Night of the Living Lord

Now after the sabbath, toward the dawn of the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary and Salome and that one dame with the sloppy cans went to the sepulcher with spices so that they might go and "anoint" Him. They arrived at the tomb, and they were saying to one another, "Who will roll away the stone from the door of the tomb for us?"

And behold, there was a great earthquake; for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled back the stone, and sat upon it. His appearance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow. He rolled and lit a cigarette while the women stared, amazed at what they had seen. And lo, he scowled and said to them, "What?"

Mary (Magdalene, not the other one) stepped forward and said "We have come to anoint our Lord with spices and oils. Who art thou and wherefore art thou here?"

The angel took a long slow drag on his cigarette and stared at the women until they began to shift uncomfortably. He sighed and said, flatly, "Lo. I am an angel of the Lord, blah, blah, blah. Do not be amazed; for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for He has risen, as He said he would. You don't want to go in there. Trust me on this one."

Mary stomped her foot and said "But we walked all morning to get here. There's no way in hell we're not going in there. His body has been guarded these three days by the Pharisees. You're totally bullshitting us. Just because you appeared from nowhere after an earthquake and rolled away a stone the size of a manger doesn't make you the boss of us. We have to go in."

The angel of the Lord rolled his eyes. "Ooookaaay. Someone's an impetuous whore. Go on then. Just don't say I didn't warn you."

Mary, Mary, and Salome stomped past him into the cave, while the broad with the sloppy cans stopped to bum a cigarette from the angel.

The women stopped in horror at the scene before them. The Pharisee guards lay on the floor, their mangled bodies having been gnawed on as by a wild animal. Their brain-pans were cleft in twain, and naught but a few greasy remains were left of their precious gray matter. Salome shrieked and fell to the ground as though she too were dead. "I told them," the angel sighed, giving the broad with the sloppy cans the Eye. "You wanna go somewhere, toots? I've got a golden spear you just gotta see."

The broad with the sloppy cans raised an eyebrow and said, "Why not? My name's Theresa, by the way—not 'Toots'."

As soon as Salome had been revived and long after the angel had departed, the women raced to Galilee with great fear to tell the disciples what they had seen. They went to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus "loved", and said to them, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid him. They must have had some horrid beast with them. The Pharisees were…everywhere…" she sobbed, rending her hair and clothing.

Peter then pimp slapped Mary Magdelene, who was hysterical, and said, "Lo, whore, thou art full of shit." Then Peter came out with the other disciple, and they went toward the tomb. They both ran, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first, and stooping to look in, he saw the bloody linen cloths lying there, but he did not go in. Then Simon Peter came, following him, and went into the tomb; he saw the linen cloths lying, and the bodies of the guards, beginning to molder, and the napkin, which Jesus insisted on wearing on His head folded in the fashion of a pirate hat, not lying with the linen cloths but rolled up in a place by itself. Then the other disciple, who reached the tomb first, also went in, and he saw and believed; for as yet they did not know the scripture, that He must rise from the dead. Then the disciples went back to their homes.
But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb, and as she wept she stooped to look into the tomb; and she saw two angels in white, sitting where the body of Jesus had lain, one at the head and one at the feet. They were smoking a joint. They said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping? Seriously, you're harshing the vibe."
She said to them, "Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him." Saying this, she turned round and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus.
Jesus said to her, "Woman, why are you weeping? Whom do you seek?" Supposing him to be the gardener, "Hay-zoose", she said to him, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away. I won't even report you to immigration."
Jesus said to her, "Mary, come to me."
She turned and said to him in Hebrew, "Rab-bo'ni!" (which means Ravioli).
Jesus took her, weeping, into his arms, saying "There, there, Mary. There is no need to cry. All I ask of you is your BRAINS!" He fell upon her and savagely began to tear at her with his teeth until she stopped screaming.
The other Mary, who had seen the whole thing, raced once again to Galilee to tell the disciples. None of them believed her tale. "I am telling you, I have seen the Lord!" She wailed. "And He's got a hunger for human brains!"
"Yeah, sure, Mary. Jesus is a zombie. Pull the other one. It's got bells on," Thomas chuckled. As he said this, Jesus burst forth from the door, roaring and covered in blood. He grabbed Thomas and began chewing on his face.
The disciple known as Bruce grabbed his shotgun and blew off the Savior's face. He grabbed Mary, dipped her, crooned "Amen, baby," and gave her a long kiss.

This is the gospel according to Ted. Amen.