Lost And Alone

Here I am again. Still thinking about you, knowing that you will never be by my side again. Not this time. You hate me, and I don't blame you for that. But I still love you; you’re my one and only. I see you everywhere I look, and I reach out desperately to embrace you. But every time I'm about to reach you, then you disappear and I wander around trying to find you again. It goes on and on as if I was stuck in the same moment.

One thing I know is that I can't exist without you. When you were around me, I felt secure and was happy. Now when you're gone I'm completely lost. I stumble around and wish for you to walk towards me and take me into your arms and never let go of me again. It will never happen, and it is all my fault.

You were my lover and best friend, and I fucked it up. I always fuck it up. No matter what I do it always ends up being wrong.

I wasted all the years we were together. Wasted my life. Your life.

When I was with you I never realized how much I really loved you, and now that I'm alone, I can feel how much I miss you. I'm longing for your playfulness, laughter and silly jokes. Longing for your tender touches and sweet kisses. Feel you hold me in your strong arms.

I'm so cold. I didn't bother to close the window. God, when I'm awake I can't stop thinking of you, and when I sleep I continuously dream about you. The nicest dream, where you and I were making sweet love would suddenly turn into the most horrifying nightmare, where you leave me crying and pleading for you to stay with me, but you never even glance back at me.

If I could only turn back the time to before we began drifting apart. Sometimes I wonder if it could have been avoided, but no matter what I tried, it only seemed to drift us further apart than we already were.

Believe me, there has been so many times where I just wanted to end my own misery in the hope of you coming to save me, but I'm afraid to do it. What if you won't come to save me?

I close my eyes and now I can feel my tears run down my cheeks, soaking into the pillow underneath my head. I take a deep breath and sigh. You used to forgive me. Why not this time when I need you the most. I need you to tell me that I'm not worthless. There is no reason for me to live. You were my reason to live. I might as well die. You hate me anyway. If you can’t love me, then how can anyone else?

You hate me.

My eyes are stinging and I find myself weeping even more. I can barely breathe through my hiccupping sobs, and I bury my face in my hands. I feel so lonely. Everything I see reminds me of you and I can't stand the pain in my body. This unbearable headache. It feels like a disease which can never be cured. If only I could tear my organs out and burn them, then I wouldn't hurt anymore! I'm sick of the pain. Everything reminds me of the day you left me.

I'm afraid of living. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. It hurts too much and I love you too much to forget you. My own sorrows are swallowing me. Eating me from the insides. You are the only person who can save me. Please save me! Please! I'm begging you to save me! Please? Each day I die a little more, and soon I will be gone...

My world is only gray now. Each and every color vanished with you.

My sobs have died out and I wipe the tears away, sniffling. I feel so pathetic.

I listen to the silence, trying to convince myself that you will be here soon to wash my tears, sorrows, pains and fears away with a single caress.

I have wasted all of my chances and it's time to face the facts. You are not coming back to me. Never.

I gaze at the bathroom door, and I let out a sigh, swallowing hard to prevent myself from whimpering again. There is nothing else left for me to do.

I drag myself off the bed and I stumble through the darkness towards the bathroom. I reach out for the doorknob and I realize my hands are shaking. My entire body is trembling. Is it because I'm terrified? Or is it some other reason? I don't know and it doesn't matter anymore. I have to do this!

I'm too weak to go on anymore. I haven't smiled for weeks. No one loves me. My heart is beating faster now. I guess I am a little afraid.

As the door opens, goose bumps appear on my arms due to the squeaky sound, and I flip on the light. I don't move for a moment. I try to keep myself from crying and grab the razorblade on the sink. I stare at the tiny piece of metal. I try to pretend it won't hurt. I know it will hurt, but not as much as the pain deep in my chest.

Just as I'm about to place the razorblade on my wrist I see myself in the mirror. Look at what I have become. My pale skin. The black lines under my red, tear-filled eyes. One single tear escapes and drips onto my hand. It's so warm and gentle.

You promised you’d always be by my side, but here I am all alone. About to end everything. Only you can save me from killing myself, and you are not here. You were the only person to keep me from going insane. I've lost you. I've lost my mind.

I turn my head away from the reflection in the mirror, and once again connect the razorblade to my wrist. My hands are trembling again. I close my eyes and I can feel the cold metal carving through my skin. My teeth are gritted and I let out a small whimper. Blood is running down my wrist and drips down on the floor. I listen to the silence again, able to hear the tiny droplets of blood splashing onto the floor, creating a little puddle.

I can hear the sound of metal connecting to the tiled floor as I toss the bloody razorblade away from me. This pain is bearable compared to my mental pain. You didn't save me...Why? You said you'd be there for me when I needed you. I need you. I need you now!

The confusion is overwhelming me soon followed by dizziness. The stinging pain in my wrist is growing to my entire body and I sink to the floor, clutching my arm tightly to my chest. I am shaking again. I am smiling. It's over. The pain is over. The torture is over for good! I tilt my head back and rest it against the cold wall and shut my eyes only waiting to die.

I can only hear my raspy breathing and my heartbeat, pretending it is yours. My arm is numb now and my head is pounding. My shirt is soaked in my blood. This is the end. I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. Closing my eyes, I see your vivid image before me, taking me into your arms. I wonder, will I dream when I give in to the endless sleep? Will I dream about you? My love…