the back seat and snatched the sketchpad I had brought along. I complained and tried to get it back before he looked through it, but he just ended up pinching me. Sara punched him in the arm as he yelled, my mom began to get tired of us fighting and told him to give it back. When he did Sara stuck her tongue  out at him taunting him. He was mad I knew we were going to get it when we got there but Sara didn’t care.
         When we got there we were greeted by our aunt jean, she fussed over me and Sara about how grown up we had gotten. Sara and I waited impatiently for her and my mom to start talking while her and me went into the back woods where we always went when we visited. We loved woods, we loved to explore and pretend that we were on a hunt for a treasure.  As we walked into the woods we began to walk farther then ever before and got lost. “Sara what are we going to do now?” “Don’t worry Ivey well be fine…we came from that direction see. We’ll be fine come on.” “Sara we went that way and just walked in circles. It’s getting dark, I think it’s going to storm.” “You don’t know that.” She said as she began to walk with out me I just sat there and waited tell she came back. Knowing she would walk into a big circle like before.
         But she never did, I was beginning to worry. I went after her as I herd thunder, and lightning in the distance. I couldn’t find her; my heart began to pound as I began to panic. “Sara, Sara!” I yelled, and then I herd her. I ran into the direction of her voice as it began to pour rain. As if the sky was pouring buckets and buckets of water trying to drown every one and every thing. I started running but stopped to a halt as I saw a big gap, Sara on the other side. It began to rain so hard that we had to yell; I looked around for some kind of bridge or something so she could get a cross. But found nothing,  “What are we going to do?” “I don’t know the bridge collapsed and got carried away by the stream.” “Can’t you walk across?” “No the waters to strong, go back to aunt jeans and get help.” She yelled, “okay be careful, I’ll be back.” I yelled, as the wind began to pick up. I didn’t want to leave her but I didn’t have a choice. I ran through the woods, trying to remember how to get home, I slipped and fall, then lightning struck hitting a tree as it began to fall. I moved out of the way as it crashed and kept on running, I was almost at the house, I could barely see the lights on as rain and twigs and leaves flew everywhere. I was heading to the door relieved, but before I could get there the top of my cousin’s little house flew and knocked me to the ground leaving me passed out.
         I woke up in a bed, feverish and in pain. My aunt sat next to me crying, I looked around and saw that I was in the hospital. “Sara! She’s stuck on the other side of the creek, did you get her?” I said panicking as I looked at her seeing her crying even more, she began to suffocate me as she hugged me and moved her fingers threw my hair. “What’s wrong aunt jean? Where’s Sara?” I demanded, I looked at her and knew and suddenly I knew. She didn’t have to tell me I knew, I felt it before I woke up. I just didn’t want to believe it, I began to bawl, choke from crying to hard and eventually I couldn’t breathe. The nurses rushed in and held a mask over my mouth and nose as I passed out.
         I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even talk, I was crying so hard and often that it made me sick. I didn’t go to the funeral I couldn’t even if I wanted to, I was stuck in the hospital on suicide watch. I blamed my self, if I just had went with her or told her not to go or something. She would still be alive; when I didn’t return with help she tried to cross the creek. But slipped on the muddy sides and carried away by the current, they found her along with the bridge that had disappeared when me and her needed it.