Pirate John

Pirate John

Characters:
Pirate 1
Pirate 2
Pirate 3
John
Joe
(More line/gestures will probably be added for Pirate 3 and Joe)

Three pirates sit around at a bar(or dock), passing around a bottle of rum, swapping stories.

Pirate 1: “-So the guy asks me why the drink was tastin' sour, so I tell him 'Mate, you put the rum in the lemon barrel!' (others laugh) I tell you, there wasn't a case of scurvy on that ship.”

Pirate 2: “Eh, that would've ticked me off. Our liquor's always watered down for rations.”

Pirate 1: “Ae, just like this crap. (Gestures toward the bottle in his hand) Bert, how are you getting drunk off this stuff anyhow?”

Pirate 2: “Aw, the guy drinks like a fish. Just wish he didn't smell like one...”

Pirate 3: (intoxicated)“Ya, well thats what your wife said...last...night”

Pirate 2: “Well it can't have been my wife. She don't have room to talk.”
(All three laugh)

Pirate 1: “Oh, what a bloody fine conversation. Most of the saps I crew with are always trying to prove themselves the next Black Bart.” (Enter John and Joe. John sports an eye-patch, while Joe is dressed in exotic clothing, perhaps even a ninja outfit) “Well cut me blind if that isn't Pirate John. 'Could've swore the bloke was dead.”

Pirate 3: “You know, he looks pretty good for a dead fella...”

Pirate 2: “Oh shut it ya moron. Hey John, why don't ya join us for a round or two?!”

John: “Hey fellas. Don't mind if I do.” (Whispers something to Joe, who then exits stage.)

Pirate 1: “So what'cha been up to? I haven't seen you port here in months.”

John: “Ah, been keepin busy. Promoted myself to captain as it were.”
(Pirate 2 spits out a mouthful of rum in shock)

Pirate 2: “Tastes horrible...”

John: “Ya, well I've learned not to expect too much from rum. Haven't touched the stuff since goin to Singapore. (Joe comes back, bearing a bottle.) Thanks”

Pirate 2: “Talk about a hypocrite...”

John: “Naw, this is just spiced tea. My companion's recipe in fact.”

Pirate 1: “Ya, about your servant. Where'd ya find him? He certainly doesn't seem to be a local.”

John: “Servant?! No, this man be my first mate. Met him off the coast of Japan a few months back. He was an assassin, you see, and was about to be hung for his crimes, but I managed to save his life. 'Been with me ever since. People over there used to say he could kill you without makin' a single move...” (All three lean in as he speaks.)

Pirate 1: “Whoa, so what's his name?”

John: (pauses) “Joe.”

Pirate 3: (intoxicated, waving hands) “Ooooo, scary...”

John: “You have no idea, my fishy friend.”
(Pirate 3 sniffs himself)

Pirate 1: “Well, he doesn't seem very talkative.”

John: “Well thats 'cuz he's a mute. Sure can whistle though...hey Joe, give 'em a whistle, will ya?

Joe: -whistles a bird call-

Pirate 1: “Well that's quite impressive.”

John: “Ae, you ought to here his Turkey call...”

Pirate 2: “So John, what happened to your eye? Try to underpay a bad whore?”

John: “Now that, my friend, is an interesting story. In fact, it happened during the very same trip to Singapore. I'm sure you blokes would rather enjoy your rum though...”

Pirate 1: “Oh tell the story for god-sakes. We've nowhere to be.”

John: “Very well. It started some months ago when I realized my profits weren't very high. It seemed pirating was out of season for the moment, so I decided to go legit for once. Singapore needed spices, they said, so me and the crew raided a local warehouse of such goods, and-”

Pirate 2: “Wait, I thought you said you went legit.”

John: “Legit from pirating, mate. I never said anything about no land burglary. Well anyhows, we take the spices and load them on the Sea Wench and sail away without a second thought. A few days-”

Pirate 1: “Did you say Sea Wench?”

John: “It be the name of me ship. Its lucky to name a ship after a woman.”

Pirate 2: “Maybe not a profession...”

John: “What was that?”

Pirate 2: “Nothing. Please, continue.”

John: “As I was saying, a few weeks later we finally make port in Singapore with about half our cargo intact-”

Pirate 1: “Only half?”

John: “We had to trade some for supplies on the way there. Of course, some of my men also traded a bit for a few odd cannons. The damn things were made of wood, and the barrels were too big, so I managed to trade them for a few local fancies.”

Pirate 2: “Like what?”

John: “Well, I got a parrot for the Irish bloke, and a bowl for the American.”

Pirate 2: “Just a bowl?”

John: “With inflation as it is, I probably could've gotten the whole set with a European. So anyways, after docking the ship, I decided to give the men a little rest on land. That's the last time I drink on the job...”

Pirate 1: “What happened?”

John: “Well, lets just say I woke up three days later in an alleyway with a hangover and a pain in my...back. Anyhow, when I got back to the ship, I discovered my spices were missing, and in their place was a huge cache of coconuts!”

Pirate 2: “Coconuts! What use are those?!”

John: “Wel-

Pirate 3: (singing and drunk) “If you like Pina-Coladas, and getting-

Pirate 1: “Oh shut it you drunk, let him finish.”

John: “Well, I'm no bartender, so I began questioning my men about what had happened. A few of them confessed they had seen me dealing with the Dock-master in my meandering. So I go up to his place of business to talk to him, and there I see the most beautiful creature God ever blessed with breath. Her hair flowed like a black waterfall, her eyes (Pirate 2 grabs a bit of net and throws it on his head, mocking John's love as he talks) shone like the twinkling of the stars. I gave her a bow as a gentle man of my nature would, and kissed her hand. I swear lads, if you could have heard the way she gig-”
(Pirate 3 falls over from laughing at Pirate 2's antics. Pirate 1 quickly grabs the net off Pirate 2's head as John turns around. Pirate 2 breaks into a large, fake yawn to cover his mocking. An awkard pause ensues.)

Pirate 3: (from ground) “Could someone grab me a pint?”

John: (As he helps Pirate 3 up) “I think you guys could lay off the liquor a bit. Sorry for goin' on like that. Just got carried away.”

Pirate 1: “That's alright.”

Pirate 2: “Eh, I guess I could forgive ya.”

John: “Anyways, I go to see the Dock-master, and I says straight to his face I want a re-negotiation. And you know what he does? He spits in me eye!” (Clutches his eye-patch)

Pirate 2: “That doesn't sound so bad.”

John: “He was chewin' on sunflower seeds, mate!”

Pirate 2: “Oh...”

John: “Ya, so I decide to be the better man and leave. I also managed to convince the pretty flower out front to elope with me as well. Of course, I didn't find out till later that she was the Dock-master's daughter...”

Pirate 1: “ouch.”

John: “...So I manage to get aboard the 'Wench-”

Pirate 3: “Which one?”

John: “The one with the bigger cannons, mate. So we get the 'Wench out into the sea, and sure enough, there be the Dock-master not far behind in his own Galley, ready to reclaim his daughter. But I wasn't about to give up the gal, so I ordered my men to load the cannons and prepare for battle. Unfortunately,  Joe here comes and tells me that I had traded all the cannonballs away as well...”

Pirate 2: “Well how did he do that?”

John: “Oh, don't tell me you never played charades. Well, given the circumstances, I order my men to begin dumping the coconuts to lighten the ship. As my men threw the first of them over the side, however, I was hit with sudden genius! I ordered my men to stop chucking the coconuts, and load them into the cannons.”

Pirate 1: “I'm no pirat-anical genius, but I don't think coconuts would fit in the cannon barrels.”

John: “Ae, right you are. But your forgetting, I had a few of those special wooden cannons at my disposal. Sure enough, they were made to shoot the damn things. So after my men moved them into position, I turned the 'Wench around to battle the Dock-master. It was a battle like none had never seen before. Cannonballs and Fruit flew to and fro, wood splintering and juice blinding. In the end, we simply had more balls, and the Dock-master retreated.”

Pirate 2: “Well thats quite a story mate.”

John: “Ha, you know what the best part is? (singing) I've got a lov-el-y bunch of coconuts.”
(Everyone stands up, joining in. Joe whistles along as well)

Everyone:
“There they are-a standing in a row,
                                       (one, two, three, four)
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head,
                                                                 (and bigger)
Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist, thats what the showman said.”

John: “And I've got the loveliest nuts of all...”