Faulty Consideration

Faulty Consideration

         "53 cents is your change. Your drink will be done ASAP!"

         I took the change from the Starbucks cashier and stood by the counter waiting for my drink. For a summer night on a weekday it was surprisingly calm and relatively quiet.

         My drink was prepared in no time flat, so I took a seat at one of the tables. I looked at my reflection in the polished surface of the picture that hung beside me. I saw a disheveled young man look back at me. My raven black hair was styled in a way that masked the real amount of time I spent on it. I saw a pair of boring, dull eyes look back and a few blemishes carefully concealed, hopefully not to be seen. I flashed a smile and saw my braces, which weren't so bad. All in all, I could do worse for appearances.

         "Are you admiring yourself for once?"

         I turned to see who it was.

         It was him!

         "Hi Ryan," I managed to say as I kept my excitement to a minimum.

         He gave me a quick smile and casually added, "I'm sorry I'm so late Jesse." There was something about his expression and tone that made me realize he meant it.

         He grabbed his drink and sat across from me. He looked handsome. I looked him in his deep blue eyes and immediately smiled. This caused him to smile too, and I saw his immaculately straight teeth. It was a flawless smile that I loved seeing. His hair was cut short, in a way that suited his appearance. I noticed a trace amount of stubble on his chin that made me giggle on the inside. It was cute to see.          

         We talked for a long time. Most of it was about the recent events in our lives. Ryan and I were friends in Junior High, but we went to different high schools. This was actually our first time meeting alone, as most of the time we hung out with others as a group. He always said we should get together, but I never really thought much about it. It wasn't until this past summer where I thought about hanging out with him. Mainly because he's the only guy who knows me as a person. Everyone else doesn't know one teeny tiny secret about me.

         I maybe, maybe, maybe, prefer boys to girls.

         He took this in stride and even reassured me. He told me that his respect for me hasn't faltered. I was so glad to have him there. It was this that ultimately brought me closer to him. Ryan is one of those affection people who hugs and gives without hesitation. Sure, he's among the higher class people at his school, but he never forgets about me. And he lets me know that on a regular basis. The fact is, even though I rely on him, he relies on me in a way I don't understand at all. But all I know is that he needs me. And I promised him I'd be there for him.

         "Jesse? Are you still there?" he said bringing me out of my thought provoking trance.

         "Of ... course Ryan!" I choked out. I wasn't prepared for what happened next though.

         "Ryan? Is that you?" I heard a girl's voice say.

         I turned around. It was Sarah. The girl Ryan had told me he had been pursuing indirectly. He ended up talking to me about his attempts to hang out with her before, but eventually ended up in hardships. I've never seen him so down before.

         "Hey Sarah!" Ryan said back in a chipper tone and a smile.

         She brought up a chair and sat down. She looked liked she was off the cover of one of those teen girl magazines. She wore a pair of low rise jeans, colorful sandals, and a brand name T-Shirt. The sad thing is she pulled it off flawlessly. Her face wasn't too bad either. Her make up was done nice enough and her platinum blonde hair was straightened to perfection.

         As much as she is a nice person, I didn't appreciate her stepping in on Ryan and Jesse time. However, I immediately thought of a counter to that argument. Should I let Ryan have his moment with the girl who has been playing hard to get for so long? It might be worth it to see his smile ...

         "Excuse me, but I have to use the rest room," I lied through a smile. They both smiled at me and acknowledged my presence at least. I threw out my cup and made my way to the bathroom which was located far enough from the table I was sitting at, but close enough to the exit.

         I paced around inside the rest room under the fluorescent lighting. I thought about some ideas that were running through my head. Should I go back and make nice-nice with Sarah? Should I just tell him how I feel about this? Should I ditch and not say anything?

         Actually, that last one sounds like a pretty daring idea.

         So I did.

         I peeked out of the restroom. They were both engaged in conversation. Sarah even took my seat, that bitch! I looked for an opportunity to rush for the exit. Fortunately that opportunity came in the form of a family of 5 going out the door. I casually walked in front of them and out the door. I quickly looked behind me and saw that neither of them were the wiser. I bolted it out of sight of Starbucks. I don't think I've ever ran so hard in my life.

         But now what was I supposed to do? I was supposed to spend the rest of the night with Ryan, but now that I've given him an opportunity, I guess I have to find another way to entertain myself. And I know just how to do that.

         Close by Starbucks is a park. It's close enough to walk to, but far enough that no one will suspect that I'm there. So that's my course of action.

         It was a pleasant walk surprisingly enough. The wind was fairly calm, which offset the mildly hot weather we were having today. My somewhat messy hair danced in the wind, as did my shorts and black V-Neck hoodie. I gotta say that even though Ryan might not have noticed my attire, I did. And I looked amazing.

         The park itself was deserted, which was perfect. I hated it when little kids were in the park at the same time I was. They'd give me the weirdest looks for being on the swings. It's not my fault I liked the swings! It's one of those things I enjoyed, so sue me!

         Luckily, there was no one to harass me, so I sat on the swings. I just sat there for a second, letting it all sink it. I ditched my best friend because I think it's for the better. In hindsight, that was a pretty dumb decision. But, I can't undo the past and I'm sure something will happen whether or not I like it.

         I was dumbfounded by a buzzing in my pocket though.

         It was Ryan. He sent me a text message.

         Shit. He noticed I was gone... Actually, how could he not notice I was gone? A seat ... More specifically the seat Sarah was sitting in has been empty for about 20 minutes now.

          I opened his message. It quite simple stated, "Where are you Jesse?"

         My heart sank a little bit. I quickly composed myself and sent him back a message that said, "Didn't wanna get in the way of you 2. Try to win her over okay? Have a good night regardless!"

         And with that I shut my phone off. I refused to be guilted even more than I feel at this moment. With nothing left to distract me, I began to pump. Little by little I swung higher and higher. It was an amazing feeling, although anything could make me feel better after the previous moment I had. I started to relay all the things that have made me happy in my life.

         One by one they flooded my head. A birthday outing with my best girl friend. The awards ceremony at my school where I received the award for music proficiency. And finally ... when Ryan first hugged me.

         "JESSE!" I heard a familiar voice shout.

         I came to a full stop. And at a distance I saw him. Ryan.

         The expression on my face could be described best as "deer caught in headlights".

         Even from a distance I could see his face. It was a mixture of concern and unimpressive ness. I didn't know what to do.

         My body however, knew exactly what to do. I got up and made a dash for it. I knew it was horrendously stupid to try and outrun someone, who for all their life has done sports. For the sake of my pride though, I should mention that I put up a good fight, keeping my distance from him for about a good minute or so. Longest minute of my life by the way.

         Eventually, he caught a hold of my hand and I was forced to look him in the eye. The concern was still there, but the un impressed look was replaced by something I had never seen before.

         Time decided to be an ass and stand still for a while. Eventually I saw his lips move and I was ready for the verbal beating of a life time.

         "Why, Jesse?" He said calmly, not letting go of my hand.

         'WHAT?!' I thought to myself.

         "Uhm. Wh... What do you mean?" I answered quite honestly.

         "The whole ditching thing ... I know she arrived un expectedly, but tonight was meant for us. You even made sure of that, trying to make sure I wasn't busy," He replied, not once looking away, and squeezing my hand when he said 'us'.

         I looked away, "I wanted you to be with Sarah I guess. I know that you've been having a hard time getting to her, so when this happened, I decided to overrule however I may feel about her interrupting and let her interfere. As much as it hurt me to let her in, I thought it would be worth it if it made you happy."

He lifted my chin up and stared me in the eye. I fully expected the worst but was blindsided by what he had to say.

         "But you make me happy."

         I blushed in disbelief.

         "I'm sorry Ryan ... I shouldn't have ..." I managed to offer as a reply before I was cut off.

         "Don't be. You did what you thought was right. There's no need to be sorry for that okay?" He said with a sincere smile.

         I think I was about to cry, but I pulled myself together.

         "You can let go of my hand now," I kinda half chuckled, half sobbed.

         He let go of my hand quite delicately, as if it were made of glass, which made me feel simultaneously fragile, and special.

         Silence filled the air. But it wasn't an awkward silence. It was a comfortable silence where everything that needed to be said has been said, and that everything from here on out could only be good things.

         "How did you know I'd be here?" I asked out of curiosity.

         "Because," He started, "I really do listen to you, when you speak! I know that this is where you usually come to be alone."

         I smiled, and he smiled, and it was great.

         It started to get dark, and the stars were coming out. I saw a hill nearby so I asked him if he wanted to go lay down on it and watch the sky. He seemed happy too.

         For a summer night in August, it wasn't as warm as one would believe. I tried to keep my coldness to myself, but I guess Ryan saw me shivering a tad.

         "Hey Jesse ... Come closer to me," He more or less demanded of me.

         I obliged. Except it wasn't more obliged as, 'I'm just a little to cold right now to think'.

         And it turns out I wasn't thinking properly, because he put his arms around me and pulled me in close.

         "Uh ... Ryan?" I started to question.

         "I love you Jesse," He said quite matter of factly.

         "Uhm well ... I love you too Ryan. But you know that," I answered quite truthfully.

         "I know that. But just now it really hit me."

         "What do you mean?"

         "When you said you left because you wanted to make sure I had a chance with Sarah ... Well that meant a lot to me. You were willing to give up what little time we spend together in order to make sure that I was happy. I can't think of one other person who would do that for me. I know how important spending time together is to you, and the fact that you were willing to risk it for my sake ... well that makes me happier than any girl could," he said, with confidence in his voice. It made it that much easier to believe what he was saying.

         "But what about Sarah?" I decided to ask, to see whether my efforts were in vain or not.

         "She's okay ... But today was meant for you and I. Not her," He reassured me as I felt him arms bring me in closer.

         "But ... I want you to be with her. She might not make you happy now, but I'm sure she can make you happy in ways that I can't."

         "Maybe that day will come Jesse. But for now, I'll let that day come to me. I'm not gonna chase it. I'm perfectly content laying here with you in my arms. Because I do love you. I may not love you in the way you want to be loved, but I can love you with all my heart can give you."

         I started to get choked up.

         "I'm so sorry Ryan," I sobbed truthfully in his chest.

         "Shhh shhh Jesse," He said as he rubbed my back, "What did I say about apologizing tough? You have nothing to be sorry for."

         I looked up at him with a few tears in my eyes. I saw his smile and fantastic blue eyes and immediately calmed down.

         "I love you Ryan," I said, this time without a trace of hesitation in my voice.

         "I love you too Jesse. Don't ever forget that okay?"

And as we lay there on the hill, looking up at the stars, I can't help but think that I'm the luckiest boy in the world.