Acceptance of love- My Mental Darkness

ACCEPTANCE:
The act of accepting with approval-favorable reception-
The state of being acceptable and    accepted -
A disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations -
The act of taking something that is    offered -
The mental attitude that something is believable and should be accepted as true -



Wow what a word, acceptance, it can go so deep in someone's soul. How hard have you tried to be accepted? When you were finally accepted how did it feel? What did it feel like when you were not accepted? Have you seen someone go too far for acceptance? Well,I am going to write about a young lady who has attempted to receive acceptance and doesn't care how she gets it. People don't think about the consequences of their actions. They don't care who they hurt in the process either. As you read this story of acceptance,I want you to think about what you have done to be accepted and what was the conclusion. Who did you hurt and who was lost from your life after you were accepted? So sit back and hold on, cause your about to hear some really deep situations that will make you wonder, how important is acceptance. This story is a true one,some names have been changed.


Mental Darkness
Acceptance of Love;

There was this young girl at the age of 10, she was so unhappy. Her name was Miranda, and she felt so odd and out of place. Her mom met someone new and he was an angry man, his name was Dan. He loved having control; she already had her own personal problems, such as being sexually abused by her dad. She already was a sad little girl and wanted to be happy and make friends. This man already threatened her and said, "call me dad". She did not want to but was to afraid not to. He lived off other peoples fear of him and it worked. Everyone was afraid of him; she even believed that her mom was afraid to. One day while she was in the backyard with her brother Mike,she saw her "dad" peaking through her bedroom window. The first thing she thought of was whats he doing in her bedroom. She was playing with some tools and Mike was picking plants out of the garden that was not ours but the downstairs tenants. He yelled from the window to come inside. As Miranda and her little brother at the age of five, walked up the stairs to go inside, she said to him, "don't worry he wont hit us." As soon as she went to open the door Dan opened it and told mike to go in the bedroom and Miranda on the pull out couch. He started spanking her and said hold on. He got his belt and started whipping her; it was over the fact that she was not watching Mike. She thought he was done and went to turn over and then whack! He whipped her on the side of her hip. It left a big bruise and hurt a lot.

Late that night when her mom came home, she was called in the kitchen. They told her to run away, so Miranda did. She got all her toys, clothes and packed up. She started running away; she was going to hide by seven eleven. There was a dumpster and a gate around it, usually the gate was open. As she was walking to the dumpster, a lady by the payphone stopped her and asked her where she was going. She said to that lady about her parents telling her to runaway and showed the lady the bruise. She said to Miranda, "go back home, I am going to call the police." Miranda told her that she didn't want to go back home, after a little insisting from that lady, Miranda went home. Miranda saw these so called parents in the street looking for her. So here she was in the living room with her mom and Dan. They went through all her stuff and told her she can only take what ever grandma, (her mom's mom) gave you, "anything we bought for you that stays here". She ended going back to her bedroom, that's until the cops showed up. They came in and saw her bruise. Dan got community service and he had to go too counseling. Mom did not press charges because she just got done with sending her dad to prison for sexually abusing her. She did not want to go through all that again, she just sat there. She let Dan have control, something he will have and no one will take away. He got a smack on the hand! As time went on so did the hell, its not easy living with a man that likes to beat, control and degrade. Miranda made few friends and had low self esteem. Her abuse just made it worse. She hated going home and she found out that the more she did wrong the more attention she got. She never got told, "I love you or I am sorry." She never got hugged or felt wanted. Then her mom ended up getting pregnant with her third child, Susie. Miranda was upset, that meant that Dan was going no where now.

Miranda met Dan's mom, who she called grandma with out hesitation. So now she had two grandmas, it can be fun, hey you get more presents. Her mom ended up getting married to Dan when she was thirteen and they all moved in with grandma. They all lived happy ever after; no think again. She got married to the man that was going to make her life a living hell. Yes, her grandma was a godsend, she loved her grandma more then life. Yet, the abuse never ended, the fear that he built in Miranda and Mike was very strong. When he would come home, they would go to their bedrooms and hide.

In a matter of time her mom had her forth child, Angelica. Of course how it goes is that he treated his own kids better then the "step-kids". He would even say that he had 2 kids and not 4. At one point he did try adopting Miranda and Mike, but because Miranda said no, he could not adopt them. She is pretty sure he got more angry over that situation, he lost is power, I held the power by saying no. So she got beat more and so did Mike. He always beat them with his hand; he was 400 lbs so one hit was like hitting a cement door. Her mom was never there to protect her "other" two kids from the beatings. He had so much control that he would punish Mike by not giving him dinner, so they would sneak it to him, when the "step-father" was asleep.

The one of some good things that came out of all this was her new grandma, Elizabeth. She looked at her grandma more like a mom. She was there raising her and the other 3 siblings, trying to do the best she can do with us. In the end Elizabeth was the best thing that happened to Miranda. She always fought with her parents plus she was the oldest and had to clean the house, take care of her siblings. She never experienced being a teen and just having fun. Her rebellious side wanted to come out so bad. She did anything to get out of the house. She even got a job at 14, going door to door for MS. She went to Christian camp and the last 2 years she worked for them. She ran away or stayed at the park playing basketball, she would take her time coming home. She just wanted a different family, she wanted an escape. By the time she was 18 she slashed out at her dad. She was done being afraid of him. She still got beat by him till she was in early 20's but showed no fear.

As a little girl, like I mentioned she was sexually abused by her real father, she was brought in this world so corruptly. All she knew was that both "dads" either beat her or used her body wrong. What was love, what did it feel like? She imagined it was beautiful and figured she would never experience anything like it. She was very doubtful about the word "love". She did hope one day she would find it and when she did never let it go. As a child she would tell other class mates that she was abused hoping to find a friend to lean on, it just made going to school worse. By the time she got to high school, everyone knew about her abuse. They used it against her and made her life a living hell. Here she was in a family she did not want to be in. She wanted to be accepted; she wanted the love she never received. Her job was to find that love, but how? Where do you start, who do you go too? Thank God for music, for that was the best escape she could ever find. She also loved walking and playing basketball, which are two very good escapes, especially basketball. All that anger goes out on the ball, all that frustration. Her parents gave her the big glasses and that dorky hair cut. She was not popular at all, yet she yearned for some attention so bad. It was not in her to be this popular girl with all the friends. She had to do something, anything to gain the attention she was searching for. She wanted to be noticed, by someone, anyone.

At 16, her flower starts to blossom, her rebellious self starts seeping out, little by little. She had her first cigarette and her first kiss at this age. This boy introduced her to the bases of the field, if you know what I mean. At first, it was scary, this is her body, and no one has a right to see it. She realized this is what needs to be done, if she says no, she is back to square one. She wants to be loved and is willing to sacrifice anything to get it. He says, "I think you're beautiful", he dances with her and makes her feel like she is the only one he loves and cares for. Every time he would compliment her, she would kiss him. She was afraid to go further, she wanted attention, but when is it enough. Is there a line you don't cross or a limit of attention? How do you know when you have gone too far? For Miranda, it would be too late to realize she went too far. Well, that relationship did not go any further because she would not do anything to him that made her feel uncomfortable. There was one time though he asked her two questions that she could not answer successfully. The first was, "Why do you like to make out so much?" and "Why do you love me?". For the fist question, he introduced the making out with her, it was new to her and she wanted more. She loved getting this attention, it made her feel wanted. She answered the second question, "I love you because you make me happy and laugh". Of course he asked that after he realized he was not going to get her to do anything to him, at least not when he wanted it to happen. Her mom did not help; she was a freak in her own way. She would come home from dates and she would ask what happened and if he tried to do this and that. She would get too personal. She started looking at her like an aunt more then a mom. Someone that brought the money to the table and etc. She sure did not feel protected by her when she was at home.

So, that was her first experience with a boyfriend. She then realized to get attention she was going to have to do more to get the love or attention she's looking for. She started pleasing random men, they would do nothing to her, and she would sexually please them. There was another boy she liked but nothing ever happened. He was a black boy; her step-father was prejudice, so that was her first time sneaking off out of the house. He was sweet, he plucked a flower off someone's yard, and hey it was the thought that counts. He would hold her hand and showed that he cared about her with out doing anything more then a kiss on the lips. When he left the picture, she never met another nice man such as this one, at least not for a long time. At 17 is when the mental darkness started. She met a boy and had intercourse for the first time. It opened a new doorway to attention and the closes thing she could relate to love. She would sneak off at night several times a week to see this boy. Then she would start meeting other males around her age and smoke weed. She would have intercourse with several men at a time. They have names for such things, but in her mind she was just looking to be loved and accepted. These men accepted her and gave her attention. It might not have been the best attention but it was attention. Thank God she never got pregnant, or caught any life threatening disease. There was another boyfriend she had while she was doing all of this, she had to break up with him. She felt so guilty for being his girl and then playing around behind his back. There was one man that wanted her to stop playing and be his girl. She said no to him, that a relationship was not an option for her; she needed this kind of attention from more then one man.

Her heart hurt and she still went too church and even got baptized, thinking that it will help her behave. It just got worse after the baptizing. She was a Christian; it was like she lived two lives. It is easy to do, if you don't have a conscience. She had one and it was big and she had two little sisters looking up to her. What kind of role model was she to them? She prayed to God that they would not end up like her, lost in this attention and not knowing how to get rid of this new addiction in her life, sex. She went to school and stayed to her self. No one really knew what was going on with her life, she liked it that way. She still did not feel accepted at school though; she wanted that to change so badly. So she started cutting classes and smoking weed. She chose certain men to do things under the bleachers with or in the bathroom at the end of the school day. Like this one time, she was walking up the stairs and this girl came down with a weird look on her face. When Miranda got to the floor, this guy came out of the men's bathroom and asked me to come in. Apparently he asked the girl that she just saw walking down stairs and she said no. So he asked Miranda to please him, this time she said no. In matter of fact she went and told on him, he had detention for a long time! She wishes she could be like that more. She tried being part of certain clicks; the two major ones she tried getting into were the Pot Heads and the Goths. The Pot Heads fit better, being Goth did not work for her. Have you tried sweating with that entire black make up on and the black clothes! She never truly ever felt accepted, no matter what she did or who for that matter. She was picked on a lot in school. If only they knew her outside of the school walls. Would they accept her if they knew? No one really knew her metal darkness that was burning a hole in her heart.

She finally realized that she would never be accepted at her school and so she never really found close friends she could confide in. She wanted to tell someone her dark secrets and things she had done. She made a close friend named Sammy, she was a crazy chick. She didn't do any drugs and had a boyfriend at the time. She ended up being her escape, which got her out of that house she hated so much. Sammy was hot and Donna did not feel like she was beautiful at all. This chick made her feel like she was beautiful and even kissed her. Sammy and her family made her feel accepted and wanted. Well, before all of that she did realize that she had a feeling of liking girls. It freaked her out so bad that she cried to her friend at school, in the cafe. She had her first kiss at the age of 18 with a girl. It was so soft and not like the men. The men was ruff and emotionless. Woman had this touch that said I am not going to use you or hurt you. She wished she had more experiences with woman, but the men were easier to find and give her that fix she feaned for. She started making friends in a different town; they accepted her as the "White Girl". Yea, it was a ghetto town and she really loved it there. It was a hiding place from her family and she had a blast. She would get drunk and smoke blunts. She would have sex while not being judged and she would smoke weed which made her feel part of the group. I bet to this day, if she did not pick up that blunt or drink that bottle, they would not have kicked her out. She would have felt strange, being the only sober one there. Did she feel accepted now? Well, much to say she was content with her friends and she had fun, isn't that what matters most? She still had a lot to learn about life. She knew she had a thing for girls, not many knew about this secret. Eventually people started getting the hint that she did have a liking for the same sex. She went on dates with a couple of girls but it was never a big relationship, just an experience never to forget.

She ended up meeting this chick named Lilia at her job and they became really close. Miranda would hang out with her in the city and see village bands. She finally met someone where she can be her self. Then she met Lilia's friend Emily. Emily was a little nerdy, but cool, probably cause she did not smoke weed and drink at first. They ended up being really close friends, yea eventually they all smoked weed, but now a days, who doesn't, right? They had a blast while not even being high or drunk. You know who your real friends are when you can have a good time with them and be sober. These two people were going to help Miranda get out of her situation, that she was in. Lets not forget Miranda's friend Kagun, he was with her while she was doing everything wrong. Miranda met Kagun in Freeport where everyone hung out and drank and all. They were not really close in the beginning, but the friendship just got stronger and stronger. He did not care what she did wrong, he loved her. Now that is a friend if I say so! She was never home, with these new people in her life. She either ran away to Freeport and spends weeks or weekends there. Or she camped out with Lilia and Emily for the weekend. She believed if you don't like your situation, change it. She even found a job corps to go too in Cassadgaga, NY. It was in the paper with big letters; GET YOUR CERTIFICATE HERE, 18 TO 26. Miranda called that number before she could even blink.

She grew up and traveled to different places and experienced different things, she still had sex the same but Job Corps was an experience that she won't forget. She still has some addresses from some of the people she met. She was there about a year and half. She got a certificate in Secretary. She already had some certificates from when she went to BOCES from back at home. Sammy did help her go to programs to get certificates in certain things but she never really had the experience to get a decent job. People wanted to hire experience and not someone that is new to the office field. Job Corps though was awesome; she got her permit in driving there and won awards for certain things. She was the only white girl there who was different but cool. She didn't care what color you were as long as you were my friend and respected me. They would have little party's in the gym and Miranda would go too the DJ, requesting music. The thing was the music she requested was white and that was not going to happen. So she accepted that fact and learned to dance to the hip hop. She then became the "white girl". She got down for a white girl; she learned Spanish dancing and reggae, etc.

Everything was fine until she liked a guy, you know how that goes. He came back with his family there because he was graduating and he wanted her to come back with him to his hotel room. So being that she liked him, she went. That was a nightmare from hell; she should have stayed at the job corps. Just imagine what happens when you have a girl in a room with guys and all they want is some action. You are not allowed to have sex on the job corps, so here they were off the site. Thank god not much happened but enough happened, she did have sex with that guy that invited her. She did please some guys and others pleased her. Thank God she did not get raped or anything along those lines, it could have very easily been done. It was more like them looking at her body naked and telling her that she was beautiful. She felt like shit on the bottom of a shoe. When she got back from the hotel, the whole place knew and made up stories to make it sound more interesting. The only friend she had that would be there for her was Taureen. She was my angel in disguise; she was at my side through the whole thing. Time went on and so did the looks, people eventually would stop teasing me. Then this man came to job corps and his name was Sean. People would go up to him and try to tell him what she had done, but he would not listen. He accepted her for who she is and not for what she was. They ended up dating and he helped her feel comfortable again in bed with a man, we would go off campus to his mom's house on the weekends. He accepted her and that was awesome, he did have a couple of red flags she should have noticed. He did not like her wearing makeup or wearing anything sexy. Then again he would have her do things that she would never do! For example; we would run backwards to school, silly things such as that. He made her not care what others thank about her. Again everything was going great, until the security officers caught Miranda and Sean fooling around on campus. They told her that she can complete her schooling, and then go home. Sean stayed; they made him clean the campus for weeks. He tried doing everything to get kicked off because of what they did. Apparently they lied and said there was a camera watching them, there was no such thing.

So that was Miranda's first real heart break she would not see him for a year, after she left he ended up getting transferred to Indiana in a apartment. After he got settled, he came to see Miranda and meet her family. When She came back home, her family had a new house, down the street. During that year away from Sean, Miranda was heart broken; all she could do was think of him. The time came when Miranda told Sean that she needs to move on with her life and go meet people. The thing was; she missed going out on dates and such. So she lost contact with him until he said," I am coming up there to see you and meet your family". She told her mom that she would not go with him back to Indiana, but Miranda lied. She lost everything just to have this man, it was not worth it. Then again, everyone needs to live and learn. So on the bus to Indiana; she realized she made a mistake. It was a little too late, here she was in Indiana. When she arrived to the apartment, with his roommate Jim, there was weed there. From day one, it was all about drugs, sex and rock 'n' roll. That was her time to experience acid and certain pills. It was a time of her life that she won't forget. Living with two guys was interesting, a lot of cold pizza and dishes! I will share with you one of her experiences on acid....Miranda was laying on the couch crying, holding her belly saying, "I am never going to have kids". Then you have Sean who is jumping from couch to couch just laughing and having a grand ole' time. Jim was playing video games at the time of all of this. They were all on another planet, and then Miranda saw the front door opening. Who ever that person was just looked at them and closed the door.

Eventually Sean wanted to move to Buffalo and he gave Miranda a choice. You can stay here, come with me, or move back home to NY. Before she made her choice, three black crows flew above her making there sounds. She should have taken that as a warning, because she made a choice and moved with Sean to his home to Buffalo. That is when hell started and misery began. Slowly and shortly his control got worse and his abuse became to be who he was. He ended up strangling Miranda, She figured she is stuck, and to just deal with it. He slapped her once and strangled her about 5 times. Even his mom told Miranda to leave; it was too dangerous for her to stick around. One time Miranda asked Sean why does he strangle her and he replied, "I have control when I do, I could break your face if I punched you". Well that's not true because one time he made her pass-out. So eventually Miranda called her mom and told her what was going on. As soon as her mom found out, she sent Miranda a ticket home.

She was relieved to leave and go home where it was safe. She did have 2 panic attacks when a guy would flirt with her. She had a tough time dating again. Eventually she did, after 2 years she was totally over him and ready to move on. The day she came home from the bad relationship in Buffalo was the day she realized she needed to change and start respecting her self more.

Wow, what an experience. Huh, she never went through that violence again. Her rebellious side simmered down a lot. Her grandma passed away, all she could remember was her grandma saying, "Make me proud". She still had that addiction to sex but did not go searching for it. If a man was attracted to her, she would have a relationship but sex was a big part of it. She still never really felt what love was. There was one guy she met who was in a band, Dan. It was a 9 month relationship which was a lot of fun. He brought her to all the wrestling shows and a circus. He treated her good, until she kissed another man. Her conscience was big so she told him. He still stayed with her, but not for long. He was an awesome experience but did not last. Then she met a chick at her job named Jen. She dated her which did not work out and then soon after moving to Florida and met this girl, Nicole. She moved there with Sammy and it was nice,a different environment. She ended up dating this chick for 2 1/2 years and it was a lot of up and downs. Miranda was cheated on and then it was just chaos till the end. There was some good in the relationship, like getting engaged to her. She had a lot of fun with her and there was tons of chemistry. I took her back after the cheating and got engaged again. Here we go again with choices, some we make with out thinking. Those choices end up being bad ones. There were a lot of mind games after that. Miranda tortured Nicole's heart for cheating on her, there was hardly any trust. Then months went by and she ended up in her third relationship with a woman that she thought cared for her and respected her. So just to say after five months of dating and living with her it did not work. She is so tired of finding someone and telling her that she is the one for them. This one in particular told her that she dreamt of Miranda or had visions but never knew who it was. This woman whose name was Clancy said she was visited every three years by a garden angel who had the same face as Miranda. Clancy would tell Miranda that she had visions of her and every time something bad would happen to her she would get a dream of it. Clancy said when she first saw her she wanted to faint, cause Miranda had the same face as her guardian angel that visited her. Miranda fell for it being naive and all. The thing was Miranda fell to hard and to fast. After seeing and hanging out with Clancy for a week, they moved in together, which is a story in itself. The point is Miranda wanted love so bad that she believe this chick and everything she was saying. She realized she made a mistake when they lived together with other people; again that's a story for another day. If you make choices with out thinking what good can come out of it. Now Miranda is done with games and people telling her that she is someone's soul mate and etc. So tired of mind games, all she wants is to be loved and give love back. She wants to give love to the one God wants her to love and not just anyone.

Miranda is still fighting off a lot of demons on her own. Sex is the last thing on her mind, but it is healthy for Miranda not having something that controls you. You need to control your habits and addictions. She is still working on it, but feels she is closer to acceptance of her self then she ever had in her entire life. She still has a lot of anger and self hate. She plans on working through it and finding peace with in her self one day. She found a place to go too counseling and she is single, which is wonderful, sometimes. All she wants or desires in her life is love, success and acceptance. She is learning to accept her self everyday. She is currently trying to heal her heart from Nicole, she still thinks of her and there is a part of her that misses the good times that they shared. Maybe because the sex was good, love can be confusing and sex can make your eyes blurry. You think you're in love with the person and then you wake up to realize maybe it was just the sex you miss. I know I fell inlove more then once,its when you know the relationship is over but you dont want to let go of the sex. Being that she has a problem with sex, she convinces her self to stay. She is trying so hard to heal her heart and the past that she wants to forget. Instead of forgetting it, she is writing it and trying to get closure.

Presently, she made friends with a girl named Melly; she is a deep thinker like her self. She doesn't know what will come out of meeting her, only that she wants right now is friendship. If the friendship is strong and the attraction is there, hey something might happen. Melly is so deep, she is a writer and just full of positive energy. Miranda will admit there is a connection, yet she got fooled so many times with false love. Everyday is a better day for Miranda, everyday she gets stronger in herself. When Miranda finally experiences love it's going to hit her like a ton of bricks. She believes it's out there and won't give up till she finds it. She will one day find someone that will love her unconditionally and accept her. One day she will find someone that will show her what real love is. Till then, she won't give up; she will probably get hurt again. That is what life is about. It's about getting hurt, healing, and learning to love again. If you find that person, please don't let them go, for you never know if you will ever find it again. I believe that God has more then one person for you to date but only one person he wants you to marry.


I really hope this story opens your eyes and heart. May God bless you and the love that you have for someone. It will happen in Gods time and not ours.

Donna May Leshnick "Miranda"