Making Tea in the Dark

Came home, turned on the TV, fell asleep on the sofa. An indefinite time later dragged from sleep by a most horrible feeling – a mix of shock, fear and disgust as if woken to find Adolph Hitler massaging your feet. Of course not Hitler, but my dog Flux and not massaging my feet but licking his own balls, but the motion was disturbing enough to wake me.

I kicked him off the sofa.

Looking disgruntled he climbed back up. He’s stubborn and disagreeable. I grabbed the remote and started flicking through the channels to see what was on.

‘Do you mind? I was watching that!’ said Flux.

He’d never said a word in eleven years so I was shocked into compliance.

‘Sorry!’ I said and set the channel back to ‘Robot Wars’.

He didn’t say thanks, but I didn’t really expect him to.

Although I’ve never enjoyed ‘Robot Wars’ Flux and I watched it together. Five minutes in, I’d lost the plot and decided to pass some time worrying. I find it helps, but I like to be organised and prioritise. Planning is the key. I started with a bit of fretting on the psychological significance of Hitler and foot massaging then spent a couple of minutes of apprehension concerning Flux’s sudden use of English. I was niggled because I was pretty sure he would never do it again and there was no point in mentioning it to anyone – who’d believe it? That’s typical of Flux.

Then I worried about my family. I always do this in order of age and it doesn’t take long- just a series of images flashing - Dad having a heart attack, Mum being hit by a bus, Brothers having car crashes, wife being mugged and son dying of heroine overdose. I can get it over and done in a couple of seconds. No point in being morbid.

I was thirsty. I’d have to face the kitchen light switch. Normally my wife does it for me but she was away on a business trip. I’ve tried making tea in the dark but frankly it’s probably nearly as dangerous as the switch. Then I remember being given a scented candle by an American woman. I thought at the time that it was a bizarre gift and had never used it for fear that light which also smelt might further obfuscate the truth of things.

After several hours of searching I found the candle which had been sitting on the coffee table in front of me for so many years that it had become almost invisible. I lit the candle and took it into the kitchen to put the kettle on and make a nice cuppa. Suddenly I heard footsteps upstairs. ‘

What are footsteps doing upstairs? I thought.

I considered the possibility that they were old footsteps that I’d left laying around and forgotten about but couldn’t escape the conclusion that they were probably indicative of current walking activity and that meant someone or something unknown was upstairs… and walking...currently.

It was curious indeed but going upstairs to investigate seemed pointless. It was clear that sooner or later the unknown walker would have to descend. The mystery would solve itself without my intervention and tea was in the brewing.

The candle’s smell was dragging me somewhere and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. It was tempting because it was somewhere cosy but I felt it t might be hiding the threat of a debilitating kind of nausea. I put a freezer bag clip on my nose and had a choking fit before I opened my mouth. I made tea and though there was no milk I managed to simulate the correct colour by the addition of rice flour. Though this gave it a custard-like consistency.

Neighbours came and went but I forgot to ask them to do the switch.

By the time I went up to bed I’d forgotten about the unknown walker and suffered confusion when I was confronted by a bear at the top of the stairs. I knew one of us shouldn’t have been there and from the look of surprise on his face I guessed that it was I, so I went downstairs again and slept on the sofa.

I laid awake for some time listening for the bear but heard nothing except for the occasional in-head warning shouts which happen just on the cusp of sleep. They kept me awake a couple of times until I managed to quiet them by thinking about lists. First I made a list of different things like, words, kinds of beer, birds – whatever, then I put these in a list making a list of lists. I repeat this process to make a list of lists of lists. If I concentrate too hard I can make a list of lists of lists of lists but this deprives me of the whole night and defeats the idea.

The next morning I went to feed the ducks but they weren’t there so instead of wasting good bread I threw leaves into the river and ate the bread myself. I did this without consuming hardly any leaves at all.

When I accidentally got home something inside me leaped because her car was in the drive. I ran in. She smelled of perfume and unlit cigarettes. I nearly told her about the bear upstairs but instead I kissed her and told her I’d missed her. She laughed, shook her head and said ‘really?’

Then I saw in the line of her jaw and in her eyes that world had to make sense again and that there couldn’t be a bear upstairs. I thought about the kitchen light switch and that maybe I would turn it on myself and make her a nice cuppa.

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