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a brief window into the wretched world of telemarketing |
âWeâre sorry. The number you dialed is no longer in service at this time. If you feel youâve reached this message in error, please hang up the phone and try again.â Just what I was looking to hear. That is, I was looking to hear that I didnât have to talk to anybody. âWeâre sorry. The number you dialed is no longer in service at this time. If you feel youâve reached this message in error, please hang up the phone and try again.â There it goes again. One more time I think. âWeâre sorry. The number you dialed is no longer in service at this time. Goodbye.â Now just silenceâbut I donât hang up the phone, hell no, I can ride this one out another three minutes easy. Iâm beating a rhythm out against my desk, contemplating the silent phone line, as I hear Slick Ivan, two desks down, pitching his line to some guy in Missouri. âThis is gonna change your life! Just let me ask one question, ok?ââsaying âoneâ really slowly and âok?â in a bright, chipper toneââWhatâŠwould you sayâŠif I told youâŠthere was a wayâŠto make moneyâŠandââdragging out the âandâ, recalling the rest of the script from the place in his mind where itâs been eternally burnedââ there was no risk?...ââhe leaves the guy on the other end of the phone half a second to think, and maybe say a few words, and continues railing awayââAlrightâŠwellâŠI canât for the life of me see what there is to think about!â All the while, he gesticulates with his right hand, pointing his finger in a tense, slightly-curled point, and heâs slamming his fist down on the desk in a rhythm, the same rhythm with which heâs reciting the script, from memory, brightening the tone on each keyword, all of which strategically fall on the beat as well. âStay with me Richard. Richard?...Richard, this is gonna change your life, Iâm tellinâ yaââan amiable smile infecting his snout, as though Richard can see him smilingââRichard? Richard? Dammit! I had him! He pulled over his truck and everythingâŠugh!ââhis arms frustratedly waving through the air. He turns to walk away, sullenly muttering âwas gonna do a check by phoneâ to himself, but then abruptly turns around with a huge smile on his face, yelling âall right, somebody get me a tapeâŠnow Iâm pumped up, gonna get me a sale!ââshouting âsaleâ emphatically, his open palm falling to the desk with a crash, and he heads towards the back office, both hands behind the back of his head as he swaggers off, muttering to himself some complaint regarding Richard. What he means by âtapeâ is this: Our goal as âdialersâ, a prestigious title I know, is to get these fools on the other end of the phone to listen to an audio-cassette, outlining the supposed âlife-changingâ business plan. After they listen to this âtapeâ, a âcloserâ takes over the call. The closer explains that Tyler had to take an incoming call and introduces themselves (I was really only making more, unsolicited calls in other states at that point). Ideally, the closer badgers the weak-minded individual on the phone into spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars on some start-up package, to get them on the road to âfinancial freedomâ. So when this slick-looking character named Ivan is saying âget me a tapeâ, what he really means, but doesnât say, is: âget me an imbecile, whoâs gonna drop 600 bucks into this business, on the phone, after hearing about it for 20 minutes, from two pushy telemarketersâŠsometimes even three.â I look at the call length on my telephone at my âown deskâ, one of the supposed perks of this job, as it was explained to me on my first day (pah, my own desk)âand decide Iâve pushed it far enough, they might notice that I havenât dialed anyone in 5 minutes and 36 seconds, so I hang up and dial another number, hoping for the machine. I remember Suzanne, the top dialer, with trophies strewn about her âown deskâ, telling me, on my first day, how great this job is. âItâs really easyâŠthis job. I mean, if you think about itâŠwhat are you doing all day? Youâre just talking to peopleâŠI mean itâs that simple. You get to come in here,ââshe cheerfully gestures around the room with her arms, an eerie smile on her face, seemingly not belonging to her at allââin this air conditioned office...and believe me, youâll be thankful for that in the summertimeâŠââand Iâm thinking to myself âthereâs no way in hell Iâll be here in three weeks, let alone the summertime, 7 months awayââshe keeps talking, jerking her head around, in any random direction at the start of each little phrase, emphasizing certain words in that manner I supposeâââŠwhen itâs 110 degrees, believe meââshe says âbelieve meâ too damn many times for me to believe herââAnd you get to sit in this nice comfortable chair, and all youâre doing is talking to peopleââin a nostalgic toneââand you can make a ton of moneyâââsure, if youâre into ripping people off on a daily basisâ, I think to myself, but she goes onââitâs really a cake job, and you can make it funâŠhave fun with the people, you can joke around with em, ya knowâŠand if theyâre rude, donât take the abuse, you can hang right up on emâŠyouâre better than thatâŠyou donât have to take any abuse from them, understand?âââThey must deal with a lot of insecure fucks at this job, the way they keep catering to my emotions, geezâŠâââYeah, Iâm not too worried about itâ, I replyââAnd you just sit at your own deskââbig emphasis on âownâââitâs yours, ya knowâŠyou sit at the same one every dayâââawesome, right next to this fucking nut-caseâââand you just talk to peopleâŠthatâs the job, itâs that simpleâŠand you can make a ton of money, believe meâ Across the room I see Michelle, leaning her forehead into her hands, her elbows propped up on the desk, and sheâs saying, to herself but loud enough for everyone to hear, âI donât wanna be here todayâ, the distress at the prospect of being trapped in this wretched room for six hours more clearly expressed through, not only her words, but her defeated body language. âThatâs no attitude to haveâŠyouâre just setting yourself up for defeatââa knowing grin of arrogance showing on Bradâs dumb face, his beady eyes, cutting into Michelleâs, whoâs now looking up, meeting his challenge, his bald head gleaming in the fluorescent lighting, his whole head taking on a goofy expression and nodding up and down like a bobble-head dollââIf you start thinking like thatâŠ.thereâs no way that youâre gonna make any salesâŠyouâve just gotta think positiveâŠcome on, think positive and youâll be positive.â Brad doesnât make very many sales due to his inadequate supply of good brain cells, and clearly feels clever at his previous remark, his face arrogantly beaming, although itâs the same dribble that all these imbeciles feed off of and repeat to each other all day, like the mindless drones theyâve been modeled after. âYou know what?...Youâre right BradââMichelleâs eyeâs light up as her head nods agreementââIâmâŠready to goââdragging âIâmâ out slowly, but âready to goâ coming out so fast, itâs almost like one, quickly uttered, little word, and she goes onââletâs do this!ââher face is fucking glowing now, she really buys this trashââBradâŠIâm gonna get four sales todayâŠyou hear that? FOUR SALES!â âThatâs more like itâŠnow Iâm pumped up!â Brad nods his approval, only itâs a more reasonable, steady nod, not that bo-jangled madness he was pulling before. I donât know why but they love saying thatââIâm pumped upâ, and the âupâ is always shouted as they twist their heads about from the neck, to give the word âupâ more emphasis. âCome on team!â Slick Ivan enthusiastically shouts out to the whole room, having re-emerged from his office. âLetâs get excited! Michelle, thatâs what I like to hear, but why shoot for four, I mean, you could get six sales easy. Shoot for the stars and youâll be a star.â Heâs giving her the double thumbs up and forcing a natural looking smile on his pampered face. His shoulder-length, dark hair is slicked back with some kind of greasy, hair-stiffening product, a heavy silver chain around his tanned neck, falling to his shaved chest, exposed by his crisp looking white shirt with the raised collar that has the top three buttons un-done. It looks as though heâs got makeup on his face and heâs always looking at himself in the mirror that takes up the entire back wall of the room. âNo ah donât wone staaart no dern business!âŠan yer a damn liar inywayâ The voice in the phone, from Alabama, drawls out at me, then I hear the dial tone for 20 seconds or so, then the line goes blank and I continue drumming on my desk to the shitty hip-hop blasting through the speak above my head, the fools around me still pitching their lines. I know that Ivan can listen in to anybodyâs phone call with the cordless phone thatâs usually hanging off the side of his pocket, and Iâm looking around for him, or at least the phone, so I can see if heâs listening in on somebody or notâŠheâs nowhere to be seenâŠmy phone tells me this call has lasted 4 minutes and six secondsâŠâwhereâs Ivanâ Iâm thinking nervously, but then I spot the cordless phone in the middle of the room an on empty desk, and I keep drumming with out a worry. Lisa, the girl, well, the slow, middle-aged woman, who sits across from me, shoots me a look like she knows what Iâm up to, but thatâs just fine with me, I know sheâll keep her mouth shut. âMake any sales yet Tyler?â she inquires with a smirk. âNope⊠I keep getting answering machines today.â âWellâŠyou gotta make calls to make salesâ, she sarcastically states. I see sheâs being stubborn, so I casually, as if it wasnât because of her pushiness, hang up the phone and dial a new numberâŠitâs an answering machine but I pitch the line before it even beeps the first time and hang up, acting frustrated as if theyâd just hung up on me. âDonât get upset Tylerâ Suzanne, in a soft tone, cuts in. âIt took me three weeks before I even got my first saleâŠand now look at me!â she gestures towards her trophies, then abruptly loses interest in me, pitching her line to yet another annoyed resident, who promptly hangs up on her with a sly insult. âSeeâŠthey even hang up on meââshe pointâs to herself with feelingââitâs just part of the job, but you can make some money when you get the hang of it.â âDonât worry about meâŠIâve got thick skin, Iâm not gonna shoot myself because somebody I donât even know hung up on me.â âDonât say things like that Tyler, it makes me worry aboutââ she looks abruptly away, a strange focus coming into her faceââHi, Kim? Kim, how are you doing on this fine day?ââshe says âKimâ as though sheâs known her for yearsââMy name is SuzanneâŠand the reason Iâm calling today Kim, is because you had shown an interest in generating some extra money from home, andâŠI was just callingâŠto help you with thatâŠSo KimâŠDo you have a few minutes?ââshe pauses briefly, listening for their responseââGreat!...what weâve got hereâŠis aââ Her voice blends in with the murmur of the room, like a single frogâs croak in the softly gurgling night, and I go on with my drumming, watching the seconds on my newest call tick by. Suddenly the hip-hop stops and Iâm still drumming to the old beat but I hear that Ivan has put on his favorite mix-cd, with Eye of the Tiger starting it off, and heâs turned it way up. âHere we go!â he shouts over the blaring music, with a loud clap of his hands âLetâs do this!...The bloods flowing now people!ââHe claps his hands againââLetâs go!...get excited!â Ten seconds or so go by and now Ivanâs romping around, tossing little âfive-hour energyâ drinks to everyone, throwing one to me, underhand from across the room. âDrink it like a shotâ, he encourages us all, âall of itâŠall of it at onceâŠdonât leave any in the bottle or it wonât workâ, heâs all smiles, but thatâs nothing out of the ordinaryâŠheâs always got a fake smile on his face...he doesnât even have to force it anymore, it just comes of itâs own accord. âUghâŠit tastes like cough syrupâ I hear Michelle complain across the room. âYou didnât like cheap vodka the first time you drank it, did you?ââI jeer at her in a sarcastic, but friendly toneââor the taste of crack, for that matter.â She ignores the somewhat rude supplement to my original sarcasm. âTyler you canât say things like that around hereâ Suzanne lectures, irritated. âThereâs a-lot of people here recovering from things like thatâŠyou just tempt them when you say those things.â I hadnât thought of that before but it certainly seemed feasible. I didnât mention crack again. âAre you ready to rock!â Brad demands of Michelle. âIâm ready to roll baby!â Now the theme to Rocky is going, not Eye of the Tiger, the other one, and Ivanâs humming âda, da, daâŠ.da, da, daâ, nodding his head to the beat. âLetâs goâŠnext deal getâs 20 bones!...Letâs go!ââanother enthusiastic clapââIâm âa close somebodyâŠIâm pumped now!ââheâs moving his shoulders like a boxer in trainingââyou like that 5 hour, huhâ he says with a cocky, sideways smirk. What zeal this Ivan seems to speak withâŠthe worst thing about it is that I know itâs all a show; the forced smile, the strained enthusiasm; the overfriendly attitude; the encouraging one-liners; his whole fucking personality. He probably goes back to his office intermittently, throughout the day, and weeps, his tears streaking through his makeup (makeup that he thinks goes un-noticed), as he turns a loaded revolver over in his hands. Actually, with him, itâs probably more like a loaded glockâŠmuch more stylish. Heâs all about style. How can he come into work everyday, living such a lie the whole time heâs here, just to sell some forsaken business to unsuspecting, broke, middle-aged couples, and slow-witted, easily-conquested, retirees, stealing their money while helping some massive bank conglomerate profit on their lossâsickening, the whole affairâthe whole job. |