VIETNAM TIME WARP

VIETNAM TIME WARP

I went to Vietnam as a nineteen year old Private First Class with a military ocupationainl specialty of 0311, better known as a grunt, groundpounder, stumpjumper, ground-ape what-have-you in the United States Marine Corps during the battle of Tet in February of 1968. I had been in the Marines for some three years when I got my orders to go. There was no time to see anyone in my family as they formed the 2nd Battalion of the 27th Marines at camp Pendleton Ca and 36 hours later we landed in Danang, Vietnam. We flew over in military aircraft, actually a C-141 jet transport from the MAC squadron. Mac = Military Airlift Command out of El Toro airfield California. I got to call home and say goodbye to my Mom and Dad. Mom cried the whole time I spoke to her and Dad just said, “Be Brave son” and then I left CONUS. CONUS = Continental United States…

I was scared for my life this was war and I was a Marine trained to KILL and blow stuff up. That’s what the Marines do!... KILL, were trained to kill the enemy with a variety of weapons and with our bayonets and also with our hands… You can’t kill the enemy with WORDS or FLOWERS it takes fingers on triggers or hands on… to KILL another human being… I didn’t know if I could KILL, if I could pull the trigger, take a human life, did I have what it takes to do that? Yes I was trained but could I go through with it when it counted? When the chips were down, when my comrades in arms needed me? Could I do it???... Could I pull the trigger on someone?

It didn’t take long to answer that question the chance came soon enough. My Lt., Lt. Howie, I’ll call him, walked us straight through a rice paddy out in the open towards a village. I think the vill was called Du ky or some thing like that; it was south of Danang across a rail road track.  We came under fire as we approached the village. Small arms fire from AK 47’s, motors, machine gun fire, and RPG and sniper fire. RPG = Rocket Propelled Grenade.  Three men went down almost right away from sniper fire all shot in the head… All out on the perimeter some where, where we could not find them in the tall grass. I was caring a radio for the Lt. so I ended up out in front of the squad with him and another man walking point. The other man was shot through his right hand, through his rifle stock, and it went through his stomach and out his forearm. He was lying out in front of us crying for his mother, he was in a lot of pain… A stomach wound burns like the dickens… We stayed pinned down for some time; I really don’t remember how long the fire fight lasted only that it seemed to go on for ever. I was busy on the radio calling in fire missions from our Battalion motors and Howitzers. I was also talking to the Co. CO and the XO at the same time telling them what our situation was. CO. = Company Commander and XO = Executive officer. I was talking on and off to a bench mark which was a small observation plane to call in the air support and medivac choppers for the wounded.  Through all of this I had no thought of my own safety as I was kind of kneeling down talking on the radio three snipers took aim at me. All I could hear was whistling and banging going by my head. One of them got a bead on me a hit me in the back of my neck about where my shirt collar is. I could feel something wet running down my back…it was blood… I had been shot but was still alive and breathing. This was to be my first of three Purple Hearts.

That day I knew that I would be ok, that I was not a coward that I could stand up and be counted on. I stayed cool under fire and did my job calling in the much needed fire missions to get the NVA off of us. I even got a chance to fire my M-14 at them until the LT. told me to stop and get busy on the radio and get us some help. A lot happened that day, a lot changed in my life and in other lives. Some lives came to an end that day in that rice paddy with their blood spilling out on the ground. Some were wounded, like me, and the other Marine and for some, myself include their life would never be the same after combat, after seeing people die and after killing other human beings. We were in fear for our lives and our brains would be changed for ever and ever after being in combat again and again…

That day came to an end like all days do, for us it was a bad day with three Marines killed (KIA) two wounded (WIA) and I ended up writing up my Lt. for a Silver Star for bravery… He got up under fire, threw a grenade in a hooch to quiet the fire coming from it and ran out and dragged back the wounded Marine that was out in front of us back to our position. He eventually got a Bronze Star for that. Thanks Howie for saving that’s Marines life, and I know that marine is thankful too. 

The Lt. called for a withdrawal as the F-4 Phantoms came in at tree top level dropping nalmpalm on the NVA and the rest of the outfit took off and left us three out there on our own, Me the Lt. and the other wounded Marine exposed, under fire with no cover…How we got out of there I still till this day don’t know how we didn’t get killed or captured, we were all alone…

We made it out of there and other places and we came under fire again and again just like the first time really nothing different except who got hit and who got killed and who did the killing. It was awful… war is awful... killing is awful... Wounding and Maiming is awful… It changes a man he’s never the same again... The innocence of the little boy is lost... He becomes some thing else... a killing machine, a lean mean, green, killing machine, a United States Marine… With a Combat Badge on his chest…

I spent nine months in Vietnam under fire a lot of the time and the other time waiting to come under fire waiting to be shot at, waiting to be rocketed, waiting to be motored and on patrol and at night we went out and set up ambushes near the friendly villages, Ha, Ha friendly… Death was here, there and every where you looked, blood was there also, your blood, their blood, and your buddy’s blood it was every where… An arm… a leg… a head…, a piece of this and a piece of that and a boot with just a foot sticking out with a dog tag attached because the rest was all gone from an explosion… The reality of war is just that, reality, it hits you that your buddies are getting wounded horribly in some cases and some of them are getting killed and you can’t stop it or save their lives it’s out of your control it’s all out of your control. I could be next and for some time it bothered me then I let it go for what’s to be is what’s to be I could not worry about it any longer. I had to do my job and I couldn’t care about getting wounded or killed any more. It’s maddening it makes no sense so your mind has to shut down it can’t take all the killing and dieing it just can’t so your mind goes into survival mode and shuts off all your emotions like the shutting off of a light switch… This is so you can go on and do your job, kill and destroy, kill and destroy, kill and destroy!!! Your superiors and your commander in chief will have it no other way you’re trained and trained and paid to KILL!!! Now go do your job!!! …KILL, KILL, KILL…!!!


How long some one can stay in this mode I don’t know. I only know that I have been  paying a very dear price for that war for the past thirty eight years, thirty eight long years I have been stuck in that time warp…I have had thoughts of KILLING, DIEING, EXPLOSIONS,BLOOD AND HORROR… NEVER ENDING HORROR….All through these years I have had to control my rage AND MY THOUGHTS so no one would get hurt, no one would get killed... Some times I couldn’t and people got hurt I can thank my loving GOD no one was killed in all my rages…

We teach young men to kill and give them medals for killing and applaud them for killing the enemy but  what we don’t do, what we don’t know how to do is… teach them not to kill…  Not to go into a killing rage… Not to think about killing… What happens to them is their anger is turned inward and anger turned inward ends up in unexpressed RAGE which equals DEPRESSION and SUICIDE… For thirty eight years I have wanted to kill myself… KILL other people so I could take some of you with me and show you just how pissed-off I was. At what?  Pissed off at what? I don’t know, I can’t answer that question. I only know that I wanted to DIE!!! That this life was too painful and I couldn’t take it any more.

I was sitting talking with my wife of 37 years imagine that, I have been able to stay married for 37 years, and we were talking about how our life is now in 2007 living in Virginia after moving from San Diego, CA and she was asking if I felt like I was home again? Meaning back on the east coast. Welcome home she said? Haven’t I heard that a hundred times, welcome home from the other Vietnam veterans? I never understood that WELCOME HOME, what did that mean, it meant nothing to me I was home what were they talking about? Well sitting there talking with my wife it hit me!  I had an epiphany! I have been stuck back in Vietnam as a nineteen year old man fighting a war, my own private little war, living on the edge, a hairsbreadth away from insanity. On the vague rim of a black hole sucking me in, on the slippery slope of a killing rage I knew was inside of me. A madness I couldn’t acknowledge, to scared to acknowledge lest it consume me and every one about me in a blaze of what I thought would be a blaze of glory… OH to go out in a blaze of glory!!! … I have been stuck in a TIME WARP!!! I have been living my life as if I was still fighting that war that any moment the enemy would show up and I would have to fight for my life all over again… I would have to kill again to feel that thing I hated and loved at the same time… The confusion, the fog of war, the emptiness, the numbness, the cry from the soul, the yearning to be free of all of this, to be free from the pain of nothingness…. Free from the haunting of my soul?  Please leave me alone!! Won’t you go away and let me live my life? Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I deserve some lilltle sliver of peace? Don’t this world owe me some measure of comfort? Can’t I just live the rest of my days in peace and love?

I think I might be able to do just that, live in peace and love and have some happiness… I just started taking some thing for my depression and that is why this has all come about. It has given me a new outlook on life I feel like I can stop fighting the war, put down my guns and come home for the first time in thirty eight years. I feel I can Back away from the madness, come away from the edge, maybe finally relax, take it easy, don’t struggle some one else is walking point for me, some one else is standing guard, other Marines are keeping us safe. Some one else is taking the fire, some one else is killing and dieing. I had my turn in the barrel, I have done my time in hell, it’s over for me now I can rest easy I did my part.

I can step out of the time warp… I can come home…

WELCOME HOME.. This now has meaning for me…

WELCOME HOME MY BROTHER…