Scared

I wonder, I wonder if the world knows what it means to be alone. Truly, honestly, deeply alone. Sure, one might argue about the meaning of "being alone" but anyway one perceives it, you still find that you are, in fact, alone. When you look at everything, you understand that Earth is not very close to any other thing, even the moon. One might also find that the human race is alone on earth, put into different realms because of our intelligence, and so the human race is all by its lonesome. Our countries and worlds are also isolated, and though bonded we may be, the point of this is that we're all alone. I hope you see my point now...as odd as it comes off to be. Now I might ask you if you're afraid of it? Afraid of being alone? I am, I'm very afraid.

I fear what I already am. It is the only thing that I deeply fear at all really. Why? Because I know that despite everything humans do to come together, I am alone...and that it might just be that way forever.

Here now, imagine this if you will. Imagine a storming night in the middle of January, with the power out and you wrapped tightly in a blanket, the room only lit by a tiny little candle. Go further with this still if you will, and pretend you're the only one in the facility, and that you're all alone with no one to be there with you. No one there to comfort you, only the imploring darkness and dancing lightning that moves to it's own chorus of drumming thunder. Not a very good image is it? A bit cliche if you will....may be even cheesy. However... What if it was like this all the time? What if you felt like this, even with your friends or a lover.....even someone you hate? You could be smiling and laughing with the rest of them, but you'd still feel like you're wrapped in that blanket. All alone. Your only friend being that hardly shining little candle. Not as cliche is it? I didn't think so. Its often not when you look at it like that. But what person is eternally wrapped in darkness? Surely no one.

But still, I beg you reader, to go even farther with this depressing image, and may be as you do...you'll realize why I myself fear being alone as much as I do.

Imagine once more for me, that you're in this room...lit by only a candle. Think this time you hear agonizing bumps, groans, and deeply disturbing laughter. Just like you did when you where a child, and there was something hiding in your closet. Imagine now, that all of these noises are coming from the imposing darkness...from every direction, and that they bind you willingly to your bed and the safety of your blankets and candle. Now pretend that while you're sitting there, you hear also voices. Clear, crisp, kind voices telling you to get up, out of your bed and explore the unknown darkness. But you're to afraid to stand up and take this chance because your only safety are those blankets...and that bed....that damned candle.. You can not move because you're alone, and that scares you.

It can be assumed that this rather psychotic image chills and disturbs you. It might even make you feel lucky that the real world isn't like that, and that you have people to be with. Correct? Here comes the part where you might think I'm insane. Because I tell you now that this is how I feel. Constantly. It never ends, and while I can be in a smiling crowd of people, I am internally alone with nothing but my little candle...that is slowly burning out of wax.

Do you see reader? Why being all alone scares me so? Because I know what it feels like to be in that room...with the voices calling, the walls screeching, and a candle that slowly burns through it's wax with blankets that fray from use. And I have no wax to make another, or a match to re-light my candle if it ever goes out. I believe you only get one, you know, like a life? But I also don't believe that you're meant to have only one. You're supposed to explore that darkness, and find another person who will share their candle with you, and yours with them. You're supposed to walk with that person, take their hand, and feel alive. Not alone, not incomplete.

And I don't think I'll ever find that person. Hah, and yes...the older and much wiser might tell me that I'm oh so young, and that my life has just begun. Many would say theres still time, all the time of my life to find someone to walk with. People will tell me patience is key, but there is another feeling I know all to well. Something inside that foreshadows my own existence, and it haunts me. It tells me that I'll be alone forever, and that my candle will fade away....that I will never meet anyone else. You see reader, I have only one candle.

Now insert a feeling like that into this image we've made, and tell me how you feel? Hopeless I should think, at least that's how I feel. Imagine this at the movies with friends, or surfing on the computer. Think about it. Surround yourself with hundreds of people in your mind, but retain that feeling. Walking alone, holding yourself up against the darkness with only a tiny, dying candle.

At last dear reader, my image to you has been completed. And I hope you now grasp how I, so weakly, am afraid of being alone.