poems

And So It Goes Again.

And so it goes again.
Loop after loop, the same game
Endlessly replaying.
Pain, despair, humiliation,
Again and again and again.

It's everywhere.
I can't escape it.
Even now, when it's ended,
It replays over and over in my mind,
I can feel what you did to me,
What you still do to me,
The record is still playing.

Does it make you proud?
Does it make you happy?
I, who was once whole, and loved for it,
I am now broken.
Broken at your hands.

So many shadings to pain -
I have tasted them all.
You have fed them to me,
Spoon by bitter spoon,
Forcing it into me,
Many, oh, so many times.
A poison that sits in my mind like lead,
Tainting all that is good in my life.
They sit, the memories, and
They attack at any time,
Hit me hard and lay me low.

You have done this to me.
What gave you the right?

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Daddy's Little Whore

I don't get it.
Why are people so nice to me?
I am not worth it -
Don't they see the dirt I am,
The filth?
Don’t they see that I am worthless,
Not worth the air I breathe?

I don't deserve their kindness,
Bury me back in the darkness,
With the pain, the humiliation,
Keep hurting me,
The only thing I am used to,
The only thing I am trained to do,
Daddy's little whore.

I can't understand why you don't use me,
Hurt me,
Humiliate me,
Go on,
Break me down,
I am useless,
Worthless,
I am nothing,
Only daddy's little whore.

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Keep Smiling


Knock me down,
I keep smiling,
Kick me and beat me,
I keep smiling,
Rape me, abuse me,
I keep smiling,
Humiliate me, degrade me,
I keep smiling,
Use me, break me down,
I keep smiling.

In all my years with you,
I have learned that
Any negative emotion is punishable by more pain, so
I keep smiling,
Even when I am dying inside,
Even when the expression is a barely masked
grimace of pain,
That you inflicted,
I keep smiling,
When the razor drags down my leg,
and the blood flows over my skin,
and I sigh with relief as the pain starts.
Even now, I
Keep smiling -
A habit I am trained into,
By force of long brainwashing -
No sad faces allowed, you both said,
No crying, no rage, no pain -
Bury it all inside, if you show it
You are such a bane to the household,
You cause so much pain to everyone,
So
I bury it deep,
Hope that I can successfully hide it for another day.
And I keep smiling.

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Letter to My Mother.

And so here we are.
You cannot understand,
And I cannot forgive.

Where were you?
When I lay there, crying in the night,
With a pain that could have been eased
With one touch of your hand.
Where were you?
When I wanted to die,
When I wanted to scream,
When I wanted not to feel any more.

You weren't there.

I waited -
Oh, so long, every night, after his visits,
But you never came,
Night after night,
Year after year,
While I sank deeper into the mire,
And kept smiling, kept going,
All the while my eyes screamed for you to notice me,
See my pain, help me,
But you never did.

You wrapped yourself up in your own misery
And never saw mine.
You tuned me out,
A radio station you no longer wanted to hear.
You ignored my pain,
My despair, my humiliation,
In favour of your own ills,
Hurting me more with your ill considered words,
And your blindness.

I cannot forgive you.
And I cannot respect you.
But I can't not love you -
You are my mother,
In spite of all the hurt you have done me,
And I love you still.

-----------------------------------

Lying

I'm lying again
The words come easily to my lips,
My eyes are dead
I'll be ok, I say,
And you believe me once again.
See, this hollow numbness inside
Doesn't allow for anything except pain.
And I hide it daily,
Drag the thin veneer of normality
Across the chasm...
I smile again, the lie in my eyes once more,
And you buy it,
Believe that I am as happy as my lips say I am.
Its so easy now, to pretend.
The hole's easier to bear if I cover it up,
But the skin is so sensitive
And I can only take so much.
Emotions skittering around my head -
Just a shadow of what I should be feeling,
If I feel at all -
And those times I cut myself,
Just to remind myself what feeling is like.
That's what he left,
When he tried to break me.
A hollow shell.

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OK Tomorrow

They can't hear you, you know.
The night smothers you,
Your tears are lost in the cold and the dark
Along with the pain in body and mind.
Shift a little…slowly,
Avoid the pain, blank it all out,
It's not there if you disregard it.
Don’t make a sound,
They won't hear you.
Or if they do,
He will come again, bringing more pain.
So dry your eyes, little girl.
Pretend it's all ok.
Put on your smile and your seductive walk.
Hide the bruises and humiliation,
And pretend
Like you do every night,
It will all be ok tomorrow.

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Rain

It's raining again,
Raining like the tears I can't cry.
I wish it would wash through me,
Fill the empty spaces inside,
Give form to the numbness,
Break down these walls,
Wash me clean of filth,
Ease the pain somehow.

It’s a vain hope.
I am buried in memories,
In layers of red agony,
Confusion and loneliness smothering me in insanity.
Lost behind walls thick as a castle's battlements,
There's no light,
And I'm so tired,
And so fragile - like a butterfly's wing,
If you breathe on me too hard, I may break,
Shatter into a million jagged pieces,
Like the remains of my heart,
Torn out and shattered long ago.

Emotions I can't understand
Swirl chaotically in the space left, and
When I am not hurting, I am numb, as now,
Hollow and brittle as eggshell.
Going slowly insane, by degrees,
I feel like I slip a little further each day,
Into a chasm, the slope slippery as ice,
The amnesia of death waiting for me at the bottom,
And restful sleep, replacing the nightmares,
A sleep from which I will not wake.

I fight it, this decline,
Fight it with every breath in my body,
Every nerve and fibre of my being,
But it's so hard, when every day is a struggle to keep smiling,
Every person presents a new problem, a new challenge I struggle to meet,
And the fear is so great, it drowns me,
Blocking out those who try to help, pushing them away,
Because I can't cope with their kindness.

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Temptation, I.

I was lying here, just a small girl.
But somehow that was too much for you to resist,
Too much temptation.
So you gave in.

Look at me now, lying here, legs apart,
A beckoning smile on my lips.
Let me dance for you,
Let me strip for you,
Let me touch you where you like it.
Let me be your dreams, your desires, your fantasies.
After all, I am just
A baby,
A girl,
A woman.
Here for the taking.
So go on.
Take me.
Persuade yourself that I love it really,
Be fooled by my sultry smile
And the way I walk, and the way I talk,
And the way I touch you, there, and there.
Don’t look too deep into my eyes…
Those beautiful, bedroom eyes…
They are hollow. Nothing there.
I can be bought, remember?
With a few coins and a smile,
The odd compliment.
Watch my hips sway as I walk,
The toss of my hair,
Make a comment,
Grab at me as I walk past,
You know you have broken me.
Trained me like a dog.
And I know later,
I will be your whore once more.

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Vicious Circle.

They're arguing again, downstairs.
There's a smash as something hits the wall,
A plate,
Maybe a glass this time.
I can hear the screaming through the floor.
I sit on my bed,
Holding my sisters, trying to tell them its
Going to be ok.
I don't know if they're convinced.
I know I'm not.

Sobbing.
The door slams on the other side of the house.
Heavy footsteps.
My mother has gone to her room again,
And he's coming for me, again,
Like he does every time they do this,
Like he does every night, regardless.

The door crashes open.
He is shouting, intimidating, bullying again.
My sisters are cowering,
Running past him to their own rooms,
Smothering sobs.
They don't know what is about to happen to me.
But I do.

An hour later, he is
Back again.
Big on me,
Forcing himself into me,
Hurting me,
Degrading me,
Using me,
Breaking me.

I feel nothing.
Nothing there anymore.
Only pain and numbness -
When he is gone, I
Lose my dinner,
And then I cry.
A reflex that diminishes rapidly as I grow older,
When I realise nobody cares,
Nobody listens.

Then I drag my aching body through
To my mother,
Crying, drinking in her room.
And I do what I can to calm her, make her strong.
I keep telling her to leave, but
I don't think she will.
She never listens.
Another night falls.
I lie in bed and listen to the soft weeping that fills the rooms.
I know he will come again.
What did I do to deserve this?
What could I possibly have done that was so bad
As to merit this treatment?
I can answer that question.
I was born.
It’s a vicious circle.

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Voices

The voices are here again…
They echo in my head,
Colours of madness, anger,
Hate, pain, despair…
Shame, humiliation…
Red explosions, too much,
Too much guilt, too much pain,
I feel like I am losing it,
I feel like I am going insane…
I am stranded on an island
Around the only light,
Clinging to it desperately,
There's no shelter…
Nothing can stop this madness
But my own strength, and
Its failing fast, I have been strong for so long
And I am so tired…
Too many colours,
The monsters are stalking me, the emotions
Run riot, too many voices all talking at once,
All demanding to be heard…
One on top of the other…
'You FAILED your sister'
'You're just a stupid worthless little whore'
'I hate him, I hate him, I hate him…'
'What makes you think you are worth anything to anyone?'
'Why are you still alive? All you do is hurt people'
'You let him RAPE you, he is right, you are a worthless little slut…'
And I want to scream 'enough', but the words are
Echoing round my head, the emotions hopelessly tangled with them,
Its so confusing, a whirlpool of pain and I am going down
And down
And down…
Nothing to stop me sinking, not even
The memory of love, only
My own strength.