Loving Another

I guess it’s a sign of the times we're in. These are times of secrecy and deception. I sat in my car outside our apartment building frightened knowing I had to face them. I frantically removed the keys from the ignition. Slamming the car door, I raced across the street and darted up the slippery steps.

Reeling, I was so disoriented as I burst through the front doors, I momentarily forgot my purpose. A flashback to earlier in the day when I received the news jolted me; but now I was even more disturbed. How could she, I thought as I stumbled through the narrow halls and into the elevator. I remember the look on her brother’s face, the bearer of the bad news, as he told me and that she would be with him, here. He seemed to enjoy delivering the earth shattering news. How could someone take pleasure in the torment this was causing me? I could just see him, with his friends, laughing it up over beers and cigars, as if I were the butt of some horrible joke.

Floor after floor, the steady and methodical pace of the elevator mocked me. If only I had been there for her more I thought. Our apartment was at the top. How symbolic? She was on top of the world, literally, and I, a nobody from the bottom, was taken for a ride. I staggered out as soon as the doors opened. By now, my breathing was heavy, sweating profusely, and I was a man wavering. And there it was, my dread and my relief, the apartment. The walls of the hallway began to orbit around the doorway, tunneling me toward.  I could imagine what was happening behind the door, the pampering, cuddling; my vision glossed over at the thought.

The door opened without me turning the knob; it was already ajar, and there she was. She looked a mess, her hair in shambles, dressed only in a robe, with him. My heart dropped to my feet at the sight of him. There they were, on the couch, together. She was so consumed with him she hadn’t yet noticed me. I lost all feeling in my extremities and the keys I had been carrying hit the floor with a loud, sharp clang. She, startled, immediately began pleading.

"It’s not what you think. I can explain."

But I couldn’t hear anything she said. My entire being was focused on him. My eyes on his and his on mine, it was as if in that moment he and I became eternally connected. Bonded by our identical dependencies: her undivided love. Everything seemed to slow down. She approached me trying to show me some papers, still talking, and suddenly I was fearful. I wasn’t concerned that I might hurt either of them; I could never do that, just that he looked so helpless with our first meeting being like this. I became overwhelmed with concern for his safety. Her frantic flashing of the papers in my face brought me back from wherever I was in my head. She was right in front of me now.

“Look, it’s okay. Everything’s fine. Here, look!” she said.

What was she talking about, I thought, nothing is fine, things are not okay, things are not supposed to be like this. I had left on business and returned to chaos.

“Read them!” she implored.

They might as well been written in Chinese because none of it made sense. My inability to concentrate or focus prevented rational, logical thought. I had hardly glanced over half the page when she butted in,

“You see, the doctors said it okay. Look! You’re new son. They said we could bring him home. Isn’t that great?”

She went over to the couch, where he lay in a makeshift bassinet of blankets, gently picked him up, and brought him over to me.

“Jacob, just like you said honey. And I know while you were away I told you that there were complications, but, I don’t know what happened, he is fine. And I’m fine. We’re fine honey.”

In a split-second I went from emotionally drained to overwhelmed. My son, my baby boy. Born while I was away, worrying because of the disheartening news. Here he was, safe and sound, I fought the urge to cry. His eyes still on mine, I felt like he was inspecting me. I straightened my face. With all the energy I had left I tried to look as masculine as I could, because I am a father and he is my son. She carefully placed him in my arms and cradling him I realized that I was no longer the only man she loved unconditionally. Now there was this other man. But I loved him too. I vowed my endless love and support to both of them. My new family.