The Rudolph Rant

I always wondered about Rudolph.

It's been a while since I saw the classic animation (though the goddamn title song won't leave my head for a month once I hear it), but as I recall, the plot went something like this:

Rudolph is a mutant reindeer, whose nose glows from some unidentified power source, possibly an industrial laser ruby. Everyone laughs at him, he's shunned by the "normal" folks ("normal" meaning elves, the latest incarnation of the Holly King, and talking reindeer - which, now I think of it, would seem to redefine "normal"); he runs away and has adventures, and then someone realizes Laser-Nose would be good for cutting through a Christmas Eve fogbank, so he's asked to lead the reindeer team. He acquiesces, and saves Christmas for millions of grub-handed brats around the world.

Now, I think there's probably some Rudolph in all of us, which is why that damn primitive claymation show is so fucking popular. So popular, in fact, that it actually added to the mythology of Christmas, which is something old Frosty never quite managed to do. Hell, I used to watch it every year when I was a kid, even though I never celebrated Christmas. ("The House Without a Christmas Tree" always pissed me off.)

But something always bugged me about it, even then. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on...

Then, when I was in my teens, it hit me.

Rudy, dude, what the fuck were you thinking?

No one liked your nose. I mean, your parents made you cover the honker up with a fake one! People shrank from you in fear, because you were different! They didn't like you!

Until that fateful night when Santa Claus decided that your mutation would actually be useful to him. And then you nearly fell antlers over hooves to kiss his fat white ass and hitch yourself to a harness, enslaving yourself for all time to The Man. One minute: shunned, feared outcast. The next? You're everyone's favorite reindeer because now they can use you.

Fuck that shit.

If I were Rudolph, and Santa Claus came up to me and said, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" I'd be like:

"You have got to be kidding me. You are kidding, right? For years, you guys laughed at me, kicked me around, and told the other reindeer not to play Monopoly with me. Now all of a sudden you decide I'm useful to you and you're all kissy-kissy?

"Well, fuck that, you big fat schmuck. Kiss my glowing, red ass! Fuck you, fuck the goddamn stupid greedy kids, fuck your simpering sweatshop elves, and fuck Mrs. Claus. Oh, never mind; I saw Donner and Blitzen taking care of that last night! Nootch!

"The way you've been treating me, I'd be tempted to chew through the harness and fly away, right when I'm about to guide you smack into the side of a mountain. And that would serve you right, Kris 'I'm so cool I can fly around the world in a night' Kringle. But no. I'm not going to do that; you know why? One, you ain't getting me in that harness for two seconds, let alone enough time to find a mountain far enough away that they'll never find your bloated body; and two, I want you to live with the knowledge that the children of the world are going to curse your name for decades, remembering for the rest of their lives the Night That Santa Was Too Big A Wussy To Fly Through The Fog.

"So, no, Tubby, I won't be guiding your fucking sleigh tonight, or ever. I'm going where I'm wanted for me, not for how fucking useful my schnoz is.

"I hear Magneto's hiring, so suck my big, fat, glowing, red, reindeer cock."

Then I'd take off and join the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

Nootch.