Me and E

Did you ever have one of those moments
where you try to give yourself therapy.
Somehow i thought that i could find some deep meaning
just by taking my mind back and asking questions.
My thoughts directly traveled back to E.
E wasn't my first relationship
but it was definitely the first one that mattered.
Up to that point I was cold, selfish,
perfect.
I bowed to no man and was proud.
I was actually happy.
happy...
maybe not happy.
-content.
I knew what I was anyway.
I had a group of friends that loved me and i loved them.
I fought, just for gratification.
It was one of the only things I was good at.

Then there was a school transfer.
i became much more mild.
(I still have those old friends to this day though)
I remember the day I met E at my new school.
I met her entire group but I immediately noticed her.
We were friends for about 2 years after that.
She was so intelligent, i loved our conversations.
I thought i loved her too.
I eventually became infatuated enough to ask her out.
We lasted for about a week.
You can barely call it dating.
No contact.
We barely talked.
I was so stupid...
I saw where it was going.
So, like many young and ignorant people i told her exactly how i felt.
I poured it on; I really had strong feelings.
It ended that day.
i was pissed so i decided to take a drive.
I crashed - metaphorically speaking
We wanted to still be friends.
Which of course means that she still wanted to be friends and I...
well i didn't want to be nothing.
I won a strong friendship and I learned a lesson about love.
Hide or ignore it when possible.

I was low and needed to feel better about myself,
so i got with someone else,
you can call her "K".
No prior friendship, no difficult process.
Just raw, physical attraction.
But most importantly I had my pride back.
I ignored her when i wanted, treated her like dirt.
It was okay we knew she deserved no better.
She was manipulative and lustful,
I was cold and arrogant.
Perfect chaos.
3 months of perfect chaos.
And when we parted i felt nothing.
I was happier,
my plan worked.
I had less feelings with 3 months of K than 2 weeks of E.

K was with 3 people within a week of our split.
(manipulative witch)
E dated a nice guy sometimes,
occasionally a jerk.
We are still friends,
me and E.
Both single, and moderately happy.
I still wonder if my hasty half-love ruined us.
We weren't so far from compatible.
I wonder what she thinks about all of this.
We are going dancing tomorrow.
Maybe I'll ask her...
I probably won't.
It's been too long, I've become too stubborn.
Too cold.
We will dance,
she will laugh,
I'll smile and glance to the ground like I always do.

And now you know the tragedy,
of pride and loss, of me and E.