The Loss

I am at a loss to explain the heartache that has overtaken me.
I cannot believe…for one minute…that had he known the magnitude of the sadness he would leave behind…would he have chosen to take his life that way.

I am left with memories of the position he was in when found…of how long he lay there…bleeding.  I am haunted by pictures taken in the funeral home.  His face swollen and bruised…looking nothing like the brother I knew and loved.

My only solace is knowing he is finally at peace.  I remember one phone conversation I had with him six months prior.  My reaction:  the next phone call I get will be someone telling me he took a gun to his head.  What kind of crazy premonition was that?  I had talked to him since then…but the feeling never left me.  I wish I could have done something that would have changed things.  But I know now that there was nothing I could have done.

I do wish things could have been different.  That we could have talked more….visited more…been there for each other more…Were it possible, I would want him back now…hopeful that together, we could make sense of the world.

Kevin, my brother and my friend, I will miss you always.  Know that your music will go on forever.  I hope you can look down now, and see what a good friend you had in Warren.  He loved you more than you will ever know.  To us, he has been an angel sent by heaven to help us make sense of what is left.  You chose well…

Much love, always,
Donna