she cheated on me

i've never had someone cheat on me before
and i've never done it to another
i have to spit this out cause this is the only safe spot i have
to let it flow
roll off my shoulders
not going to reread this or dwell on it
just need to let it out
here it is

she told me she never cheated on someone
she told me never to cheat on her
she told me not to break her heart
and to let her go before tearing it all apart

she made me think she was something else
and now i realize she is but
not what i invisioned
not at all what she said she would be
her true gut came out
and im disgusted to see

she cheated on me
and lied about it at first
made a joke of it
and let it dig in worse
she never cheated until now
i should feel lucky im the special one
she told me not to break her heart but she has broken mine
and im about to fall apart
she said she would let me go before cheating
but she held on to me
and kissed another woman

im sitting here with that knowledge
that knowledge knowing she hurt me on purpose
just because i was mad at myself
because i made a bad choice which was worse for me but did effect her
i overdosed on some shit and she had to watch me
im sorry i did that but it was not directed to her
it was not conciously knowing and try to hurt her
she drank a lot but knew what she was doing
she said fuck it all
and just made a go at it
she stuck her tounge in someone elses mouth
she bit their lip
and moved her body up and down
she became moist and it was not me on her mind
she broke my heart
and at first was fine about it
she didnt care she did it
she thought it justified how she felt
did i ever intentionally do that to her
did i ever want to hurt her
she made a choice to fuck me over and did it so everyone could see
what does that say about me

i let you back in
i gave you a second chance
and you ever want to complain about me
i gave you all i had
i gave you my heart
i gave you my soul
and you pulled it apart
are you happy now
knowing you fucked me good
you fucking destroyed my belief in the greater good
you did it just to hurt me
you wanted to make me hurt
and you did
are you happy
was it worth it?
did i ever deserve that
you might think so but lord why couldnt you just tell me
why cant you talk about it
its not going to kill you
why not talk about it
im working at it too
i try just as bad as you
i fail but get back again and try
why wont you
do you not want to see it through are you going to give up now?

im pissed
and yeah im mostly just hurt
sad you would go and do something hurtful to me
with total knowing it would crush me
have i ever tried to crush you?
never
never would
even though in my heart i want to
to get back at you
but that would make me just like you
and fuck that shit i never want to do that
im either doing it with love or not with it
what were you doing it out of when you grinded your body and mouth on her?
was there any love for me there
you say you love me
fuck you dont know what love is
if you think you love me one second and then pull that shit
lord its going to take some time for me to trust you again
and if you dont understand that you dont get it at all
you betrayed my heart
and you were ready to throw it all away
i should take you up on that
and throw you on your grave
you crumbled, crushed, destroyed, pulverized, desimated, devistated, vandalized my every being
you made me feel lower then dirt
you made me feel like i was less then anyone
that i was not God's child
dont say you believe in him and all that shit if you would treat a soul that this
fuck the i love yous you say to me now
i dont believe them i dont get how
how you say such things to me after you just touched another person
and you said it ment nothing but did you get excited
did you make you wet
did she hold you tight?
did you hold her back
did you even put up a fight
did you think of me as you bit her lip
did i cross your mind even for a second
did you look around you at those all around you
who looked and knew exactly what you were doing
that questioned me and my integrity
when i have never purposely hurt
you i have never
wanted to wreck you
you felt that way and you have a right for those feelings
but to take those actions
i fucking want to kill you
okay not really
but i have that anger deep inside
i need to get it out
and let it bleed
so that i will not hold it against you
that will be hard to know you fucked me over and took her home that night
she might have slept on the couch
or so you say but you lied to me and did that so how can i believe
that you would do that to her and to me and simply
push her to the couch
did you ever think to wonder what you were all about
you texted me the next day and called me hun
how fucking dare you say that shit to me
to use that kind word to me
after you fucked me over and over
last night
you told me on the phone
i brought someone home last night
i waited while my body crumbled
in silence waiting
i heard you laugh with your buddy about something
and then you finally said it
it was a joke
what the fuck is that
if i said that to you if i pulled
any of your crap on you
would you drop me
yeah you would have fucking done that a long time ago
you seem to think you put up with a lot
but babe i put up with your shit more then you have thought
you later told me it was true you lied to me you fucking bitch
you did
and some how im still here
i still want to try
well this is it
change your ways or ill fucking pulverize your tiny bitch
yeah im using harsh words about you
and lord knows i deserve to vent
you hurt me more then any other
you did it out of spite
after you told me you would never
affter you told me to be careful with your heart
you had no repect for me
and you dripped me in your acid of love
dont tell me your true
dont tell me you are good
you told me you are not manipulative any more
but you still do
you are the same way
if you are really changing
im waiting to see the actions
you need to put that shit together
or ill be kicking your cute ass with one passing
you will loose a friend and a lover
someone who was the best you ever had
i treated you well and never dissed you
i gave you everything you needed
i respected you more then any other
i listened when you needed
im waiting to see the return
dont think i want to kiss you not for a while
you fucked up
its about time you accept that
im working on it
i do
but to forgive takes time
so you better be patient
im not up for being lectured
or being judged by you any more
because i did something
but i did it to myself
im sorry you had to care for my ass
i would have done the same for you
but i would never do the same and cheat right back on you
i would never do that
yeah i would think about it
but to do it
is different then to think about it
there is no parrallel there
you must realize that you crossed the line
you are now that person
the person who has cheated the person who has done
another wrong
you better decide to change your ways or that will repeat so many times more
and if you do you'll find yourself alone
when all that shit fell down
who was still by your side?
any of your buddies
no not really
i was there
i stayed by your side when everyone even your best friend was not there
and now you go and do this to me
what the fuck am i to think
please dont talk to me for a little bit
please stop saying im your baby
stop telling me you love me
why not stop saying it
and start showing it
make an effort to be better
i am constantly changing
i am constantly working to develop
to grow
and change
but what are you doing
other then falling down a drain?
fuck you
fuck
you
thats what i have deep inside
i cannot say it to you because
im not that low
i value you still
i still want to treat you with respect
even when you have not earned it
i will still love you
but i will never
forget those scars you place on me
i have scars i did to myself
but yours cut far deeper
more wide
do you want that knife back
incase you need it again
you better throw it away or ill rip it from your hand
i could be horrible i could wreck you apart
i could say shit to you that would fuck your world apart
ive spent my time venting
i feel better
at least i let it out
even though you will never read it
i let it slip on paper instead of on my skin
i am making those right choices when will you begin
okay im not putting judgement
you have a lot on your shoulders
i have never walked in your shoes
i have never
and never will
i would like to say i would be stronger
but i can never say
thats why i give you another chance to simply
say that i believe in you
that i want you to succeed
that i want to witness it and walk with you as you gleam
i hope this really happens if not
i get it fine
somethings are ment to happen
i wish i held the key
i wish i knew the plan that god has made for me
i wish i knew that you would be a part of me
i have learned so much so far
and im sure i will still
please be easy with my heart
but really im already pretecting it
im watching your every move
please show me the good
lord
show me your light within