Where am I going?

Running away from responsibilities. I never thought there would a time when I actuall will be resposible for something. It is happening now. And I am not ready for it!

I can't support myself. I can't express myself. I can't get a job. I can't study. I can't decide what I want to do with my life. I don't know what I want to do for money. I don't know how to pay for my shit. I can't manage myself.

My life is fat, lazy and miserable. Nothing interests me at all. Is it my age? No I'm not 14 again! I'm almost 20 now. I'm going to college. I'm trying to become a "mechanical engineer" in the future.

I have no professional skills at all. People think that I am actually something but I'm not. I'm not just writing these stuff to show that I'm aware of all this. I don't know what to do with myself.

I never understood why people kill themselves. No I am not planing to commit suicide. That's just redicilus. My point is, the idea of dying. You die, and there's nothing that you need to take care of after that! I'm not sure if all those stories about hell and heaven is true or not, but that doesn't really matter when I think about it now. Even if they are true, then you'll either go to heaven and have a wonderfull after life, or you'll go to hell and will be punished for all the "crimes" that you did in this world. In both cases, your dead! You wont have to think about your future anymore. You're future in the other world is clear and right on your forehead. So what's the deal? What's wrong with killing yourself? It Is going to happen sooner or later, right? So why wont you just get rid of yourself now?

You watch movies, you listen to music, you read books, you write, you eat, you sleep, you shower, you shit. That's your life. You're lonely, you have resposibilities you never imagined would catch you! And you're running out of time. TIME! Time it is. You get tired of all this because the time wont stop. It keeps going on, and on and on! There's no one out there to stop it for you. You try to stop it for yourself by not paying attention to details! But that doesn't work! That's just like trying to lie to yourself in the face. It's like having an argument with one of those impossible people. You keep talking and reasoning, and all you hear back is absolute bullcrap that don't mean anything. You hear stuff that are made specificially for you, to humiliate you! To make you look dumb and stupid, and easy to make fun of! It get's tiring sometimes, and you keep fighting back. You try different ways, different types of talking. You try different people. Different societies and different cities. You travel all the way from east to west, and you find out the old saying is true: "everywhere you go, the sky is blue!"

The feeling of puking after a huge drinking night. Feeling your eyes are poping out of their palce on your face. Your lungs coming out of your mouth. At that point, you just want to get it over with! That's where I'm standing now, and the thought of death is exactly the same as the feeling of getting that shit over with while puking! You just want that to stop, so you push harder, you breath deeper and you throw up more. And in my case, I don't do anything! I know what the problem is, I know where the poblem is, I know who the problem is, and most importantly, I know what the solution is.

So I'm just going to think about a short story. These little love letters will drive me crazy, and nowhere after that!