The Ultimate Job

It’s time to go back to driving school. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today that they are looking for experienced starship pilots to act as parking valets for the 200th annual Academy Awards. This has to be the coolest job opportunity in the past couple of centuries.

For the first time in the history of the Academy Awards, several movies produced by studios outside of the Milky Way Galaxy, including a war epic from the Planet Miranda, have been nominated for Oscars. Needless to say, those alien nominees won’t be arriving in mere limos or Escalades. No, their rides are going to be out of this world, and the Academy needs drivers with some form of piloting experience to handle the high-dollar spacecrafts.

I knew working the anti-gravity lift at my uncle’s docks on Vulcanis would pay off some day. Sure, the hours were long and my Vulcan co-workers weren’t the brightest rays on the sun, but I picked up knowledge there that’s going to allow me to park the sleekest spacecrafts for the hottest earthlings and aliens in the universe.

These vehicles are gonna be sweet – forget spinning rims and black leather interior, these things have flux capacitors and hyper-drives. Sure, it’s been over a decade since I’ve handled something that didn’t need wheels to move, but it might be like riding a bike. Besides, I’ll be piloting ships that come equipped with time travel capability – if I screw up, a quick fix is only the flip of a switch away.

To tell you the truth, I’m tired of my milkman gig – up at three a.m. every morning to deliver dairy products to people who don’t even realize they pay for a guy to drop milk at their door. And they’re not alone. Ninety percent of this world thinks that my current profession has already gone the way of the dodo, and you know what – they’re not too far off.

I’m done with watching my rich clients drive off in BMWs and Mercedes every morning. I want that for myself, and what better way to say “screw you” to my uncaring customers then to buzz the top of their Range Rover with a three-ton, intergalactic ass-kicking space ship. Nothing could be more satisfying.

This job will mark the start of a new life for me - from milk to champagne, from a Ford POS to the Battlestar Galactica (Captain Adama is rumored to make a cameo appearance at the show). The Academy even gives their valet drivers Armani suits to wear and keep as a gift after the Oscars have aired. A two thousand dollar suit for free? That’s a life I want to wake up in – a life that sees dropping ten thousand Republic Dataries on the Dantooine Pod Races as normal fare.

Tomorrow I get registered for the fastest and hottest valet job in the galaxy, and I couldn’t be more excited. After Oscar night the only problem I’ll have will be getting my tips exchanged for American dollars so that I can buy a ticket off this rock. I’m nost sure where I’ll go, but I’ve heard the Dagoba System is nice this time of year.